Movin' on up

so... it's official. I signed a lease for a house today in lexington, not far from my church. For several months I've been thinking about moving to lex-vegas, and i finally did it today! i've been really nervous about this move for some reason, but i'm excited. i love the house, it's in a cool neighborhood, and i'll live near some pretty awesome people. well, maybe except for my pastor aaron. i think i'll have to keep him in line... good thing we'll live on the same street and i can straighten him out.

i'm excited... i think this will be a great thing, and a long time in coming. And more than anything else, i really see God's hand in all of this, which is scary and encouraging all at the same time.

Question Marks and Prayers for Healing

It's been somewhat of a trying week....

• stressful week with the kiddos
• lots of tiredness on my part
• feeling overwhelmed by one too many unknowns
• feeling like i am in a whirlwind
• needing car repairs

yet, somehow, in the midst of it all God has worked. Things still do not make sense. I am still confused, overwhelmed... but I am reminded of God's presence. And that's really all we can do sometimes. And after a much-needed breakdown on Wednesday night, I felt at least a little bit of peace, and even found myself in the position to get to encourage a couple other friends... which I was so thankful for.

And in the middle of this, I've been thinking about what it means to be truly healed. My pastor and I (a genuinely awesome guy who is probably the most accessible pastor i've ever had the privilege to be around) have had some email conversations about that this week. His wife died about 2 months ago, so it was interesting to get his take on the subject. He basically ended the conversation by saying, "maybe it's all a matter of perseverence. Because if we are healed from what we are wanting healing from, there's just something else waiting around the corner, because life is hard." And it's so true. Maybe it's not just a matter of asking for healing from something, but for God's grace within whatever life throws our way.

So...even in the midst of a somewhat frustrating week, I can still say that God is. And i can say that God loves me... maybe even likes me.

Remembering to Remember

I have been reminded this week, in a few different ways, of the power of memory-of the power of remembering and honoring. A good friend of mine sent me an email a few days ago about how she needed to "remember" God. She needed to remember that He is present, active, faithful. That in itself led me down a path of reflecting on the story of the Exodus: after the Israelites were miraculously delivered from their oppression, they had to be reminded to remember. They had to be reminded that God was faithful, alive, and with them. From a completely objective point of view, one would think that this would be a no-brainer. Of course God was faithful... He showed up in some pretty miraculous ways! But they still forgot. They complained. They wanted more than God's provision for them. And over and over in Exodus we see, "Remember God's Faithfulness."

And then today in Sunday School, we talked about this again. We are about to start a trek through the book of Deuteronomy (which I have never read in its entirety) and this is also an apparent theme. Remember. Remember. Remember God. Remember His faithfulness. Remember that He loves you. Remember that you are His child. Peter, who teaches our class, encouraged us to also remember our own journeys of faith as we read this book. Remember.

There is power in being able to remember. There is power in being able to take a step back, especially when the details of life are overwhelming...when the freshness of a relationship with the Father seems mundane....when what is apparent and obvious is pain. Remember God. Remember that I am loved and beloved. In remembering what is true, I can shift my thinking-reminding myself that I belong to the Creator, the King of Kings, YWHW, Jehovah. It is easy to think that I don't belong to him... which is why I must stop to remember.

I am reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen... a book that is all about living into our Divine belovedness. Today I am reminded to remember that I am a child of God, and that in truly understanding that truth changes my posture... changes how I live, how I treat myself, and how I treat others. Remembering and understanding who I belong to and how much He loves me allows me to enter into light and joy. Understanding and remembering takes me into the arms of the Father and trusting in a way that far surpasses any that I could conjure up in my own head. Understanding and remembering carries me from walking slumped over in shame to walking in confidence with my heavenly Father. I'll be honest--this is difficult to remember most days... which is why I guess God is into object lessons.

I often feel guilty for not remembering-for trusting myself and the opinions of others far more than I trust God. But I guess God knows this our tendency, since we are reminded to remember over and over again. And I guess this is why God wants us to worship together... to celebrate Holy Communion together....to remind each other to remember.

Summer Goodness...

In the past few days, I have...

• Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge.
• Driven in Manhattan.
• Been on the Staten Island Ferry at Sunset.
• Eaten one of the best cheeseburgers i have ever had. ever.
• Eaten a bowl full of cheeries. A couple of them actually.
• Seen the ocean.
• Driven from Brooklyn, New York to Wilmore, Kentucky in one day.
• Had incredible conversations with my brother about life, family, and God.
• Been enormously grateful for fun family times.

Can I help?

Working with kids all day can be a funny experience. This is not really new for me-I've been working with kids since I was in high school, but I find that my interactions with them have the ability to be humorous, frustrating, profound. What I've realized this summer is that many of the things I tell the kids I really need to tell myself. It's been interesting to hear these words come out of my mouth and to realize, 'wow. i need to remember this.'

Yesterday I was attempting to give the kids a snack, and this is normally a pretty tumultuous time. This time happens not long after they've gotten up from their nap, and a few of them just do not wake up well (i can relate to that... maggie in the mornings is not a fun sight), especially because a few of them are there for long days, and they are just really tired. What I often do during this time is let one of the kids be my helper. This is a privilege for the kids, one that is worth fighting over. One that is worth shedding tears over. This got me thinking....when do we make the move from the helper as one of privilege to something of a chore? When does it become a burden to help someone else?

It also led me into thoughts of how God designed us. It seems like maybe God wants us to view being a servant in His kingdom, being His 'helper' as something of a privilege to get very excited about. God's pretty big and powerful.... He can do anything He wants.... does He really need us? I don't need the kids to help me.... but it's fun to watch them get excited about being helpful. I don't know if God needs us or not, but it certainly seems like He really wants us to serve Him, and that it delights Him when we get excited about walking with Him and attempting to help His purposes along. It is usually very likely that when the kids help me, something will get spilled or some mess will get made. And i'll be right behind them to clean up whatever mess has been made. And i'm reminded that God doesn't need my perfection, He just wants my willingness, because He knows a mess will be made, and He'll help me clean it up.

Today

i often have lots of deep, profound things to post about that will no doubt win me the love and affection of all who read what i have to say, but by the time I get around to sitting down and summing up all i have to say, I can't remember what those life-changing thoughts were. So... as usual...no life-changing thoughts for today. I deeply apologize to any I may have disappointed. Instead, I shall share how I have been spending my summer days thus far:

• I have been working at the Wilmore Day Care Center. I am the teacher for the 4 and 5 year olds. Most days, I like it. Some days, my frustration level is a little higher than I am proud of, but I really like my kiddos. they're fun. and they say lots of funny things. and i have a really awesome boss who is more than gracious with me.
• I have been reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. You must read this book. Many of the life-changing thoughts that are currently in my head are a result of reading this book. I may write something later after i've processed it all.... but it is wonderful.
• I am really glad that I'm not taking classes right now and have adequate time to read and process aforementioned book.
• I have to move out of my apartment in August. I have absolutely no clue where i am going to live. This is probably something I should start thinking about soon.
• I am going to new york city next weekend and i am puuuuumped! yay! yay! i believe that new york city is one of the greatest places on this earth. to add to it's inherent greatness, the one and only randall middleton (older brother of yours truly) lives there. yay for vacations!
• I have attempted to go fishing the past two weekends with my friend samantha, and have failed both times. I even bought my very first fishing pole for the occassion, and it sits unused, and I am sad. Thus, my goal before summer's end is to go fishing. Not necessarily to catch any fish, but i would really love to put my feet in the water and hold said fishing pole. If I happen to catch any fish, that will be an added bonus.
• I have done about 10 things today that I feel really stupid about. These aren't bad/sinful things.... Just really awkward things i've done... and i feel extremely foolish at the moment, and i keep dwelling on them.
• Things I am thankful for today: iced hot chocolate (from Coffee Times!), gift cards from Coffee Times, really great friends, hugs, getting a short vacation in the middle of the summer, thoughtful people, God's provision, sitting on a friend's porch, long drives with friends who "get you," hope, new insights, God's presence, Sunday afternoon naps.

Snippets

Just some random happenings and thoughts from the past couple of weeks....

