All Saints Day

Today is the day in the year of the church calendar when many Christians celebrate All Saints Day. This is a day that is typically set aside for thinking about those mothers, father, brothers, and sisters in the faith that have gone before us and that are now enjoying the other side of eternity. It's a beautiful day, as being a Christian was never, ever meant to be a thing of isolation. Even when we practice solitude, we are doing it in celebration with the Church. After all, Jesus died not for just me or just you, but for His whole church.

Several months ago, I was at a one-day ministry conference at a local church here. One of the speakers talked about the importance of remembering certain people and times in our lives....the moment that we knew how loved we are by God, the moment we knew that we wanted to commit our lives to loving Jesus, the moment we knew that we were called to vocational ministry, etc.

As I reflected that day, I remember thinking about so many people and experiences that will forever mark my life. I thought about professors from college and other experiences from college that shaped my understanding that I was called to ministry in some shape or form (and ironically, the day of this conference was the day that my alma mater announced its closing. but that's a whole different can of worms...). I thought about family members (particularly my grandma, Evelyn Middleton) who prayed for me and reflected the love and passion of God to me, and encouraged me to give my life completely to God. I thought about so many other people I have been amazingly blessed to know... friends who love selflessly, married couples who have displayed for me what a Godly marriage looks like, ministry leaders and supervisors who have believed in me and shown me what a life of ministry looks like, peers in the same journey... the list goes on.

There's been a lot that has happened this week that I can't write about in a public space (hopefully in the next several weeks, though, I'll be at liberty to share), but these things have reminded me of God's calling on my life-and that it is never what I expect it to be. I've been reminded that our experiences of God are both dynamic and static...He is always the same, yet always revealing how He desires us to change and become more like Him. And it's been through the lives of the community and the lives of the saints in my own personal life that I've watched Him work so often.

Since I've started the journey of physical transformation, here's a verse I've been reflecting on a lot:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. -Hebrews 12:1-3

We are surrounded by the Holy Spirit and by His witnesses. These are reminders that God is forever with us, always working, always seeking to transform us into people who are intimately seeking His face and His Kingdom.

We're not alone.

What an unbelievable gift.

Loser

Most of the people who are close to me know about what I'll share here, but I haven't yet talked about this in a public forum. Part of it is because this is one of those areas of my life that is and always has been a weak spot, but it's starting to get stronger. It's something I've always been a bit embarrassed and sensitive about, so I try to not bring it up. However, I've recently made some strides, and I think it's ok to celebrate.

I've struggled with my weight and been on some spectrum of the heavy side my whole life. There were a few points in college when, without really trying, I did shed some pounds, basically through being really busy. However, I still ate junk all the time, so when I became less active, the pounds came back on.

By the time this past summer rolled around, I realized I was at my heaviest. I like having energy. I like feeling active. I like being around kids, and I like being able to play with them. I don't like getting out of breath from going up a flight of stairs. I don't like dealing with anger or other emotions through eating. I have some athletic and active friends and I want to be able to play soccer or tennis with them. I've always imagined myself as an active person, but I realize that I wasn't doing in reality what I imagined in my head.

Every few months, throughout my entire life, I would say, "This is the week I'll start. This is the week that things will change, and this is the year that I will finally lose this unwanted weight." And of course, it hasn't ever really happened. This past May, I decided to adopt a dog from the humane society. Most of my reasons were the normal ones.... I've always liked dogs, it seemed like a fun idea, etc. However, in the back of my mind I also realized that, since I don't have a fenced-in back yard, this would force me to walk every day, whether I wanted to or not.
I started walking my sweet dog, but only for short distances, without losing any weight.

In all of my wisdom, I decided that the heat of a Kentucky July would be a great time to start running. Of course, I have never been a runner, nor do I enjoy running, but why not.... I began running once a day or every other day while Abner and I went out for a walk. I discovered that it wasn't so bad, and that I really liked feeling active and feeling like I had control over something.

