For the past few days I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I have let some circumstances that are outside of my control get me down and define how i feel and how i see myself. This is something i've done my whole life, and something i find myself fighting against on a regular basis. i'm working on it...it can just be pretty tiring and overwhelming sometimes. trying to remind myself of the truth can be an uphill battle, as i fight the war of my over-analytic mind. The past 24 hours have been rough, and i have been fighting the battle of discouragement and doubt. In the midst of this, I've been reminded of the strength and beauty of community and friendships. In the middle of beating up on myself and not believing in the grace that God rains down on me, a friend reminded me today of some important things. They were things that I didn't even know that I needed to be reminded of, but yet there God met me. And i'm not sure if this friend knows the weight of what he did for me, but I guess that's part of what community is. When we are ourselves, when we are faithful to God and to our brothers and sisters, we speak life and truth into each other.
my friend peter explains this as "everyone showing up with an armful of presents." we give and receive the life-giving message of Christ's hope to each other. most of the time, we don't realize how much we mean to each other, but in the end, we bring the message of salvation to each other. what a simple yet beautiful thing.
some days, i'm realizing, it's just too much to try to convince yourself of the truth when the craziness of life hits. there's something about hearing truth from a brother, and knowing that he really cares and wants you to really believe it.
God is good.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Random Monday
I feel as though i should post, just because. i'm not sure that anyone actually reads this, but just in case you do, here are my thoughts!
-I have been working a lot... babysitting and phonathon. and when i'm not working, i'm preparing for church stuff. that's been my life. i wish that i had something else really exciting to report, but i don't. i think that i struggle when life is not "exciting," so i'm trying to learn how to live in joyful contentment when life is even-keeled. but seriously, jumping on a trampoline or having a party or hearing from someone i've never heard from sounds fun right now. sound high-maintenance? i can be like that.
-i have been thinking a lot about my motivations and realize that most days, my motives are really not that great. in fact, they are really pretty selfish. i find that i do a lot of things for the attention and acclaim of others... especially "spiritual" things. this thought makes me sick. it leads me to think about what it REALLY means to be a disciple. is it singing pretty praise songs and praying and reading my Bible and going to church? or is it more? is it really about being able to serve others before myself? is it more about loving people who don't receive love? how do these two sets of things meet?
-i am longing for connection, yet needing alone time. i am learning how to be honest with other people (but that's a pretty slow process).
-i have struggled through some emotional hurts this week from unmet expectations. trying to hope-not expect.
-i have been really stressed about money.
-my roommate's not coming back this spring. i think it will be weird, but ok. i see God's hand in this.
-i have been trying to uncover all the things that God is wanting to refine. Sometimes i feel like i'm doing ok, only to realize that there's so much that God is wanting to tear away. Some days it feels like a lot to comprehend.
-i have been very thankful for emerging friendships this week... people who accept for who i am, quirks and all.
-i have been trying to be very, very honest about who i am, how i relate to God, where He is taking me, etc.
-i'm not sure how i feel about the upcoming semester. some days i dread it... i feel nervous about all that is coming up. trying to stand in faith that it will be ok. also excited about new friends and relationships.
-i am realizing now that this post sounds sort of negative. i don't know why i feel negative right now... things really are ok. i think i am very tired, and feeling unsettled. maybe i just need a hug, some hot chocolate and some good sleep. and if you've made it thus far in my ramblings, you are awesome!
-I have been working a lot... babysitting and phonathon. and when i'm not working, i'm preparing for church stuff. that's been my life. i wish that i had something else really exciting to report, but i don't. i think that i struggle when life is not "exciting," so i'm trying to learn how to live in joyful contentment when life is even-keeled. but seriously, jumping on a trampoline or having a party or hearing from someone i've never heard from sounds fun right now. sound high-maintenance? i can be like that.
-i have been thinking a lot about my motivations and realize that most days, my motives are really not that great. in fact, they are really pretty selfish. i find that i do a lot of things for the attention and acclaim of others... especially "spiritual" things. this thought makes me sick. it leads me to think about what it REALLY means to be a disciple. is it singing pretty praise songs and praying and reading my Bible and going to church? or is it more? is it really about being able to serve others before myself? is it more about loving people who don't receive love? how do these two sets of things meet?
-i am longing for connection, yet needing alone time. i am learning how to be honest with other people (but that's a pretty slow process).
