The Good Kind of Tired

I'm sort of tired. But it's a good thing. I'm tired because I've spent the weekend helping my friend Jackie get married off to Peter. For many reasons, I don't know that I can think of a better way to use my time or a reason to complain about being tired. It was worth it. Basically... because I really love these friends of mine, and am so grateful that I get to be a part of their lives.

Many of you who read this know Peter and Jackie, and know how great they are, so hopefully this won't be a cheesy post. But in many ways, they've just really been a means of grace in my life, and I can say with certainty that God put these two crazy kids in my life, and it's been incredible to see how my friendship with Jackie in particular has grown. She does a great job of loving on me, accepting me, and reminding me of the things that I often like to forget. In a lot of ways, she has become like a sister to me, and I find myself saying thanks to God for her most days. She also lets me share in her life, and I love it! And Peter's just good fun, as well as an exceptional teacher. I've never known Peter and Jackie apart-I met them when they had already been dating about a year or so. And what can I say? They belong together.

Why am I rambling about them? I am rambling because I felt like I got to be a part of something truly special and meaningful this weekend. I cried as Jackie walked down the aisle, and not because I normally cry at weddings (which I don't). I cried because I have been given the enormous privilege of walking with her through life over the past year and a half, through a lot of hard times and some good ones. And to get to finally see her on that walk down the aisle... something we've talked about a LOT... it was so beautiful to me. I just kept thinking, "wow. these are two amazing people. and i get to share life with them. and i get to share this moment with them."

I am tired and drained and exhausted, but I wouldn't have traded this weekend for anything. It was a beautiful thing to get to serve jackie and peter in small ways and to just be able to love them in a fraction of the way that they have loved me.

I guess that's part of what community is. getting to share in the happy and sad moments, and finding ways to serve each other. it's about really, truly understanding that we are brothers and sisters, and finding ways to love on each other. having this weekend has reminded me of how many ways in which God loves me through His redemption, His sacrifice, His provision and His community.

So here's to you Peter and Jackie... you guys rock.

Summer is on its way

one paper, one test, and one short presentation to go before the end of the semester. whew! yay! and i am not taking classes this summer, so i am very much looking forward to a class-free few months! i am also looking very much forward to reading some non-seminary books. i already have a couple of ideas of things to read, but am up for other ideas...i'd love to hear your best fun-summer-reading ideas.

Confusion and Chaos

It's been a crazy week or two, filled with whirling, crazy thoughts, and there is lots to figure out. When i have times like these, i often remember these words:

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, through I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
-Thomas Merton, from Thoughts in Solitude

sometimes i don't have words of my own to describe my state of mind, where i am, or where i would like to be. i'm so thankful that God works in all of us so that we can give each other words.

Resurrection Power

Warning: this may seem like a morbid post, but that is not my intention.

I have been thinking a lot about death today. This morning, a good friend from Atlanta sent me a text message to let me know her father had just passed away. I was so sad for Jamie, and all i could do was cry for a few minutes as I thought about Jamie's dad passing from this world to the next. I thought about Jamie trying to take care of her now widowed mom, and thinking of all her memories of her father. I thought about wanting to give Jamie a big hug right now, knowing that there is nothing I can do to take away the pain, but just wanting to be present.

Later today, I found out that a player from my beloved St. Louis Cardinals was killed in a car accident last night. This guy was my age and a relief pitcher for the Cards. It made me think... about a lot. I've thought a lot today about the rest of his teammates and the sadness they must feel, and the fact that tomorrow (or maybe the day after) they have to get back to business and play a game. I've thought about his family and the unbearable grief they must be feeling at losing a son so young. and it makes me sad.

These two scenarios are, of course, followed by the tragedy at Virginia Tech which has no doubt saddened many of us. Death is always sad, but untimely deaths do something to us. They shake us up... make us think about life.... get us on edge. It's not normal... death is not supposed to happen like this.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this, but in the midst of thinking about these things, I've been thinking about certain parts of me that need to "die," and as a result I've been thinking about what it means to "die to oneself." I've been remorseful tonight over some areas of my life I'm not incredibly proud of. But I am reminded that sometimes, some parts of a being must die before true life can take over, and even though I am tempted to berate myself for these things, all i can do is give God this yuckiness and trust that Jesus has victory over this sin, and there is no reason for me to live in it any longer!