I have been busy in some unanticipated but joyful ways. My mom and stepdad came in town to help me celebrate the big 2-9. It was a very baseball weekend... we went to the Louisville Slugger Museum, and then went to a Lexington Legends game. Baseball is one of the things my whole family likes to enjoy together, so it was good fun. I guess that's where my love of the St. Louis Cardinals comes from.... it's my family language. =) I've also been busy with other happy things.... spending time with friends, La Roca youth trip to Mammoth Cave, helping Mission Year out at Icthus, seeing out of town friends.

I'm not taking classes this summer... just working, which is so nice. It's wonderful to feel the freedom to spend time with people without feeling the pressure of schoolwork. I've also realized in myself an overwhelming desire to do summery things.... putting my feet in the sand, barbeques, swimming, feeling the sun on my face, enjoying great conversations while i play and take in all the kentucky-ness around me.

It's also been a great few weeks to do some self-reflection.... I have realized how much I crave validation of definition from other people... and so now i am doing the hard work of trying to not care what others think of me. I am also trying to find the balance between not caring about the opinions of others, but also caring for those around me.

I also still really want a porch. and i want to go to the beach. soon.

the end.

The Good Kind of Tired

I'm sort of tired. But it's a good thing. I'm tired because I've spent the weekend helping my friend Jackie get married off to Peter. For many reasons, I don't know that I can think of a better way to use my time or a reason to complain about being tired. It was worth it. Basically... because I really love these friends of mine, and am so grateful that I get to be a part of their lives.

Many of you who read this know Peter and Jackie, and know how great they are, so hopefully this won't be a cheesy post. But in many ways, they've just really been a means of grace in my life, and I can say with certainty that God put these two crazy kids in my life, and it's been incredible to see how my friendship with Jackie in particular has grown. She does a great job of loving on me, accepting me, and reminding me of the things that I often like to forget. In a lot of ways, she has become like a sister to me, and I find myself saying thanks to God for her most days. She also lets me share in her life, and I love it! And Peter's just good fun, as well as an exceptional teacher. I've never known Peter and Jackie apart-I met them when they had already been dating about a year or so. And what can I say? They belong together.

Why am I rambling about them? I am rambling because I felt like I got to be a part of something truly special and meaningful this weekend. I cried as Jackie walked down the aisle, and not because I normally cry at weddings (which I don't). I cried because I have been given the enormous privilege of walking with her through life over the past year and a half, through a lot of hard times and some good ones. And to get to finally see her on that walk down the aisle... something we've talked about a LOT... it was so beautiful to me. I just kept thinking, "wow. these are two amazing people. and i get to share life with them. and i get to share this moment with them."

I am tired and drained and exhausted, but I wouldn't have traded this weekend for anything. It was a beautiful thing to get to serve jackie and peter in small ways and to just be able to love them in a fraction of the way that they have loved me.

I guess that's part of what community is. getting to share in the happy and sad moments, and finding ways to serve each other. it's about really, truly understanding that we are brothers and sisters, and finding ways to love on each other. having this weekend has reminded me of how many ways in which God loves me through His redemption, His sacrifice, His provision and His community.

So here's to you Peter and Jackie... you guys rock.

Summer is on its way

one paper, one test, and one short presentation to go before the end of the semester. whew! yay! and i am not taking classes this summer, so i am very much looking forward to a class-free few months! i am also looking very much forward to reading some non-seminary books. i already have a couple of ideas of things to read, but am up for other ideas...i'd love to hear your best fun-summer-reading ideas.

Confusion and Chaos

It's been a crazy week or two, filled with whirling, crazy thoughts, and there is lots to figure out. When i have times like these, i often remember these words:

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, through I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
-Thomas Merton, from Thoughts in Solitude

sometimes i don't have words of my own to describe my state of mind, where i am, or where i would like to be. i'm so thankful that God works in all of us so that we can give each other words.

Resurrection Power

Warning: this may seem like a morbid post, but that is not my intention.

I have been thinking a lot about death today. This morning, a good friend from Atlanta sent me a text message to let me know her father had just passed away. I was so sad for Jamie, and all i could do was cry for a few minutes as I thought about Jamie's dad passing from this world to the next. I thought about Jamie trying to take care of her now widowed mom, and thinking of all her memories of her father. I thought about wanting to give Jamie a big hug right now, knowing that there is nothing I can do to take away the pain, but just wanting to be present.