-i have struggled through some emotional hurts this week from unmet expectations. trying to hope-not expect.
-i have been really stressed about money.
-my roommate's not coming back this spring. i think it will be weird, but ok. i see God's hand in this.
-i have been trying to uncover all the things that God is wanting to refine. Sometimes i feel like i'm doing ok, only to realize that there's so much that God is wanting to tear away. Some days it feels like a lot to comprehend.
-i have been very thankful for emerging friendships this week... people who accept for who i am, quirks and all.
-i have been trying to be very, very honest about who i am, how i relate to God, where He is taking me, etc.
-i'm not sure how i feel about the upcoming semester. some days i dread it... i feel nervous about all that is coming up. trying to stand in faith that it will be ok. also excited about new friends and relationships.
-i am realizing now that this post sounds sort of negative. i don't know why i feel negative right now... things really are ok. i think i am very tired, and feeling unsettled. maybe i just need a hug, some hot chocolate and some good sleep. and if you've made it thus far in my ramblings, you are awesome!
Friday, January 12, 2007
so many thoughts, so few words
i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, with little way to articulate them, and i have been so up and down. i feel like i'm going through some sort of transition. do you ever feel like your soul is in transition? is that possible? if so, that is definitely how i feel right now. i don't think it's bad...in fact, it's probably a good thing....it's just....something. weird? hard? unidentifiable? and i love to be able to articulate myself-to put labels and words on my feelings. it always makes me feel at peace. and i can't right now-and that's the hard part.
i have found myself in many spots recently where i have needed to learn to be alone... and i realize that i stink at this. i crave people-i crave attention-i crave hugs and affirmation and encouragement and community and truth and authenticity...and when i don't have these things... i struggle. i don't think it's bad to crave these things, but when they start to define who you are... that's a definite danger zone.
as a result of having spent so many years of defining myself by what others have said, i now find myself in a spot of needing to search and seek out what my Heavenly Father says about me. A few weeks ago I was floored by a passage in Hosea:
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.
A couple of things really affect me in this passage. First, in verse 14 says that He will allure His daughter into the desert...into a wilderness spot, of sorts. i feel like i've been in a wilderness spot for a while, and i haven't understood it. i've scrambled and i've wrestled and i've tried to get away from the wilderness. it feels dry-hopeless-lifeless. but this passage reminds me of the purpose of the wilderness....it is out of God's love and desire for His children that He leads us into the wilderness... because sometimes in the wilderness, when we are most naked and vulnerable and needy that we are able to hear the life-giving words of the Father. It is out of His love that He leads us to the desert.
The second thing that pierced me about this passage is the end. "...you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" How often have I gone to God simply out of necessity? How many times have I viewed Him almost as a slot machine (put enough prayers in, and then something good may come out) or even more often as an angry, distant father for whom I could never be good enough? But i've been reminded that God longs to be more than a master who gives me the bare minimum... He longs for intimacy with me, and with His church as a whole. He longs for our hearts... our whole beings. He is not distant... He is not disinterested. He wants to be as close to me as i would one day be to my husband. He longs to be as close, if not closer, than two humans can possibly get.
i tend to live and learn experientially, and so feeling close to a God whom I cannot physically touch is a challenge sometimes. And as i find that I long for others, God is showing me how to be satisfied with Him. to be joyfully and simply content. some moments i'm good at this... and others... well... i'm learning. there are many times that i have to be reminded by others of who I am to God. but that's community, i suppose... and a subject for a future post....
i have found myself in many spots recently where i have needed to learn to be alone... and i realize that i stink at this. i crave people-i crave attention-i crave hugs and affirmation and encouragement and community and truth and authenticity...and when i don't have these things... i struggle. i don't think it's bad to crave these things, but when they start to define who you are... that's a definite danger zone.
as a result of having spent so many years of defining myself by what others have said, i now find myself in a spot of needing to search and seek out what my Heavenly Father says about me. A few weeks ago I was floored by a passage in Hosea:
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.