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life."
-John 5:24

As i think about death... even these extremely sad, untimely deaths, I try to wrap my mind around this... because of the resurrection, we have passed over from death to life. Christ has had victory over sadness, sin, death....it boggles my mind when i think about it.... fills me to the point of overwhelming gratitude!

A Balancing Act

i am skipping out on class today because I am not feeling so hot. I am kind of sad that i am feeling like this on a Thursday, because I really do enjoy this class. sad. =(

but perhaps it's a good thing... maybe it will give me some time to rest, think, process, chill, be. The past week has been filled with the newness of possibilities, and my mind is in overdrive because of it. I have before me a potentially exciting opportunity, and it is so tempting to think of all that could go wrong. It is tempting to think that I will fail and disappoint all those around me. It is tempting to think that I have to plan every moment of this possiblity now.

this, of course, leaves no room for the magnitude and the extravagance of God's plans. I was expressing my fears and thoughts about all this to someone the other day, and he just said, "just go for it. just show up." what a freeing thought. the reality is... this thing is out of my hands at the moment. i have done what i can do for now, and just need to trust. trust. trust.

we've talked in my sunday school class a few times about the need to "participate" with God. So where is the balance? where's the balance between trusting God for all that He will and is able to do and our part in walking with Christ? What is my role? Balance is hard for me, as I think it is for most people. I tend to go to an extreme... I either blindly do nothing, and assume it will all work out (while doing nothing) or i worry, worry, worry. where is this balance?

maybe it's a simple matter of obedience.... waiting on God, and in the meantime treating people with love and respect... treating them as Christ would treat them---responding to injustices---praying---trying to draw close to my Creator---trusting the greatness of the plans that He's got, and knowing that these plans are not just for me. Any plan that God has for me, is not just for me. It's for the Kingdom. so until then... i am trusting, and hopefully learning how to treat others with at least a little respect and dignity.

Technology.... just not my thing...

I will write a real post later. However, this post is to share my excitement over the fact that I have had this blog for at least a year now and I have just now figured out how to add a picture and links to other blogs. Part of me feels a little on the stupid side, and the other part feels like i just a finished a really hard paper. Hope you all enjoy the new layout.... the polka dots were starting to get to me.

Hey you-thanks!

i've been wanting to write something on the importance of gratitude and thankfulness for a few days now. no, i am not going to list what i am thankful for. no, i am not going to merely suggest that it's a good idea to be thankful.

my friend peter teaches the sunday school class i go to each week. and each week we start prayer with just listing our "thanks." there's something profound about saying thanks to God and to others in a communal setting that draws us close to the Father... there is something there that reminds us that we are His, that we are taken care of when we are reminded of all that He has done for us.

over the past year, i have mulled over the phrase "giving control to God." and i realize that i have absolutely no idea how to do this, and most days, even what this means. we like to say it a lot. but really, what does this mean? what does it mean to give control to One i cannot see, while i still need to live my life, make decisions, pay bills, and be proactive in loving people? what does it mean to be humble before the Creator of the universe and allow Him to take control of my life? what does it mean to truly live in a Christ-centered community with my brothers and sisters? i want to suggest that true, genuine gratitude is at the heart of it.

i have been reminded this week of a few things about gratitude. first, true thankfulness is at the heart of humility. if i am genuinely thanking you for doing something for me, i am admitting that i have not done it myself, or was not able to do it myself. i am confessing that i have received something outside of my control. in a way, i am reliquishing my dependency upon myself. thanksgiving leads to the willingness to be humble. living in gratitude reminds me of what i have been given, and that i did not do it for myself. and when i'm not thankful, when i'm arrogant and living in a posture of demanding to be taken care of, i am much more likely to live into pride and a host of other sins.

second, i'd like to suggest that to truly be thankful is also related to doing and being in the center of God's will. There's a verse (1 Thess. 5:18) that says, "Give thanks continually, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." i'm realizing more and more that i wonder and stress out over which decision is right and "God's will." maybe it's not necessarily a matter of which job to take or which road to go down-but it's about me being in a posture of genuine gratitude. It's a matter of me acknowledging that all good things come from above (and not my own doing!) and living a life that reflects my dependence on my Creator and living in awe and thankfulness for what He alone can do.

back to that first thought about the trouble of understanding how to give God control.... if i understand that all things come from Him, and I am able to live in thankfulness for all that He has blessed me with, then I am able to be much more free to relinquish control. I am able to remember in my mind and heart that His plan is intrinsically good and i can trust that. I am able to give myself over to Him. as simplistic as this sounds, it starts with giving thanks! Giving thanks is about giving up myself.

i believe understanding this will change how i see other people and everything that has been created by God, and how i understand this life. it seems so simple... yet this is our calling: to remember that God is the source, and that He is good.

