Speaking Life

"To always be relevant, you must only say that which is eternal."

-Simone Weil

this makes me stop dead in my tracks.... i definitely say a lot that is not eternal.

Random Notes

it's been a good first couple weeks of school and settling into my new abode. i'm really exciting about living in the '05, and about being able to hang with some cool people. after the loneliness of the past year, this has been a breath of fresh air. we've already had people over a couple of times to play games, aaron comes over when he gets locked out of his house, and i feel like we've got a house full of warmth and love, and i'm excited about that.

i'm taking a class about forgiveness and counseling this semester-i think it'll be really good. and i also think that it will intersect with many areas of my life that i didn't really expect. on the first day of class, toddy tells us that we won't talk about self-forgiveness, because she doesn't see self-forgiveness mentioned in scripture, since that is a western ideal. this, of course, has gotten me thinking about a lot. and then i start reading.... about how forgiveness really should be a communal practice, but we've privatized it in the west. and if we really think about it, forgivenss is about the "restoration of communion." it's not about making me feel better about how i've hurt someone, but about restoring me to both God and community. there's something to chew on there, for sure. i think forgiveness is one of those words we throw around a lot, but i wonder if we really understand what it means? if we really know what is encapsulated in forgiving someone else? if we understand what it means that God forgives us? is it just a lofty, soft word...or is there power behind it?

we're going on a community retreat this saturday... i think it will be good. and tomorrow i'm cooking breakfast for ian and elizabeth so that we can talk about some crazy community ideas we have. i'm pretty pumped.

have you ever had a really great hug? i'm a hugger.... and i love to give and receive big, bear hugs. last night after church i saw my friend becky, who lives down the street from me. she got really excited when she saw me, and gave me one of those big, long-lasting, embracing hugs. it made me happy. there's something about a good hug... i think because you are both giving and receiving love all in the same moment. it's really kind of a beautiful thing. and it was just so affirming to see how much becky wanted to love on me... it's nice to have those moments some days.... right up there with little joe running down the church hallway yelling, "maggie! maggie!" with a huge smile on his face. i needed that (of course, as soon as he saw me, he says, "hey bad nanny!"...but i'll take what i can get).

so... i may not get any schoolwork done this semester, and perhaps i'll fail out of my third year of seminary.... but at least i'll be loved along the way.....

New Eyes

here i am. starting my third and (almost) final year of seminary. i can remember my first semester like it was yesterday.... questioning if i had made the right decision, wondering if i should go somewhere else...but not sure where, bursting into tears at the thought of seeing how i had done on an O'Malley Church History exam. and here i am now... feeling like i've somewhat found my place, feeling, again, like i'm on the edge of something. it's a cool, scary, overwhelming, funny feeling. to look back and see all that worried me, and to see where God has brought me. it's weird to look back sometimes, but necessary...and humbling. and now i'm here, telling others about seminary and ministry and life and community and all the rest... still learning... attempting to grow...praying through it all. sometimes a little perspective goes a long way.

New House

i've been in my new place for about a week, and we're still working on settling in, unpacking, all of that stuff. i can't tell you how much i love this house! but really... it's more than the house.

i love how God has worked all of this out. i love the roommates He has provided. I love being near so many cool people. i love the relationships i see unfolding. i love the fact that we had about 10 people over last night to play games. i love that i'm sitting in kim's house doing laundry right now. i love that it only takes me about 3 minutes to get to church. i love that some of the church kids are already coming over to bug me and see if i'm home. i love the relationships that are coming about because i'm in the neighborhood. i love this community i'm in... that i feel more loved and a "part" of something than i've felt in a while. i love that i'm among people who really want to love on me and encourage me. i love that God is showing me ways i can serve this community.

and another cool moment this week: there's this family that many other individuals have been pouring into for a while, and this family recently moved really close to where i'm living. i've spent a bit of time with the mom and kids, but not tons, but I really feel like God is doing something here. and i'm realizing, too, what a blessing this mom is to me. they are in need in a number of ways, but this woman has also blessed me by just loving me and showing me hospitality. the other night it's raining and thundering and apparently their power went out a couple of times. so she calls me to ask if we're ok, if our power had gone out, to check on us. how awesome is that?