A couple of things really affect me in this passage. First, in verse 14 says that He will allure His daughter into the desert...into a wilderness spot, of sorts. i feel like i've been in a wilderness spot for a while, and i haven't understood it. i've scrambled and i've wrestled and i've tried to get away from the wilderness. it feels dry-hopeless-lifeless. but this passage reminds me of the purpose of the wilderness....it is out of God's love and desire for His children that He leads us into the wilderness... because sometimes in the wilderness, when we are most naked and vulnerable and needy that we are able to hear the life-giving words of the Father. It is out of His love that He leads us to the desert.
The second thing that pierced me about this passage is the end. "...you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" How often have I gone to God simply out of necessity? How many times have I viewed Him almost as a slot machine (put enough prayers in, and then something good may come out) or even more often as an angry, distant father for whom I could never be good enough? But i've been reminded that God longs to be more than a master who gives me the bare minimum... He longs for intimacy with me, and with His church as a whole. He longs for our hearts... our whole beings. He is not distant... He is not disinterested. He wants to be as close to me as i would one day be to my husband. He longs to be as close, if not closer, than two humans can possibly get.
i tend to live and learn experientially, and so feeling close to a God whom I cannot physically touch is a challenge sometimes. And as i find that I long for others, God is showing me how to be satisfied with Him. to be joyfully and simply content. some moments i'm good at this... and others... well... i'm learning. there are many times that i have to be reminded by others of who I am to God. but that's community, i suppose... and a subject for a future post....
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Demands
I once had a mentor (my Mission Year city director, Josh) who would constantly remind us to have "open-handed hopes" versus "close-fisted expectations." I have been reminded of this a lot in the past several days. I find that I often have expectations of how things should be-how people should respond-how people should relate-how I should respond-etc, etc, etc. It never, ever works out like it does in my head.... In fact, I find that I live inside my head a lot. Almost fantasy world of sorts--perhaps a way to escape from reality? maybe. and then i come face to face with unmet expectations, and that can be crushing.
Over Christmas break I have been blessed with people who care about me, financial provision, a family who cares about me, friends who have called, circumstances working out, and yet I have still managed to find room to complain. It's because of expectations. And when i've got these close-fisted expectations, there's not a whole lot of room for the beauty of hope to unfold. I feel like a small child whose parent is slowly releasing that furled up fist. i'm trying to learn how release, to dance with joy what life offers me.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own expectations of how life should be that i experience the frustration that quickly leads to resentment. I resent others, resent relationships, resent myself. And i know that this is not the life God desires for me to live-because there is no freedom in this. God is showing me how to live in freedom, with open-handed hopes, learning to be surprised by Him... instead of demanding that I am taken care of in a certain way, in a certain time.
Praying to be surprised by joy,
maggie
Over Christmas break I have been blessed with people who care about me, financial provision, a family who cares about me, friends who have called, circumstances working out, and yet I have still managed to find room to complain. It's because of expectations. And when i've got these close-fisted expectations, there's not a whole lot of room for the beauty of hope to unfold. I feel like a small child whose parent is slowly releasing that furled up fist. i'm trying to learn how release, to dance with joy what life offers me.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own expectations of how life should be that i experience the frustration that quickly leads to resentment. I resent others, resent relationships, resent myself. And i know that this is not the life God desires for me to live-because there is no freedom in this. God is showing me how to live in freedom, with open-handed hopes, learning to be surprised by Him... instead of demanding that I am taken care of in a certain way, in a certain time.
Praying to be surprised by joy,
maggie
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Wedding Dresses, Checks, and God's goodness
i'm in st. louis now for the holidays, and i've only been here for a couple of days so far, although it's felt longer than that. not because it's been bad, but just because it's been packed with lots of great things!
yesterday was a looong day. i went wedding dress shopping with my cousin. it was fun... but sort of an intense few hours. i was really, really glad i got to go... and it was just a sweet thing to be there the moment she found the dress she'll be wearing at the moment she commits to her husband (who i am a big fan of!). so that was pretty cool, but exhausting. then i came home, chilled with the parentals, then spent some time with one of my favorite people in the world... my best friend sarah. of course, by this time i was completely tired and out of it and about to drop. sorry, sarah. but it was great to see her.
then i went to church today, which was atypical, for a few reasons. the first reason is that next sunday will be the last sunday my home church, the church i attended since i was 5 years old, will have open doors. this church has been slowly dwindling and dying for a long time, and they've decided to call it quits. kind of bittersweet. it's not a church where i am incredibly spiritually fed... but there are people there who love me very deeply and who have known me since i was a young brat. the other reason that today was strange was that the church gave me a quite sizeable donation for helping me to pay off school loans. it was unexpected, sweet, and nothing short of God reminding me of His love and provision for me.
