Demands

I once had a mentor (my Mission Year city director, Josh) who would constantly remind us to have "open-handed hopes" versus "close-fisted expectations." I have been reminded of this a lot in the past several days. I find that I often have expectations of how things should be-how people should respond-how people should relate-how I should respond-etc, etc, etc. It never, ever works out like it does in my head.... In fact, I find that I live inside my head a lot. Almost fantasy world of sorts--perhaps a way to escape from reality? maybe. and then i come face to face with unmet expectations, and that can be crushing.

Over Christmas break I have been blessed with people who care about me, financial provision, a family who cares about me, friends who have called, circumstances working out, and yet I have still managed to find room to complain. It's because of expectations. And when i've got these close-fisted expectations, there's not a whole lot of room for the beauty of hope to unfold. I feel like a small child whose parent is slowly releasing that furled up fist. i'm trying to learn how release, to dance with joy what life offers me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own expectations of how life should be that i experience the frustration that quickly leads to resentment. I resent others, resent relationships, resent myself. And i know that this is not the life God desires for me to live-because there is no freedom in this. God is showing me how to live in freedom, with open-handed hopes, learning to be surprised by Him... instead of demanding that I am taken care of in a certain way, in a certain time.

Praying to be surprised by joy,
maggie