Moving Day!

tomorrow is moving day! yay! this has felt like it's been a long time in coming, and as much as i don't like the packing, organizing, moving, etc... i'm ready to be in my new place! jessica came over and helped me get one load in her car, and then we hung out and talked about lots of different things, which was great. also, for any of you who may be helping, my soon to be old apartment kind of smells, due to an AC leak, and i apologize from the bottom of my heart. please forgive me, and thanks in advance for helping me. i'm ready to be in my new place, closer to the community there. i'm pumped.

speaking of community, last night we had our first dinner for those hoping to 'do' community in the '05. i thought it went well... we had some yummy steaks and good conversation. it was great to look around and feel like i was part of a family here. i'm excited about what is going to take place. i'm also really excited because today was my last day of work at the daycare center.... onto babysitting in the '05! hopefully i won't regret this decision later......

Sick List

I have been sick today... no fun! but it really is ok, because i've been reminded of all the things today that make being sick bearable. here's my list:

• ready-made progresso soup. i swear by these things. they are yummy, and i can eat them after not being able to eat for several hours. really, i'd be ok not eating right now, but i'm sort of weak, so i know i need to!
• people who are willing to bring me things-i called both beth and bekah and they brought me gatorade, saltines, and applesauce. these things are like a liferaft when your stomach just won't cooperate.
• getting a chance to rest. i know that being sick is not a great reason to rest, but apparently i needed something to get me to chill out. on that note, i've had time today to have some good catch-up conversations.
• breath mints and hot tea. did you know that breath mints help with nausea? it's true. i am never without them. and i don't drink hot tea a lot, but when you are woken at 5:30 in the morning by a violent tummy... i don't know of anything more comforting.

a couple other random notes: i move in less than a week! yay! i'm so pumped to be in my new place.

i saw the movie Jesus Camp on saturday night with peter, jackie, tawndee and jason. i will definitely be commenting on this viewing, because the level of disturbance it caused in my brain warrants an entry. but i'm still processing.

A Week in the Life of Maggie

My mind is a whirlwind these days! this is how it's been....

monday: go to work until 5. must finally go get something resembling groceries. go to lee and beth's to look at old things they don't want anymore. they have an ice cream maker that we can have, and that's pretty sweet.

tuesday: i plan on staying home to get packing done. however, meg calls to invite me to pray with their house, and seeing as how i've been wanting to pray with them for about a month (and because i seem to be completely unable to say no), i forefeit packing for the evening to go to lexington to pray. i'm glad i went. afterwards, i help rebecca get her car, then drive her car back. then i hang out for a few minutes with meg an jess, mostly because i don't want to go home.

wednesday: i work for 2 hours. then i go to a meeting about church planting where i have no idea what we're talking about, so i end up asking ridiculous questions, but am glad i'm there. then i go to church to pray. back to wilmore to work. back to lexington after work to hang out with the youth. later that night, i read an email from aaron about his thoughts on community. never ask me my thoughts on community if you don't want to hear a lot. so i write peter and aaron a book about all my thoughts, and now we have all these crazy ideas about doing community in the oh-5. crazy. between church planting and figuring out how to do life together and realizing that i need to move and start a new semester soon.... whoa! craziness. in the midst of this, i call chelsea to tell her she can live with us. and she seems very cool! i'm excited about this house of girls. it's gonna rock.