so that's what i've done so far over my break, but i feel God doing something great in me right now, something that is hard to articulate. I've been attempting to really be committed to prayer, and asking God to put in me a spirit of awe of His presence. I also feel like God is reminding me that He is desiring a greater level intimacy with me-that He longs to be more than just a provider, or a back-up plan. He longs to dance with me and to be the closest thing to me. I was reading the book of Hosea last week, and was hit hard with this message of intimacy with God, and have been pondering a lot about what this means. it's been good.
it's been one of those weeks where God is reminding me gently and clearly that He is faithful, that He is real, that He is quite active.
blessings to all who may come upon this for an incredible Christmas day! may you know the heighth and depth and breadth of Christ's love for you today!
yesterday was a looong day. i went wedding dress shopping with my cousin. it was fun... but sort of an intense few hours. i was really, really glad i got to go... and it was just a sweet thing to be there the moment she found the dress she'll be wearing at the moment she commits to her husband (who i am a big fan of!). so that was pretty cool, but exhausting. then i came home, chilled with the parentals, then spent some time with one of my favorite people in the world... my best friend sarah. of course, by this time i was completely tired and out of it and about to drop. sorry, sarah. but it was great to see her.
then i went to church today, which was atypical, for a few reasons. the first reason is that next sunday will be the last sunday my home church, the church i attended since i was 5 years old, will have open doors. this church has been slowly dwindling and dying for a long time, and they've decided to call it quits. kind of bittersweet. it's not a church where i am incredibly spiritually fed... but there are people there who love me very deeply and who have known me since i was a young brat. the other reason that today was strange was that the church gave me a quite sizeable donation for helping me to pay off school loans. it was unexpected, sweet, and nothing short of God reminding me of His love and provision for me.
so that's what i've done so far over my break, but i feel God doing something great in me right now, something that is hard to articulate. I've been attempting to really be committed to prayer, and asking God to put in me a spirit of awe of His presence. I also feel like God is reminding me that He is desiring a greater level intimacy with me-that He longs to be more than just a provider, or a back-up plan. He longs to dance with me and to be the closest thing to me. I was reading the book of Hosea last week, and was hit hard with this message of intimacy with God, and have been pondering a lot about what this means. it's been good.
it's been one of those weeks where God is reminding me gently and clearly that He is faithful, that He is real, that He is quite active.
blessings to all who may come upon this for an incredible Christmas day! may you know the heighth and depth and breadth of Christ's love for you today!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
movin' on up
in a moment of boredom many months ago, i originally created this blog to post a quote of the day. yes, i realize that's sort of a waste of time when i already had another blog. however, i have come to realize that i actually like blogger better than xanga, so this shall be my new posting site! in honor of this new site, here are fun facts about me:
1. one of the things i love most in the world is wearing a great pair of fuzzy and fun socks.
2. i have never had chicken pox.
3. i am originally from st. louis, MO, but was born in nashville, TN. i have also lived in california, jackson, Tn, Georgia and Kentucky.
4. my favorite place as a kid was southern alabama. i use to visit my relatives there and would go to this little town called enterprise. i loved it. mostly because i got to go to camp and go swimming and do fun kid stuff all summer.
5. i do not know how to dive.
6. i hate banannas.
7. i have no food allergies.
8. i LOVE hot chocolate!
9. since high school, i have been a day care worker, receptionist, christmas present wrapper, preschool teacher, youth intern, youth director, day camp director, babysitter/nanny, retail worker, summer intern coordinator, and after-school teacher.
10. i graduated from high school in st. louis, MO in 1997 and from college in TN in 2001.
11. I am currently in seminary and will get my master of arts in Christian ministries with an emphasis in congregational care. i feel as though that is an absurdly long title for a relatively simple degree.
12. i la-la-la-LOVE mashed potatoes.
13. i have one older brother. his name is randall and he's an actor. he lives in new york city and i love visiting him there!
14. i love children's books.
15. once, as a young child, when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i replied, "a microphone." i don't remember this incident, but was reminded of this comment quite frequently. i don't really know what this comment says about me.
16. i love middle school girls. especially the ones who get left out.