Later today, I found out that a player from my beloved St. Louis Cardinals was killed in a car accident last night. This guy was my age and a relief pitcher for the Cards. It made me think... about a lot. I've thought a lot today about the rest of his teammates and the sadness they must feel, and the fact that tomorrow (or maybe the day after) they have to get back to business and play a game. I've thought about his family and the unbearable grief they must be feeling at losing a son so young. and it makes me sad.

These two scenarios are, of course, followed by the tragedy at Virginia Tech which has no doubt saddened many of us. Death is always sad, but untimely deaths do something to us. They shake us up... make us think about life.... get us on edge. It's not normal... death is not supposed to happen like this.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this, but in the midst of thinking about these things, I've been thinking about certain parts of me that need to "die," and as a result I've been thinking about what it means to "die to oneself." I've been remorseful tonight over some areas of my life I'm not incredibly proud of. But I am reminded that sometimes, some parts of a being must die before true life can take over, and even though I am tempted to berate myself for these things, all i can do is give God this yuckiness and trust that Jesus has victory over this sin, and there is no reason for me to live in it any longer!

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life."
-John 5:24

As i think about death... even these extremely sad, untimely deaths, I try to wrap my mind around this... because of the resurrection, we have passed over from death to life. Christ has had victory over sadness, sin, death....it boggles my mind when i think about it.... fills me to the point of overwhelming gratitude!

A Balancing Act

i am skipping out on class today because I am not feeling so hot. I am kind of sad that i am feeling like this on a Thursday, because I really do enjoy this class. sad. =(

but perhaps it's a good thing... maybe it will give me some time to rest, think, process, chill, be. The past week has been filled with the newness of possibilities, and my mind is in overdrive because of it. I have before me a potentially exciting opportunity, and it is so tempting to think of all that could go wrong. It is tempting to think that I will fail and disappoint all those around me. It is tempting to think that I have to plan every moment of this possiblity now.

this, of course, leaves no room for the magnitude and the extravagance of God's plans. I was expressing my fears and thoughts about all this to someone the other day, and he just said, "just go for it. just show up." what a freeing thought. the reality is... this thing is out of my hands at the moment. i have done what i can do for now, and just need to trust. trust. trust.

we've talked in my sunday school class a few times about the need to "participate" with God. So where is the balance? where's the balance between trusting God for all that He will and is able to do and our part in walking with Christ? What is my role? Balance is hard for me, as I think it is for most people. I tend to go to an extreme... I either blindly do nothing, and assume it will all work out (while doing nothing) or i worry, worry, worry. where is this balance?

maybe it's a simple matter of obedience.... waiting on God, and in the meantime treating people with love and respect... treating them as Christ would treat them---responding to injustices---praying---trying to draw close to my Creator---trusting the greatness of the plans that He's got, and knowing that these plans are not just for me. Any plan that God has for me, is not just for me. It's for the Kingdom. so until then... i am trusting, and hopefully learning how to treat others with at least a little respect and dignity.

Technology.... just not my thing...

I will write a real post later. However, this post is to share my excitement over the fact that I have had this blog for at least a year now and I have just now figured out how to add a picture and links to other blogs. Part of me feels a little on the stupid side, and the other part feels like i just a finished a really hard paper. Hope you all enjoy the new layout.... the polka dots were starting to get to me.

Hey you-thanks!

i've been wanting to write something on the importance of gratitude and thankfulness for a few days now. no, i am not going to list what i am thankful for. no, i am not going to merely suggest that it's a good idea to be thankful.

my friend peter teaches the sunday school class i go to each week. and each week we start prayer with just listing our "thanks." there's something profound about saying thanks to God and to others in a communal setting that draws us close to the Father... there is something there that reminds us that we are His, that we are taken care of when we are reminded of all that He has done for us.

over the past year, i have mulled over the phrase "giving control to God." and i realize that i have absolutely no idea how to do this, and most days, even what this means. we like to say it a lot. but really, what does this mean? what does it mean to give control to One i cannot see, while i still need to live my life, make decisions, pay bills, and be proactive in loving people? what does it mean to be humble before the Creator of the universe and allow Him to take control of my life? what does it mean to truly live in a Christ-centered community with my brothers and sisters? i want to suggest that true, genuine gratitude is at the heart of it.