thursday: again, i think, "i'll have tonight to pack." i should just never plan anything. aaron calls me at 10 or so in the morning to ask if i can be at a meeting that night to talk about all our crazy plans for creating community. and i think, "i really need to be there." so i go. only, of course, after convincing him to change the meeting's location to coffee times. all is right with the world when coffee times is involved. i spend the rest of the day fighting off overhwhelming, swirling thoughts. again, glad i went to this meeting. i left feeling encouraged and excited about what we are trying to do. on the way home i realize i haven't seen my friend kathy in a really long time due mostly to moving and church stuff (and i still have a movie of hers), so i go visit her. she fed me watermelon, and then ginger came over. it was good. i then go home and try to be productive... i start working on a letter to some community members, and realize that my brain is a crazy place.

friday: work until 1. my sweet boss comes in and tells me i can leave early if i want, and i wanted. came home, took a nap, made phone calls, packed some stuff, called my mom. dinner later on 12th street.

tomorrow: i HAVE to pack my house. everything. must. get. done. please, someone call me to make sure i am doing this, because it's not done right now (and all before 4:30, because i'm going to the church picnic at 5!), and this place is not ready to go yet! =)

craziness. but in the best sense of that word.

And then there were three

it's official... we've found a third roommate! and one who is excited about hospitality and living life together.

it's like God planned this all out or something.

Random Notes of Interest

Random note #1:

I have been sad today, and i don't really know why. i tried to push myself into feeling ok all day, only to finalize with crying as i left the la roca community garden. and i feel silly. i'm sure there are multiple reasons for my heavy heart. but it's amazing what a visit from a friend can do at 11:00 at night. samantha webb rocks, plain and simple.

Random note #2:

we may have found a 3rd roommate (and maybe even a fourth!), and i'm so excited! if this works out, the little blue house on Highland Park will be the place to be.

Random note #3:

Having to wait 2 weeks to move is going to be a very difficult task! i definitely want to be living on Highland Park Drive right now. But patience is a virtue, i'm told, as is packing my belongings and cleaning my current house....i also realize that "finishing well" is as important as taking a first step of faith. i think it's definitely a lot harder. excitement can be troublesome sometimes.

Random note #4:

i had a crazy busy weekend. dinner with some fun folks on 12th street, measuring my new bedroom door (only to find that my beloved desk will not fit...sad!), pestering aaron, lunch with the jackster, shopping with a neighbor, church today, lunch with jackie and peter and kim, helping at the garden. whew! but it was good. it was nice to feel a part of my new soon-to-be home!

Packing Books

i'm in a mood tonight. and not a good one. not sure why. maybe it's that i am dreading going to work tomorrow. or maybe i am tired. or overwhelmed. or maybe it's because i'm at that beginning stage of packing where i've gotten just enough done to feel slightly daunted by the task, and i realize it may be a lot easier and perhaps even more productive to accidentally start a fire in my apartment. however, after 2 weeks of staring at the disaster that is my apartment and dreading the thought of this process of packing, I have begun. I packed my first three boxes tonight. I started with the books... i realize that's always the easiest place to begin, and it really helps set the tone for the ever-dreaded task of loading up all my earthly possessions (and realizing how many unnecessary things i have), and propels me towards greater motivation. i can say i've been productive this evening, and that's a pretty nice feeling. it's funny, though, packing books. i love books. i like the thought of so many words, ideas, stories, thoughts in something i can hold in my hand. But will i really read these books again? why do i keep them? yet something keeps me from parting with them. staring at my books also reminds me of the many different parts of my life and personality, and maybe that's why i keep them. they're sort of representative of me, and they remind me in a weird way of who i am, where i've been, and where i'd like to someday go.

Into the Garden

The church I go to has started this community garden, and it's a very cool thing. La Roca is in the middle of downtown Lexington, and so i think it's pretty significant that certain people have had the vision to produce life in the midst of noise, cars and overly accessible junkfood. What an incredible sign of life and goodness!

