i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, with little way to articulate them, and i have been so up and down. i feel like i'm going through some sort of transition. do you ever feel like your soul is in transition? is that possible? if so, that is definitely how i feel right now. i don't think it's bad...in fact, it's probably a good thing....it's just....something. weird? hard? unidentifiable? and i love to be able to articulate myself-to put labels and words on my feelings. it always makes me feel at peace. and i can't right now-and that's the hard part.
i have found myself in many spots recently where i have needed to learn to be alone... and i realize that i stink at this. i crave people-i crave attention-i crave hugs and affirmation and encouragement and community and truth and authenticity...and when i don't have these things... i struggle. i don't think it's bad to crave these things, but when they start to define who you are... that's a definite danger zone.
as a result of having spent so many years of defining myself by what others have said, i now find myself in a spot of needing to search and seek out what my Heavenly Father says about me. A few weeks ago I was floored by a passage in Hosea:
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.
A couple of things really affect me in this passage. First, in verse 14 says that He will allure His daughter into the desert...into a wilderness spot, of sorts. i feel like i've been in a wilderness spot for a while, and i haven't understood it. i've scrambled and i've wrestled and i've tried to get away from the wilderness. it feels dry-hopeless-lifeless. but this passage reminds me of the purpose of the wilderness....it is out of God's love and desire for His children that He leads us into the wilderness... because sometimes in the wilderness, when we are most naked and vulnerable and needy that we are able to hear the life-giving words of the Father. It is out of His love that He leads us to the desert.
The second thing that pierced me about this passage is the end. "...you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" How often have I gone to God simply out of necessity? How many times have I viewed Him almost as a slot machine (put enough prayers in, and then something good may come out) or even more often as an angry, distant father for whom I could never be good enough? But i've been reminded that God longs to be more than a master who gives me the bare minimum... He longs for intimacy with me, and with His church as a whole. He longs for our hearts... our whole beings. He is not distant... He is not disinterested. He wants to be as close to me as i would one day be to my husband. He longs to be as close, if not closer, than two humans can possibly get.
i tend to live and learn experientially, and so feeling close to a God whom I cannot physically touch is a challenge sometimes. And as i find that I long for others, God is showing me how to be satisfied with Him. to be joyfully and simply content. some moments i'm good at this... and others... well... i'm learning. there are many times that i have to be reminded by others of who I am to God. but that's community, i suppose... and a subject for a future post....
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2 comments:
I hear ya on the experiential thing-sometimes all I want to do is physically touch God.Normally that's in a time of emotional struggle when that kind of comfort seems the perfect fix.But yeah,it's a learning process!
true, true. i think that the times i have struggled most in my faith have been the times that i could not physically touch God, actually hug him. i know that may sound dumb... but yeah. i think over the past year i have been asking myself the question, "how do i tangibly love an intangible God?" and how do i put into practice all those things i hear of God being near and real? i think these are good questions to ask... definitely a learning process!
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