i have been reminded this week of a few things about gratitude. first, true thankfulness is at the heart of humility. if i am genuinely thanking you for doing something for me, i am admitting that i have not done it myself, or was not able to do it myself. i am confessing that i have received something outside of my control. in a way, i am reliquishing my dependency upon myself. thanksgiving leads to the willingness to be humble. living in gratitude reminds me of what i have been given, and that i did not do it for myself. and when i'm not thankful, when i'm arrogant and living in a posture of demanding to be taken care of, i am much more likely to live into pride and a host of other sins.

second, i'd like to suggest that to truly be thankful is also related to doing and being in the center of God's will. There's a verse (1 Thess. 5:18) that says, "Give thanks continually, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." i'm realizing more and more that i wonder and stress out over which decision is right and "God's will." maybe it's not necessarily a matter of which job to take or which road to go down-but it's about me being in a posture of genuine gratitude. It's a matter of me acknowledging that all good things come from above (and not my own doing!) and living a life that reflects my dependence on my Creator and living in awe and thankfulness for what He alone can do.

back to that first thought about the trouble of understanding how to give God control.... if i understand that all things come from Him, and I am able to live in thankfulness for all that He has blessed me with, then I am able to be much more free to relinquish control. I am able to remember in my mind and heart that His plan is intrinsically good and i can trust that. I am able to give myself over to Him. as simplistic as this sounds, it starts with giving thanks! Giving thanks is about giving up myself.

i believe understanding this will change how i see other people and everything that has been created by God, and how i understand this life. it seems so simple... yet this is our calling: to remember that God is the source, and that He is good.

Thought-flow

Musings of the week:

-i have discovered that i despise terms like 'evangelizing,' 'witnessing,' 'accepting Christ,' etc. Perhaps that makes me a bad Christian, and I am ok with that label. Instead of having a strategy to evangelize and change people, i think i would rather just invite people to follow Jesus... I would rather invite them to the feast prepared for us by our Heavenly Father. I'm already selfish enough... i really don't have a need to keep God for myself (as i accept Him for myself... i really think He wants to be shared with all the people He created).

-i am finding that in the recent days of gorgeous Kentucky weather, I would do just about anything to live in a place with a great porch. oh, how i long for this.

-There is great, deep and profound power in invitation. When we invite others to join us... for anything, we are reminding them that we delight in their presence and that we long to be with them. We are able to affirm them by saying, "i see good in you. so much so that i want to be with you." Do I delight in the presence of others in the same way that God delights in me? Do I understand how God delights in me and in my presence?

-i realize that it's quite easy to mourn over the things that i don't have, and forget all that i do have. but i do have so much.... i am so thankful today for the beautiful women in my lifegroup, for beautiful weather, for God's provision, for silly middle school girls, for the beauty of simplicity, for laughter, for babies, for friends who care, for the power of those who welcome me in, for cleansing tears, for redemption, for self-reflection and self-awareness, for hope.

-finally, i read this passage today and it was particularly meaningful to me:

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain.
I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me.
-Psalm 3:3-5

Journaling about Journaling

I should be doing homework right now. What homework, you ask? well, in all reality the two people who read this probably aren't asking that, but i shall tell you anyway. All i have to do is write 2 journal entries for my discipleship development in the family class. This seems like an assignment that I'd love... I normally love to do self-reflective writing, the kind that helps me probe into my soul and allows me to express myself. however, I am definitely not into it, and i'm not sure why. In fact, doing school this semester has been difficult. In fact, it's been a struggle to stay focused the past month and a half. anytime i need to listen to someone who is speaking in a public setting I have found my mind wandering... daydreaming.... i feel as though i'm somewhere else. i don't know where i am, exactly, or where i wish i could be. and it's frustrating, because i want to be focused. i want to be in the moment. so this has been my prayer of late... that i would be where i am, and be engaged in what God has for me.

and so, since i am having trouble journaling about what someone else wants me to journal about, i'll start here. i have so much going on inside my head that i just don't know how to express. i know that is a common problem of mine, but it really does get old. i find myself longing for belonging, longing for the touch and depth of my Heavenly Father... longing to understand the beauty of how God has created me. longing to understand and to really, really know the mystery of having a relationship with Jesus. it so often does not make sense to me and doesn't click, especially being in the midst of much Christian-ese.