Thought-flow

Musings of the week:

-i have discovered that i despise terms like 'evangelizing,' 'witnessing,' 'accepting Christ,' etc. Perhaps that makes me a bad Christian, and I am ok with that label. Instead of having a strategy to evangelize and change people, i think i would rather just invite people to follow Jesus... I would rather invite them to the feast prepared for us by our Heavenly Father. I'm already selfish enough... i really don't have a need to keep God for myself (as i accept Him for myself... i really think He wants to be shared with all the people He created).

-i am finding that in the recent days of gorgeous Kentucky weather, I would do just about anything to live in a place with a great porch. oh, how i long for this.

-There is great, deep and profound power in invitation. When we invite others to join us... for anything, we are reminding them that we delight in their presence and that we long to be with them. We are able to affirm them by saying, "i see good in you. so much so that i want to be with you." Do I delight in the presence of others in the same way that God delights in me? Do I understand how God delights in me and in my presence?

-i realize that it's quite easy to mourn over the things that i don't have, and forget all that i do have. but i do have so much.... i am so thankful today for the beautiful women in my lifegroup, for beautiful weather, for God's provision, for silly middle school girls, for the beauty of simplicity, for laughter, for babies, for friends who care, for the power of those who welcome me in, for cleansing tears, for redemption, for self-reflection and self-awareness, for hope.

-finally, i read this passage today and it was particularly meaningful to me:

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain.
I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me.
-Psalm 3:3-5

Journaling about Journaling

I should be doing homework right now. What homework, you ask? well, in all reality the two people who read this probably aren't asking that, but i shall tell you anyway. All i have to do is write 2 journal entries for my discipleship development in the family class. This seems like an assignment that I'd love... I normally love to do self-reflective writing, the kind that helps me probe into my soul and allows me to express myself. however, I am definitely not into it, and i'm not sure why. In fact, doing school this semester has been difficult. In fact, it's been a struggle to stay focused the past month and a half. anytime i need to listen to someone who is speaking in a public setting I have found my mind wandering... daydreaming.... i feel as though i'm somewhere else. i don't know where i am, exactly, or where i wish i could be. and it's frustrating, because i want to be focused. i want to be in the moment. so this has been my prayer of late... that i would be where i am, and be engaged in what God has for me.

and so, since i am having trouble journaling about what someone else wants me to journal about, i'll start here. i have so much going on inside my head that i just don't know how to express. i know that is a common problem of mine, but it really does get old. i find myself longing for belonging, longing for the touch and depth of my Heavenly Father... longing to understand the beauty of how God has created me. longing to understand and to really, really know the mystery of having a relationship with Jesus. it so often does not make sense to me and doesn't click, especially being in the midst of much Christian-ese.

I was babysitting today for a sweet little 3 year old. We were playing outside and she decided that she wanted to pretend to be Jesus. I couldn't call her by her real name--I had to call her Jesus. There were a lot of thoughts that went through my head as we played this game. First, I kind of liked that she is growing up with a deep awareness of talking about Jesus and having the reminders that He is close, present, accessible. Second, I thought about what it might mean for someone to see me and to think... "hey, you remind me a lot of Jesus... so much so that you look like Him, talk like Him, think like Him." (i am nowhere near that point....) Perhaps that is the point of the deepening of the Christian life... to continually be on a quest to figure out what it means to both imitate Christ and to follow in His footsteps. There were other thoughts too... really, i thought it was funny that she wouldn't let me call her by her real name... only Jesus. it was cute.

i am also doing a lot of thinking about what it means to truly match up what i think with what i say, feel, believe and do. I am realizing more and more how many discrepancies there are in my life. i'd like to be genuine... to offer warmth, acceptance and hospitality to all... and i'm working on it.... but i also realize how many selfish tendencies i've got. i've been deeply reminded recently that the point of my life is not for myself. any good thing that is bestowed upon me is not really for me... it's for the Kingdom. it's for something much bigger than myself. i have had a friend recently remind me, a couple of times, that i just need to be honest. even if i am mad at him or disagree with him-i just need to say what i think. in theory, this is a great idea. but for some reason i struggle with this so much, and have a hard time just saying what i think without apology.

i'm also in a season where i realize that i have some very strong, deep desires that I am not sure are from God. As i am praying through these things, i struggle with the balance between knowing that God honors and uses the longings of my heart, but being able to desire only the things that are of the Father. i really have no idea how to do this, but trusting in the provision of God.

if you have made it all the way through this post, bravo! blessings to all who tread here...

a new week, a new post

it's been one of those weeks where a lot has happened, and not a lot has happened at the same time. here's a review of the life of maggie...