17. i love watching old sitcoms. one of my favorites is the cosby show, and i love watching old re-runs of it.
18. I think that the best movie i saw this year was Little Miss Sunshine-hilarious!
19. I waste time watching tv. namely-the office, grey's anatomy, and gilmore girls. this is probably not a great vice, but it happens.
20. i like to feel smart. this doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i get excited.
1. one of the things i love most in the world is wearing a great pair of fuzzy and fun socks.
2. i have never had chicken pox.
3. i am originally from st. louis, MO, but was born in nashville, TN. i have also lived in california, jackson, Tn, Georgia and Kentucky.
4. my favorite place as a kid was southern alabama. i use to visit my relatives there and would go to this little town called enterprise. i loved it. mostly because i got to go to camp and go swimming and do fun kid stuff all summer.
5. i do not know how to dive.
6. i hate banannas.
7. i have no food allergies.
8. i LOVE hot chocolate!
9. since high school, i have been a day care worker, receptionist, christmas present wrapper, preschool teacher, youth intern, youth director, day camp director, babysitter/nanny, retail worker, summer intern coordinator, and after-school teacher.
10. i graduated from high school in st. louis, MO in 1997 and from college in TN in 2001.
11. I am currently in seminary and will get my master of arts in Christian ministries with an emphasis in congregational care. i feel as though that is an absurdly long title for a relatively simple degree.
12. i la-la-la-LOVE mashed potatoes.
13. i have one older brother. his name is randall and he's an actor. he lives in new york city and i love visiting him there!
14. i love children's books.
15. once, as a young child, when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i replied, "a microphone." i don't remember this incident, but was reminded of this comment quite frequently. i don't really know what this comment says about me.
16. i love middle school girls. especially the ones who get left out.
17. i love watching old sitcoms. one of my favorites is the cosby show, and i love watching old re-runs of it.
18. I think that the best movie i saw this year was Little Miss Sunshine-hilarious!
19. I waste time watching tv. namely-the office, grey's anatomy, and gilmore girls. this is probably not a great vice, but it happens.
20. i like to feel smart. this doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i get excited.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Let's be honest... we're all thinkin' it....
This was part of a prayer I heard the other day.
"Jesus, please help my grandmother to get some honeybuns today." --Timothy, 4 years old
"Jesus, please help my grandmother to get some honeybuns today." --Timothy, 4 years old
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Not a Quote... but still fun!
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME : (first pet and current street name) ---Isaiah North Lexington
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME : (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy) ---Evelyn Almond Joy
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME : (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name) ---M. Mid
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME : (favorite animal, favorite color) --- Dog purple
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME : (middle name, city where you were born) --- Dianna Nashville
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME : (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) --- Midkkimac
7. JEDI NAME : (middle name spelled backwards, your grandpa's name on your father's side spelled backwards) --- annaid trebor
8. SUPERHERO NAME : ("The," your favorite color, the automobile you drive or your parents drive) --- The purple escort
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME : (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy) ---Evelyn Almond Joy
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME : (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name) ---M. Mid
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME : (favorite animal, favorite color) --- Dog purple
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME : (middle name, city where you were born) --- Dianna Nashville
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME : (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) --- Midkkimac
7. JEDI NAME : (middle name spelled backwards, your grandpa's name on your father's side spelled backwards) --- annaid trebor
8. SUPERHERO NAME : ("The," your favorite color, the automobile you drive or your parents drive) --- The purple escort
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Sunday, April 30, 2006
The Journey
"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" -C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
Friday, April 21, 2006
Saturday, April 15, 2006
In honor of Lent...
"I've just gone through lent and now you're giving me another." --from the movie Brother Sun, Sister Moon
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Thursday, March 02, 2006
What does that even mean?
"I felt like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I just didn't know where to start first." --Dr. Steve Seamands
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Who Doesn't Love a Good Quote?!
I love good quotes. Especially ones that make me giggle. So for all you phrase-a-holics out there, this one's for you. And I'm a little embarrassed that I now have two blogs. Procrastination is a great thing.
Here is today's quote:
"Waiting for other people to change is like planning your future around winning the lottery." --Michael P. Nichols
Here is today's quote:
"Waiting for other people to change is like planning your future around winning the lottery." --Michael P. Nichols
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