This garden was started a few months ago, and i always thought it seemed like a cool idea. However, I'm a slacker. I hadn't even seen the garden until last week when i went to help pick some beans. For the past two Sunday nights, i've had the honor of getting to help pick beans, tomatoes, peppers, and okra. And it's been such a great experience to get sweaty, get my hands dirty, and to fellowship with other church members while working on this crazy little garden. And I've met people for the first time that i've gone to church with for almost two years now.

This has all caused me to think about the significance of this simple (yet very profound) project. Fellowship is being built as we work alongside each other. New life is being produced. Healthy food is being provided. These, to me, seem like intrinsically Biblical values, and it's exciting to see them getting played out every week. Of course, these are just a few of the positive things happening as a result of this garden... i know that there are so many more.

More than anything else, I realized last night how grateful I am that I go to a church that is investing its resources in things like planting gardens instead of spending money on a building. Getting our hands dirty together instead starting a new program. Working alongside our neighbors instead of pushing them aside. Our perceptions of 'church' have the tendency to get very skewed, and i'm realizing that this is what it's about. producing life-particularly where there was once death. La Roca is certainly far from perfect, but i love that i am part of a body of believers seeking out creative ways of embracing and loving people.

And i get the feeling that God is in the midst of doing some big, big things.

Child of God or Child of the pigs?

The great thing about having a 3-month break from school is that I don't feel the need to rush through books that I am reading. I have been taking a long time to read through Return of the Prodigal Son, which is nothing short of bliss. I firmly believe it is one of the world's great tragedies to ever rush through anything Henri Nouwen had to say. With that said, here's a quote for your reading pleasure this bright Saturday morning:

"The younger son's return takes place in the very moment that he reclaims his sonship, even though he has lost all the dignity that belongs to it. In fact, it was the loss of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. He hit the bedrock of his sonship. In retrospect, it seems that the prodigal had to lose everything to come into touch with the ground of his being. When he found himself desiring to be treated as one of the pigs, he realized that he was not a pig but a human being, a son of his father. This realization became the basis for his choice to live instead of to die. Once he had come again in touch with the truth of his sonship, he could hear-although faintly-the voice calling him the Beloved and feel-although distantly-the touch of blessing."

In diving deep into the story of the prodigal son, Henri Nouwen talks about the younger son's return and his willingness to be treated as one of the pigs, if only that could bring him into his father's presence. However, the father would never allow this.... he celebrates, he lavishes, he welcomes the son home with open, loving, strong embrace. Why? because the son is his child. It makes me think of all the times and of all the ways that I only allow myself to be treated as good as something less than a daughter of God. But that is indeed who i am-a daughter of God! I'm reminded that forgiveness is ALWAYS there to be received, but we must be willing to receive it. God longs to celebrate with us, hold us, party with us, remind us of our worth. But something has happened. We tend to say that this forgiveness certainly can't be true, and so we imprison ourselves in holding onto shame and guilt, thinking we're only as good as the pigs. God's not the one imprisoning us-He is freeing us.

It's been good this week to remember this-that God has good planned for His children. I think i've lived most of life believing that for something to be right, it has to be hard. And sometimes that might be true... but God also has joy in mind for His church! God longs for us to lavish in His presence, to enjoy the fellowship of all of His children. God has good planned, and yesterday was a great reminder of that. I can choose to live as less than a child of God, or I can choose to rise from sin and accept forgiveness and walk with God, and remember that before anything else...I am a child of God.

God is providing for me right now in so many clear and amazing ways. It is so easy to think, "no. i don't deserve this. this can't be right." and i don't deserve it, yet i am so loved in spite of that! And so-i am living in gratitude for: a new house (by the way, one with a PORCH!!), a roommate, a great community around me, people who encourage me, a church that is far from perfect but is certainly trying, God's grace and provision, ministry opportunities.