-a tornado hit the town where i spent most of my childhood summers and where i still have family. it's been scary and sad to think about, especially reading reports on this. if you think about it, keep enterprise, AL in your prayers. this tornado appears to have done significant damage. i'm sad for my aunt who still lives there, as she takes in all this damage and destruction.

-the past few days have been hard. i've taken things way too hard, way too personally. i've made mountains out of molehills, and i'm realizing my selfish tendencies within this. i'm reminded that a little perspective goes a long way, while at the same time needing to give myself permission to be upset if that's how i feel. i've gone through the gamut of emotions this week... joy, pain, rejection, isolation, contentment, discontentment, holding on, releasing, deep frustration, feeling ugly, feeling beautiful. i struggle so much with not allowing others to define how i feel... slowly, i'm learning how to balance this with being comfortable in my own skin.

-i allowed frustration to get the best of me this weekend. luckily, i was able to confront my frustration, and the object of this frustration reminded me that i have the right to speak my mind, and i have the right to feel mad. it's nice to feel validated sometimes.

-learning how to be honest without being mean and while maintaining sensitivity and respect is definitely not something i have mastered. i'd like to be there... and ever so slowly, i think i'm getting there.

-in the midst of so many frustrations over the past few days, God has reminded me of His presence, His plan, His purpose, His love. and while being frustrated, i've also felt the warmth of connection with good friends. it's been a week of sometimes wondering why i try in friendships... feeling disillusioned, but then being reminded that i need to chill out. i've been reminded that people do care for me... that even in my messiness, i do have people who see beauty in me, and who don't want to see me hurting.

-i'm realizing that the ways in which i desire to be loved by others are often not how they will always choose to show love. instead of coming to the table with my demands, i need to seek to be surprised by joy.

Finding my voice

Today my friend judy came up to me after church and said, "You have such an amazing, strong voice." I thought at first she was referring to my singing, and since she didn't sit anywhere near me during worship, i thought.. "whoa. i must have been singing way too loud... and kind of bad." but she went on to say that when i have things to say, they are good things. and not just good... but good. Things full of truth and insight... things that others need to hear. and she went on... she said, "maggie, you stay quiet most of the time... but when you do say something, it's something that others need to hear. you need to use your voice. you have thoughts worth hearing."

all i can say is... wow. this is something that has always been a struggle for me... i know that i have strong opinions, but i tend to live in this place that tells me that others will think what i have to say is juvenile, or stupid, or worthless, or won't make sense. or that my thoughts won't make a difference. I have a really hard time believing that what i have to say will make a difference... or that i have a voice worthy to be heard.

but i was reminded today that i do have a voice, thoughts put in my head by my Heavenly Father to do good things. I am often tempted to downplay what I think, wanting to reject what goes through my head. But my friend Judy has so lovingly reminded me that it's just not true. and when i reject my own voice, perhaps i am rejecting receiving from God, and from giving to others what God has given to me to share.

it strikes me that it's all part of a process of trusting the Creator with how He has created us. Self-deprecation can be so deceiving, and what may feel like humility is exactly the opposite.... looking to our own failings more than we look to our Father. Knowing that I have something worthwhile to say... something that others might listen to... wow. this floors me... all a part of the process of understanding God's purposes for me, i suppose....

a narcissistic faith?

i know that i'm in seminary/grad school, but i try not to use 5 dollar words a lot. however, narcissism is one that i like a lot. it sounds cooler than just saying selfish. and i've been thinking about this a lot... how i tend to view my life and my story as more important than the lives of others. i've been praying recently for God to help me get outside of myself, to truly place myself in the shoes of those around me... to not think just from my own perspective, but from the eyes of folks around me.

last week in one of my classes, Dr. Kiesling posed this question to us: Has evangelicalism contributed to the narcissism of our age? Does the church's mission point to the cross, or to individualism?

in mulling over this question, i started thinking about the language we use in the church. Receive Christ for yourself. Accept Him in your heart. Make Him your personal Lord and Savior. These statements conjure up images of having a little Jesus action figure that i can put in my pocket and pull out when I need Him. Isn't God bigger than that?