I was babysitting today for a sweet little 3 year old. We were playing outside and she decided that she wanted to pretend to be Jesus. I couldn't call her by her real name--I had to call her Jesus. There were a lot of thoughts that went through my head as we played this game. First, I kind of liked that she is growing up with a deep awareness of talking about Jesus and having the reminders that He is close, present, accessible. Second, I thought about what it might mean for someone to see me and to think... "hey, you remind me a lot of Jesus... so much so that you look like Him, talk like Him, think like Him." (i am nowhere near that point....) Perhaps that is the point of the deepening of the Christian life... to continually be on a quest to figure out what it means to both imitate Christ and to follow in His footsteps. There were other thoughts too... really, i thought it was funny that she wouldn't let me call her by her real name... only Jesus. it was cute.

i am also doing a lot of thinking about what it means to truly match up what i think with what i say, feel, believe and do. I am realizing more and more how many discrepancies there are in my life. i'd like to be genuine... to offer warmth, acceptance and hospitality to all... and i'm working on it.... but i also realize how many selfish tendencies i've got. i've been deeply reminded recently that the point of my life is not for myself. any good thing that is bestowed upon me is not really for me... it's for the Kingdom. it's for something much bigger than myself. i have had a friend recently remind me, a couple of times, that i just need to be honest. even if i am mad at him or disagree with him-i just need to say what i think. in theory, this is a great idea. but for some reason i struggle with this so much, and have a hard time just saying what i think without apology.

i'm also in a season where i realize that i have some very strong, deep desires that I am not sure are from God. As i am praying through these things, i struggle with the balance between knowing that God honors and uses the longings of my heart, but being able to desire only the things that are of the Father. i really have no idea how to do this, but trusting in the provision of God.

if you have made it all the way through this post, bravo! blessings to all who tread here...

a new week, a new post

it's been one of those weeks where a lot has happened, and not a lot has happened at the same time. here's a review of the life of maggie...

-a tornado hit the town where i spent most of my childhood summers and where i still have family. it's been scary and sad to think about, especially reading reports on this. if you think about it, keep enterprise, AL in your prayers. this tornado appears to have done significant damage. i'm sad for my aunt who still lives there, as she takes in all this damage and destruction.

-the past few days have been hard. i've taken things way too hard, way too personally. i've made mountains out of molehills, and i'm realizing my selfish tendencies within this. i'm reminded that a little perspective goes a long way, while at the same time needing to give myself permission to be upset if that's how i feel. i've gone through the gamut of emotions this week... joy, pain, rejection, isolation, contentment, discontentment, holding on, releasing, deep frustration, feeling ugly, feeling beautiful. i struggle so much with not allowing others to define how i feel... slowly, i'm learning how to balance this with being comfortable in my own skin.

-i allowed frustration to get the best of me this weekend. luckily, i was able to confront my frustration, and the object of this frustration reminded me that i have the right to speak my mind, and i have the right to feel mad. it's nice to feel validated sometimes.

-learning how to be honest without being mean and while maintaining sensitivity and respect is definitely not something i have mastered. i'd like to be there... and ever so slowly, i think i'm getting there.

-in the midst of so many frustrations over the past few days, God has reminded me of His presence, His plan, His purpose, His love. and while being frustrated, i've also felt the warmth of connection with good friends. it's been a week of sometimes wondering why i try in friendships... feeling disillusioned, but then being reminded that i need to chill out. i've been reminded that people do care for me... that even in my messiness, i do have people who see beauty in me, and who don't want to see me hurting.

-i'm realizing that the ways in which i desire to be loved by others are often not how they will always choose to show love. instead of coming to the table with my demands, i need to seek to be surprised by joy.