Late Night Confessions

It is 1:00 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. In fact, I've had trouble sleeping all week. I sometimes have weeks like this, and it stinks because I go through my day exhausted. Last night it was mostly due to the fact that there were three college age guys who decided, at about 11 at night, to stand in the parking lot of my apartment building (just below my bedroom window), and play guitar, drink beer, and talk in not-so-quiet voices. If i had any confidence, I would have gone out there and asked them to be quiet. but i'm a wimp, so i stayed up and stayed annoyed. and now i sound like an old woman. but i digress.

the real reason for my insomnia. life is changing before my very eyes, and it's causing many unsettling thoughts. i am moving in a month. i realize this shouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's big inside my head (and yes, i tend to overreact, but surely that is no suprise to anyone who knows me!). there are several reasons this is big. i am no stranger to moving to new abodes... this will be my fourth place since i've moved to kentucky, which was not even two years ago. however, this move is of significance for a few reasons. one, it's the first time i have had to find a place, sign a lease, make decisions, ask wise questions. i realize this is ridiculous since i'm 29, but i've just always had the good fortune to move in with others. learning how to be an adult stinks sometimes.

another reason this is slightly overwhelming me. i'm not just living somewhere to live. i'm moving to this particular locale in order to attempt to engage with the neighborhood and with folks from the church who already live there, some of whom i have a great deal of respect for. and i realize that this scares me. what if i disappoint them? i know that they love me now, but will they still love me when they see the real me? sometimes i feel like the real me is not that great... let's face it... i can be lazy, seflish, and i pick who i want to love. i realized tonight my fears of really allowing others to see the not-so-great parts of my personality. There are people who are extremely excited about me moving into this neighborhood, and i've realized that i don't understand why. i don't feel like i have a lot to give. i feel like i fake it sometimes....

and maybe that's why this move is a really great thing. maybe it's that i need to really understand that there are people who love me for all the parts of me, good and bad. and that i need to understand that God loves all those parts of me.

It reminds me of what Henri Nouwen talks about in Return of the Prodigal Son. He proposes that when we do not understand our Belovedness, when we do not understand that we are completely loved by and cherished by God, we act in certain ways. I'm realizing that for me, it's a whole lot of fear. Fear that people will leave or will be disappointed when they see the real me.

I tend to beat myself up for not intrinsically being who I want to be. For needing to be around others in order to feel motivated to serve, to love, to produce. Sometimes that feels like i am doing things only for others, but maybe it's also about others encouraging us to be the best versions of ourselves.

Movin' on up

so... it's official. I signed a lease for a house today in lexington, not far from my church. For several months I've been thinking about moving to lex-vegas, and i finally did it today! i've been really nervous about this move for some reason, but i'm excited. i love the house, it's in a cool neighborhood, and i'll live near some pretty awesome people. well, maybe except for my pastor aaron. i think i'll have to keep him in line... good thing we'll live on the same street and i can straighten him out.

i'm excited... i think this will be a great thing, and a long time in coming. And more than anything else, i really see God's hand in all of this, which is scary and encouraging all at the same time.

Question Marks and Prayers for Healing

It's been somewhat of a trying week....

• stressful week with the kiddos
• lots of tiredness on my part
• feeling overwhelmed by one too many unknowns
• feeling like i am in a whirlwind
• needing car repairs

yet, somehow, in the midst of it all God has worked. Things still do not make sense. I am still confused, overwhelmed... but I am reminded of God's presence. And that's really all we can do sometimes. And after a much-needed breakdown on Wednesday night, I felt at least a little bit of peace, and even found myself in the position to get to encourage a couple other friends... which I was so thankful for.

And in the middle of this, I've been thinking about what it means to be truly healed. My pastor and I (a genuinely awesome guy who is probably the most accessible pastor i've ever had the privilege to be around) have had some email conversations about that this week. His wife died about 2 months ago, so it was interesting to get his take on the subject. He basically ended the conversation by saying, "maybe it's all a matter of perseverence. Because if we are healed from what we are wanting healing from, there's just something else waiting around the corner, because life is hard." And it's so true. Maybe it's not just a matter of asking for healing from something, but for God's grace within whatever life throws our way.