Dr. Kiesling suggested that the language we should perhaps be using when one decides to be a Christian is to "follow Jesus." This, to me, speaks of the difference between trying to fit God into my life versus deciding to make my life about God.

How do I get rid of all this "I" language while still caring for and acknowledging the creation that is Maggie? How do I make the Kingdom of God my end goal? What does it really mean to follow Jesus... to follow this One I cannot see, cannot touch... but that I trust in? What does it mean to pour out my heart... to empty all that is important to me onto the feet of Jesus?

I've realized that recently it's been difficult to sit through worship services, where I feel like I hear the same thing i've been hearing for many consecutive weeks. How does this thing, this movement, this life in the Kingdom stay fresh and alive? And in my desire for spiritual moments, I realize that I've got some spiritual selfishness i need to deal with. Will this cycle never end?

Any thoughts?

peace and blessings to all who enter here,
maggie

Truth, Community and Encouragment

For the past few days I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I have let some circumstances that are outside of my control get me down and define how i feel and how i see myself. This is something i've done my whole life, and something i find myself fighting against on a regular basis. i'm working on it...it can just be pretty tiring and overwhelming sometimes. trying to remind myself of the truth can be an uphill battle, as i fight the war of my over-analytic mind. The past 24 hours have been rough, and i have been fighting the battle of discouragement and doubt. In the midst of this, I've been reminded of the strength and beauty of community and friendships. In the middle of beating up on myself and not believing in the grace that God rains down on me, a friend reminded me today of some important things. They were things that I didn't even know that I needed to be reminded of, but yet there God met me. And i'm not sure if this friend knows the weight of what he did for me, but I guess that's part of what community is. When we are ourselves, when we are faithful to God and to our brothers and sisters, we speak life and truth into each other.

my friend peter explains this as "everyone showing up with an armful of presents." we give and receive the life-giving message of Christ's hope to each other. most of the time, we don't realize how much we mean to each other, but in the end, we bring the message of salvation to each other. what a simple yet beautiful thing.

some days, i'm realizing, it's just too much to try to convince yourself of the truth when the craziness of life hits. there's something about hearing truth from a brother, and knowing that he really cares and wants you to really believe it.

God is good.

Random Monday

I feel as though i should post, just because. i'm not sure that anyone actually reads this, but just in case you do, here are my thoughts!

-I have been working a lot... babysitting and phonathon. and when i'm not working, i'm preparing for church stuff. that's been my life. i wish that i had something else really exciting to report, but i don't. i think that i struggle when life is not "exciting," so i'm trying to learn how to live in joyful contentment when life is even-keeled. but seriously, jumping on a trampoline or having a party or hearing from someone i've never heard from sounds fun right now. sound high-maintenance? i can be like that.

-i have been thinking a lot about my motivations and realize that most days, my motives are really not that great. in fact, they are really pretty selfish. i find that i do a lot of things for the attention and acclaim of others... especially "spiritual" things. this thought makes me sick. it leads me to think about what it REALLY means to be a disciple. is it singing pretty praise songs and praying and reading my Bible and going to church? or is it more? is it really about being able to serve others before myself? is it more about loving people who don't receive love? how do these two sets of things meet?

-i am longing for connection, yet needing alone time. i am learning how to be honest with other people (but that's a pretty slow process).

-i have struggled through some emotional hurts this week from unmet expectations. trying to hope-not expect.

-i have been really stressed about money.

-my roommate's not coming back this spring. i think it will be weird, but ok. i see God's hand in this.

-i have been trying to uncover all the things that God is wanting to refine. Sometimes i feel like i'm doing ok, only to realize that there's so much that God is wanting to tear away. Some days it feels like a lot to comprehend.

-i have been very thankful for emerging friendships this week... people who accept for who i am, quirks and all.

-i have been trying to be very, very honest about who i am, how i relate to God, where He is taking me, etc.

-i'm not sure how i feel about the upcoming semester. some days i dread it... i feel nervous about all that is coming up. trying to stand in faith that it will be ok. also excited about new friends and relationships.