Finding my voice

Today my friend judy came up to me after church and said, "You have such an amazing, strong voice." I thought at first she was referring to my singing, and since she didn't sit anywhere near me during worship, i thought.. "whoa. i must have been singing way too loud... and kind of bad." but she went on to say that when i have things to say, they are good things. and not just good... but good. Things full of truth and insight... things that others need to hear. and she went on... she said, "maggie, you stay quiet most of the time... but when you do say something, it's something that others need to hear. you need to use your voice. you have thoughts worth hearing."

all i can say is... wow. this is something that has always been a struggle for me... i know that i have strong opinions, but i tend to live in this place that tells me that others will think what i have to say is juvenile, or stupid, or worthless, or won't make sense. or that my thoughts won't make a difference. I have a really hard time believing that what i have to say will make a difference... or that i have a voice worthy to be heard.

but i was reminded today that i do have a voice, thoughts put in my head by my Heavenly Father to do good things. I am often tempted to downplay what I think, wanting to reject what goes through my head. But my friend Judy has so lovingly reminded me that it's just not true. and when i reject my own voice, perhaps i am rejecting receiving from God, and from giving to others what God has given to me to share.

it strikes me that it's all part of a process of trusting the Creator with how He has created us. Self-deprecation can be so deceiving, and what may feel like humility is exactly the opposite.... looking to our own failings more than we look to our Father. Knowing that I have something worthwhile to say... something that others might listen to... wow. this floors me... all a part of the process of understanding God's purposes for me, i suppose....

a narcissistic faith?

i know that i'm in seminary/grad school, but i try not to use 5 dollar words a lot. however, narcissism is one that i like a lot. it sounds cooler than just saying selfish. and i've been thinking about this a lot... how i tend to view my life and my story as more important than the lives of others. i've been praying recently for God to help me get outside of myself, to truly place myself in the shoes of those around me... to not think just from my own perspective, but from the eyes of folks around me.

last week in one of my classes, Dr. Kiesling posed this question to us: Has evangelicalism contributed to the narcissism of our age? Does the church's mission point to the cross, or to individualism?

in mulling over this question, i started thinking about the language we use in the church. Receive Christ for yourself. Accept Him in your heart. Make Him your personal Lord and Savior. These statements conjure up images of having a little Jesus action figure that i can put in my pocket and pull out when I need Him. Isn't God bigger than that?

Dr. Kiesling suggested that the language we should perhaps be using when one decides to be a Christian is to "follow Jesus." This, to me, speaks of the difference between trying to fit God into my life versus deciding to make my life about God.

How do I get rid of all this "I" language while still caring for and acknowledging the creation that is Maggie? How do I make the Kingdom of God my end goal? What does it really mean to follow Jesus... to follow this One I cannot see, cannot touch... but that I trust in? What does it mean to pour out my heart... to empty all that is important to me onto the feet of Jesus?

I've realized that recently it's been difficult to sit through worship services, where I feel like I hear the same thing i've been hearing for many consecutive weeks. How does this thing, this movement, this life in the Kingdom stay fresh and alive? And in my desire for spiritual moments, I realize that I've got some spiritual selfishness i need to deal with. Will this cycle never end?

Any thoughts?

peace and blessings to all who enter here,
maggie

Truth, Community and Encouragment

For the past few days I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I have let some circumstances that are outside of my control get me down and define how i feel and how i see myself. This is something i've done my whole life, and something i find myself fighting against on a regular basis. i'm working on it...it can just be pretty tiring and overwhelming sometimes. trying to remind myself of the truth can be an uphill battle, as i fight the war of my over-analytic mind. The past 24 hours have been rough, and i have been fighting the battle of discouragement and doubt. In the midst of this, I've been reminded of the strength and beauty of community and friendships. In the middle of beating up on myself and not believing in the grace that God rains down on me, a friend reminded me today of some important things. They were things that I didn't even know that I needed to be reminded of, but yet there God met me. And i'm not sure if this friend knows the weight of what he did for me, but I guess that's part of what community is. When we are ourselves, when we are faithful to God and to our brothers and sisters, we speak life and truth into each other.

my friend peter explains this as "everyone showing up with an armful of presents." we give and receive the life-giving message of Christ's hope to each other. most of the time, we don't realize how much we mean to each other, but in the end, we bring the message of salvation to each other. what a simple yet beautiful thing.

some days, i'm realizing, it's just too much to try to convince yourself of the truth when the craziness of life hits. there's something about hearing truth from a brother, and knowing that he really cares and wants you to really believe it.

God is good.