So...even in the midst of a somewhat frustrating week, I can still say that God is. And i can say that God loves me... maybe even likes me.

Remembering to Remember

I have been reminded this week, in a few different ways, of the power of memory-of the power of remembering and honoring. A good friend of mine sent me an email a few days ago about how she needed to "remember" God. She needed to remember that He is present, active, faithful. That in itself led me down a path of reflecting on the story of the Exodus: after the Israelites were miraculously delivered from their oppression, they had to be reminded to remember. They had to be reminded that God was faithful, alive, and with them. From a completely objective point of view, one would think that this would be a no-brainer. Of course God was faithful... He showed up in some pretty miraculous ways! But they still forgot. They complained. They wanted more than God's provision for them. And over and over in Exodus we see, "Remember God's Faithfulness."

And then today in Sunday School, we talked about this again. We are about to start a trek through the book of Deuteronomy (which I have never read in its entirety) and this is also an apparent theme. Remember. Remember. Remember God. Remember His faithfulness. Remember that He loves you. Remember that you are His child. Peter, who teaches our class, encouraged us to also remember our own journeys of faith as we read this book. Remember.

There is power in being able to remember. There is power in being able to take a step back, especially when the details of life are overwhelming...when the freshness of a relationship with the Father seems mundane....when what is apparent and obvious is pain. Remember God. Remember that I am loved and beloved. In remembering what is true, I can shift my thinking-reminding myself that I belong to the Creator, the King of Kings, YWHW, Jehovah. It is easy to think that I don't belong to him... which is why I must stop to remember.

I am reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen... a book that is all about living into our Divine belovedness. Today I am reminded to remember that I am a child of God, and that in truly understanding that truth changes my posture... changes how I live, how I treat myself, and how I treat others. Remembering and understanding who I belong to and how much He loves me allows me to enter into light and joy. Understanding and remembering takes me into the arms of the Father and trusting in a way that far surpasses any that I could conjure up in my own head. Understanding and remembering carries me from walking slumped over in shame to walking in confidence with my heavenly Father. I'll be honest--this is difficult to remember most days... which is why I guess God is into object lessons.

I often feel guilty for not remembering-for trusting myself and the opinions of others far more than I trust God. But I guess God knows this our tendency, since we are reminded to remember over and over again. And I guess this is why God wants us to worship together... to celebrate Holy Communion together....to remind each other to remember.

Summer Goodness...

In the past few days, I have...

• Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge.
• Driven in Manhattan.
• Been on the Staten Island Ferry at Sunset.
• Eaten one of the best cheeseburgers i have ever had. ever.
• Eaten a bowl full of cheeries. A couple of them actually.
• Seen the ocean.
• Driven from Brooklyn, New York to Wilmore, Kentucky in one day.
• Had incredible conversations with my brother about life, family, and God.
• Been enormously grateful for fun family times.

Can I help?

Working with kids all day can be a funny experience. This is not really new for me-I've been working with kids since I was in high school, but I find that my interactions with them have the ability to be humorous, frustrating, profound. What I've realized this summer is that many of the things I tell the kids I really need to tell myself. It's been interesting to hear these words come out of my mouth and to realize, 'wow. i need to remember this.'

Yesterday I was attempting to give the kids a snack, and this is normally a pretty tumultuous time. This time happens not long after they've gotten up from their nap, and a few of them just do not wake up well (i can relate to that... maggie in the mornings is not a fun sight), especially because a few of them are there for long days, and they are just really tired. What I often do during this time is let one of the kids be my helper. This is a privilege for the kids, one that is worth fighting over. One that is worth shedding tears over. This got me thinking....when do we make the move from the helper as one of privilege to something of a chore? When does it become a burden to help someone else?