-i am realizing now that this post sounds sort of negative. i don't know why i feel negative right now... things really are ok. i think i am very tired, and feeling unsettled. maybe i just need a hug, some hot chocolate and some good sleep. and if you've made it thus far in my ramblings, you are awesome!

so many thoughts, so few words

i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, with little way to articulate them, and i have been so up and down. i feel like i'm going through some sort of transition. do you ever feel like your soul is in transition? is that possible? if so, that is definitely how i feel right now. i don't think it's bad...in fact, it's probably a good thing....it's just....something. weird? hard? unidentifiable? and i love to be able to articulate myself-to put labels and words on my feelings. it always makes me feel at peace. and i can't right now-and that's the hard part.

i have found myself in many spots recently where i have needed to learn to be alone... and i realize that i stink at this. i crave people-i crave attention-i crave hugs and affirmation and encouragement and community and truth and authenticity...and when i don't have these things... i struggle. i don't think it's bad to crave these things, but when they start to define who you are... that's a definite danger zone.

as a result of having spent so many years of defining myself by what others have said, i now find myself in a spot of needing to search and seek out what my Heavenly Father says about me. A few weeks ago I was floored by a passage in Hosea:

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.

A couple of things really affect me in this passage. First, in verse 14 says that He will allure His daughter into the desert...into a wilderness spot, of sorts. i feel like i've been in a wilderness spot for a while, and i haven't understood it. i've scrambled and i've wrestled and i've tried to get away from the wilderness. it feels dry-hopeless-lifeless. but this passage reminds me of the purpose of the wilderness....it is out of God's love and desire for His children that He leads us into the wilderness... because sometimes in the wilderness, when we are most naked and vulnerable and needy that we are able to hear the life-giving words of the Father. It is out of His love that He leads us to the desert.

The second thing that pierced me about this passage is the end. "...you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" How often have I gone to God simply out of necessity? How many times have I viewed Him almost as a slot machine (put enough prayers in, and then something good may come out) or even more often as an angry, distant father for whom I could never be good enough? But i've been reminded that God longs to be more than a master who gives me the bare minimum... He longs for intimacy with me, and with His church as a whole. He longs for our hearts... our whole beings. He is not distant... He is not disinterested. He wants to be as close to me as i would one day be to my husband. He longs to be as close, if not closer, than two humans can possibly get.

i tend to live and learn experientially, and so feeling close to a God whom I cannot physically touch is a challenge sometimes. And as i find that I long for others, God is showing me how to be satisfied with Him. to be joyfully and simply content. some moments i'm good at this... and others... well... i'm learning. there are many times that i have to be reminded by others of who I am to God. but that's community, i suppose... and a subject for a future post....

Demands

I once had a mentor (my Mission Year city director, Josh) who would constantly remind us to have "open-handed hopes" versus "close-fisted expectations." I have been reminded of this a lot in the past several days. I find that I often have expectations of how things should be-how people should respond-how people should relate-how I should respond-etc, etc, etc. It never, ever works out like it does in my head.... In fact, I find that I live inside my head a lot. Almost fantasy world of sorts--perhaps a way to escape from reality? maybe. and then i come face to face with unmet expectations, and that can be crushing.

Over Christmas break I have been blessed with people who care about me, financial provision, a family who cares about me, friends who have called, circumstances working out, and yet I have still managed to find room to complain. It's because of expectations. And when i've got these close-fisted expectations, there's not a whole lot of room for the beauty of hope to unfold. I feel like a small child whose parent is slowly releasing that furled up fist. i'm trying to learn how release, to dance with joy what life offers me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own expectations of how life should be that i experience the frustration that quickly leads to resentment. I resent others, resent relationships, resent myself. And i know that this is not the life God desires for me to live-because there is no freedom in this. God is showing me how to live in freedom, with open-handed hopes, learning to be surprised by Him... instead of demanding that I am taken care of in a certain way, in a certain time.