I was running for about a month when I realized I hadn't lost any weight, and was super frustrated by that. In August, I began attending a regular excercise class. In September, I finally bit the bullet and decided to talk with my doctor about all of this. I was very tempted to try some easy things like trying all the quick weight loss products I saw at the pharmacy, but that felt a little like cheating to me. As I began to talk with my doctor, I realized that no amount of exercise in the world would help me if I was taking in soda, sweets and fast food every day. I have slowly begun to change my eating habits, and have seen some positive things. Most notably, I have lost 15 pounds so far (it may be closer to 20 at this point), and I'm just generally healthier.

More importantly, here are things I've learned so far....

-I feel so much better about myself when I'm not eating junk.
-I feel so much better about myself when I'm active.
-Both of the above statements have reminded me that I have lived several patterns of just allowing bad habits to control me. It's been incredibly freeing to take control of those things.
-Any physical transformation that one goes through is directly linked to spiritual issues, in many ways. That's another blog post for another day.
-Losing weight is not always easy, but not as difficult as I thought it would be. However, just like any change, I've realized the importance of being committed to it. You have to just bite the bullet and decide you're going to do it.
-Sometimes starting small leads to the most significant change.

I still have a long way to go, but it's a start...

Another Update

Life has been full of busy and not so busy things. Workwise, it's been a jam-packed summer so far, but a pretty good one. Here's a quick update:

-I had a really great birthday at the beginning of June. My co-workers celebrated with me (and adequately embarrassed me, the Amachi mentees and mentors sang to me, and I had an awesome birthday dinner with close friends. And my mom sent me seasons 5-7 of the Gilmore Girls. Not bad.

-I'm going to Santa Monica next week to visit my brother, sister in law, and nephew. I can. not. WAIT! Looking forward to great family time on the beach. Plus, I am in major need of a vacation. Things in that department got majorly derailed last summer, so this has been a long-awaited week away.

-I started running last week. Keep in mind that I don't run for all that long or very fast, but at least I'm moving. I'm counting this past week as a success for the following reasons: 1. I have not died or even passed out and 2. I have found that I've looked forward to running every night. Also important to keep in mind that I absolutely do not like much about exercise. However, I've found that running with the pup helps and makes it fun.

-In dog-related news, I LOVE having a dog! Why did I wait so long to do this? He is super fun and really loving. It's fun having this little guy around the house and having a running buddy.

Simple Update

Here's a simple update on the happenings in my life....

What I'm reading these days:

• The Good and Beautiful God, by James Smith

I have been reading this book for the past month or so as part of a Bible Study I am in. So far, I have found this to be a fantastic book on understanding our relationship to God. This is the first in a series of three books based on Christian spiritual formation. So far, it's been a helpful read in reminding myself about who I am in relationship to God.

• Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons

I have been following the work of Rachel Simmons for about a year or so now. She has done a lot of research in the area of girl's development, and is also a life coach and trainer for young girls and women. She seems to specialize in areas of empowerment and self esteem for pre-teen and teen girls. This book researches the issue of how girls are equally aggressive to boys, but in different ways. For girls, aggression happens relationally. Instead of beating each other up, girls are more prone to gossip and withhold relationships as a means of dealing with conflict. Girls are taught at a young age that physical aggression is a boy's world, so they are forced to find other ways to handle conflict. This is a concept that I studied in seminary, and I'm finding it interesting to still be reading about this.


Work:

Work continues to be good and busy. Our staff has grown by a few members in the past year, and our program continues to increase, in both numbers and content. We've started doing events every month, have added new trainings, and we're continually trying to impact kids and families in Lexington. There are so many kids and moms I've come to love so much, while my heart breaks for so many of the stories I hear. I continue to be encouraged by so many amazing mentors, and I love how quickly they come to love these kids. In addition to the job, I'm also a mentor myself. It's been good for me to have more direct contact, and I love my mentee. I'm so proud of her...she's been through so much, but I can tell that she truly wants to be making good decisions and wants to succeed. She's recently started trying a lot harder in school, and I love getting to help her.