It also led me into thoughts of how God designed us. It seems like maybe God wants us to view being a servant in His kingdom, being His 'helper' as something of a privilege to get very excited about. God's pretty big and powerful.... He can do anything He wants.... does He really need us? I don't need the kids to help me.... but it's fun to watch them get excited about being helpful. I don't know if God needs us or not, but it certainly seems like He really wants us to serve Him, and that it delights Him when we get excited about walking with Him and attempting to help His purposes along. It is usually very likely that when the kids help me, something will get spilled or some mess will get made. And i'll be right behind them to clean up whatever mess has been made. And i'm reminded that God doesn't need my perfection, He just wants my willingness, because He knows a mess will be made, and He'll help me clean it up.

Today

i often have lots of deep, profound things to post about that will no doubt win me the love and affection of all who read what i have to say, but by the time I get around to sitting down and summing up all i have to say, I can't remember what those life-changing thoughts were. So... as usual...no life-changing thoughts for today. I deeply apologize to any I may have disappointed. Instead, I shall share how I have been spending my summer days thus far:

• I have been working at the Wilmore Day Care Center. I am the teacher for the 4 and 5 year olds. Most days, I like it. Some days, my frustration level is a little higher than I am proud of, but I really like my kiddos. they're fun. and they say lots of funny things. and i have a really awesome boss who is more than gracious with me.
• I have been reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. You must read this book. Many of the life-changing thoughts that are currently in my head are a result of reading this book. I may write something later after i've processed it all.... but it is wonderful.
• I am really glad that I'm not taking classes right now and have adequate time to read and process aforementioned book.
• I have to move out of my apartment in August. I have absolutely no clue where i am going to live. This is probably something I should start thinking about soon.
• I am going to new york city next weekend and i am puuuuumped! yay! yay! i believe that new york city is one of the greatest places on this earth. to add to it's inherent greatness, the one and only randall middleton (older brother of yours truly) lives there. yay for vacations!
• I have attempted to go fishing the past two weekends with my friend samantha, and have failed both times. I even bought my very first fishing pole for the occassion, and it sits unused, and I am sad. Thus, my goal before summer's end is to go fishing. Not necessarily to catch any fish, but i would really love to put my feet in the water and hold said fishing pole. If I happen to catch any fish, that will be an added bonus.
• I have done about 10 things today that I feel really stupid about. These aren't bad/sinful things.... Just really awkward things i've done... and i feel extremely foolish at the moment, and i keep dwelling on them.
• Things I am thankful for today: iced hot chocolate (from Coffee Times!), gift cards from Coffee Times, really great friends, hugs, getting a short vacation in the middle of the summer, thoughtful people, God's provision, sitting on a friend's porch, long drives with friends who "get you," hope, new insights, God's presence, Sunday afternoon naps.

Snippets

Just some random happenings and thoughts from the past couple of weeks....

I have been busy in some unanticipated but joyful ways. My mom and stepdad came in town to help me celebrate the big 2-9. It was a very baseball weekend... we went to the Louisville Slugger Museum, and then went to a Lexington Legends game. Baseball is one of the things my whole family likes to enjoy together, so it was good fun. I guess that's where my love of the St. Louis Cardinals comes from.... it's my family language. =) I've also been busy with other happy things.... spending time with friends, La Roca youth trip to Mammoth Cave, helping Mission Year out at Icthus, seeing out of town friends.

I'm not taking classes this summer... just working, which is so nice. It's wonderful to feel the freedom to spend time with people without feeling the pressure of schoolwork. I've also realized in myself an overwhelming desire to do summery things.... putting my feet in the sand, barbeques, swimming, feeling the sun on my face, enjoying great conversations while i play and take in all the kentucky-ness around me.

It's also been a great few weeks to do some self-reflection.... I have realized how much I crave validation of definition from other people... and so now i am doing the hard work of trying to not care what others think of me. I am also trying to find the balance between not caring about the opinions of others, but also caring for those around me.

I also still really want a porch. and i want to go to the beach. soon.

the end.