Praying to be surprised by joy,
maggie

Wedding Dresses, Checks, and God's goodness

i'm in st. louis now for the holidays, and i've only been here for a couple of days so far, although it's felt longer than that. not because it's been bad, but just because it's been packed with lots of great things!

yesterday was a looong day. i went wedding dress shopping with my cousin. it was fun... but sort of an intense few hours. i was really, really glad i got to go... and it was just a sweet thing to be there the moment she found the dress she'll be wearing at the moment she commits to her husband (who i am a big fan of!). so that was pretty cool, but exhausting. then i came home, chilled with the parentals, then spent some time with one of my favorite people in the world... my best friend sarah. of course, by this time i was completely tired and out of it and about to drop. sorry, sarah. but it was great to see her.

then i went to church today, which was atypical, for a few reasons. the first reason is that next sunday will be the last sunday my home church, the church i attended since i was 5 years old, will have open doors. this church has been slowly dwindling and dying for a long time, and they've decided to call it quits. kind of bittersweet. it's not a church where i am incredibly spiritually fed... but there are people there who love me very deeply and who have known me since i was a young brat. the other reason that today was strange was that the church gave me a quite sizeable donation for helping me to pay off school loans. it was unexpected, sweet, and nothing short of God reminding me of His love and provision for me.

so that's what i've done so far over my break, but i feel God doing something great in me right now, something that is hard to articulate. I've been attempting to really be committed to prayer, and asking God to put in me a spirit of awe of His presence. I also feel like God is reminding me that He is desiring a greater level intimacy with me-that He longs to be more than just a provider, or a back-up plan. He longs to dance with me and to be the closest thing to me. I was reading the book of Hosea last week, and was hit hard with this message of intimacy with God, and have been pondering a lot about what this means. it's been good.

it's been one of those weeks where God is reminding me gently and clearly that He is faithful, that He is real, that He is quite active.

blessings to all who may come upon this for an incredible Christmas day! may you know the heighth and depth and breadth of Christ's love for you today!

movin' on up

in a moment of boredom many months ago, i originally created this blog to post a quote of the day. yes, i realize that's sort of a waste of time when i already had another blog. however, i have come to realize that i actually like blogger better than xanga, so this shall be my new posting site! in honor of this new site, here are fun facts about me:

1. one of the things i love most in the world is wearing a great pair of fuzzy and fun socks.
2. i have never had chicken pox.
3. i am originally from st. louis, MO, but was born in nashville, TN. i have also lived in california, jackson, Tn, Georgia and Kentucky.
4. my favorite place as a kid was southern alabama. i use to visit my relatives there and would go to this little town called enterprise. i loved it. mostly because i got to go to camp and go swimming and do fun kid stuff all summer.
5. i do not know how to dive.
6. i hate banannas.
7. i have no food allergies.
8. i LOVE hot chocolate!
9. since high school, i have been a day care worker, receptionist, christmas present wrapper, preschool teacher, youth intern, youth director, day camp director, babysitter/nanny, retail worker, summer intern coordinator, and after-school teacher.
10. i graduated from high school in st. louis, MO in 1997 and from college in TN in 2001.
11. I am currently in seminary and will get my master of arts in Christian ministries with an emphasis in congregational care. i feel as though that is an absurdly long title for a relatively simple degree.
12. i la-la-la-LOVE mashed potatoes.
13. i have one older brother. his name is randall and he's an actor. he lives in new york city and i love visiting him there!
14. i love children's books.
15. once, as a young child, when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i replied, "a microphone." i don't remember this incident, but was reminded of this comment quite frequently. i don't really know what this comment says about me.
16. i love middle school girls. especially the ones who get left out.
17. i love watching old sitcoms. one of my favorites is the cosby show, and i love watching old re-runs of it.
18. I think that the best movie i saw this year was Little Miss Sunshine-hilarious!
19. I waste time watching tv. namely-the office, grey's anatomy, and gilmore girls. this is probably not a great vice, but it happens.
20. i like to feel smart. this doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i get excited.

Let's be honest... we're all thinkin' it....

This was part of a prayer I heard the other day.

"Jesus, please help my grandmother to get some honeybuns today." --Timothy, 4 years old

Not a Quote... but still fun!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME : (first pet and current street name) ---Isaiah North Lexington

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME : (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy) ---Evelyn Almond Joy

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME : (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name) ---M. Mid

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME : (favorite animal, favorite color) --- Dog purple

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME : (middle name, city where you were born) --- Dianna Nashville

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME : (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) --- Midkkimac

7. JEDI NAME : (middle name spelled backwards, your grandpa's name on your father's side spelled backwards) --- annaid trebor

8. SUPERHERO NAME : ("The," your favorite color, the automobile you drive or your parents drive) --- The purple escort