Random Monday

I feel as though i should post, just because. i'm not sure that anyone actually reads this, but just in case you do, here are my thoughts!

-I have been working a lot... babysitting and phonathon. and when i'm not working, i'm preparing for church stuff. that's been my life. i wish that i had something else really exciting to report, but i don't. i think that i struggle when life is not "exciting," so i'm trying to learn how to live in joyful contentment when life is even-keeled. but seriously, jumping on a trampoline or having a party or hearing from someone i've never heard from sounds fun right now. sound high-maintenance? i can be like that.

-i have been thinking a lot about my motivations and realize that most days, my motives are really not that great. in fact, they are really pretty selfish. i find that i do a lot of things for the attention and acclaim of others... especially "spiritual" things. this thought makes me sick. it leads me to think about what it REALLY means to be a disciple. is it singing pretty praise songs and praying and reading my Bible and going to church? or is it more? is it really about being able to serve others before myself? is it more about loving people who don't receive love? how do these two sets of things meet?

-i am longing for connection, yet needing alone time. i am learning how to be honest with other people (but that's a pretty slow process).

-i have struggled through some emotional hurts this week from unmet expectations. trying to hope-not expect.

-i have been really stressed about money.

-my roommate's not coming back this spring. i think it will be weird, but ok. i see God's hand in this.

-i have been trying to uncover all the things that God is wanting to refine. Sometimes i feel like i'm doing ok, only to realize that there's so much that God is wanting to tear away. Some days it feels like a lot to comprehend.

-i have been very thankful for emerging friendships this week... people who accept for who i am, quirks and all.

-i have been trying to be very, very honest about who i am, how i relate to God, where He is taking me, etc.

-i'm not sure how i feel about the upcoming semester. some days i dread it... i feel nervous about all that is coming up. trying to stand in faith that it will be ok. also excited about new friends and relationships.

-i am realizing now that this post sounds sort of negative. i don't know why i feel negative right now... things really are ok. i think i am very tired, and feeling unsettled. maybe i just need a hug, some hot chocolate and some good sleep. and if you've made it thus far in my ramblings, you are awesome!