What I'm listening to:

I can't seem to get enough of The Avett Brothers. If anyone wants to get me any of their music or buy me tickets to a show, I wouldn't be opposed.

What I'm feeling:

antsy... to be outside once spring finally decides to stay for good.
hopeful...that I'll be able to take an actual vacation this year.
curious...about what the rest of this year will bring.
restless...to see God more fully, and to understand what it truly means to be a Kingdom person.

Things I'm thankful for:

forgiveness, encouragement from friends, pretty weather, new opportunities, a job that gives me the opportunity to experience and to serve, great co workers, perspective, words, hugs, God's protection, tears, movies, rest, challenges, seafood, orange leaf, creativity, hope, chances to start over, kids, smiles, laughs, ideas, excitement

What a difference a year can make...

I have found a tendency in myself to take inventory of my life based on what was going on at this time last year. I have found myself doing that a lot recently, mostly because last Advent was extremely stressful, and this year I am just in a different spot.

Last year at this time I had been offered a job in Boston and had no idea what to do. At that point, I have been job searching for about 18 months with only temporary jobs to show for the search. I had many versions of my resume, many interviews, and lots more rejections. By December of last year, I can say that I became decent at interviewing.

The day before I had to tell the church in Boston if I was going to accept their offer, my sweet friend Laura called to tell me about a local opportunity, working with a mentoring program at a non profit. What mad matters worse is that I had done research while at Asbury and had become excited about starting youth programs (with an emphasis on mentoring) for kids in need. As I continued to hear about this job, I realized this was EXACTLY what I wanted to do. The job in Boston was not exactly what I wanted to do, but would have been a good step into a vocational direction. Also, as someone who gets a thrill out of new experiences and places, I will admit that I was pretty pumped about living in Boston. So I was posed with a dilemma... do I take the job that is for sure, and risk a new city, new friends, and potential misery, OR do i take of leap with this new potential opportunity, not knowing if I will even get an interview? Additionally, I was not banking on getting the job, because my interview history did not guarantee me getting this job. a STRESSFUL situation indeed.

I talked to everyone I knew and trusted about what I should do. I received lots of different pieces of advice, which didn't help. Finally, I was sitting at my friend Jeana's house one night and we talked this to death. I realized that i just was not excited about this job, and it would probably only be transitional at best. I had already been in transition for a long time and was ready for something I could really sink my heart and soul in to.

I interviewed for the job with Amachi (the mentoring program) and hands down, the best interview I'd EVER had. I came out of that interview floating, knowing where I was supposed to be. However, I interviewed just prior to Christmas. I didn't hear anything about the interview for a couple of weeks, unsure if I was going to get a second interview. I was still working at my job at the time which had gone from bad to really bad to downright miserable. I waited and cried and tried my best to be patient, but was not great at that.

Finally, a week or so into the new year, I found myself sitting in a second interview. It was not long, but again...I felt confident. I didn't feel confident in an arrogant way (I had been very humbled by MANY rejections), but in a "this is where I am supposed to be" kind of way.

I then experienced a very few long days. One of those days found my weeping and sobbing because I was SO miserable at the current job, and getting blamed for things that were not my fault. I knew I was at a point that would involve me quitting that job whether I got the new one or not.

The next afternoon, I received a call from the CEO of the non profit. All his message said was, "This is ____. Give me a call when you can." At that point, I wasn't sure what to expect. I got home from work, ate dinner with Amy and Jeana, and practically had my cell phone stapled to my hand. We were talking and waiting for the phone to ring, when it finally did. I went downstairs and waited for the words I had been longing to hear for a LONG time: "Maggie, we would like to offer you a job on the Amachi team." It took all of my strength and self-discipline to not scream right then and there, but somehow managed to make it through the phone call with some assemblance of professionalism. I ran upstairs and Amy, Jeana and I screamed, hugged and made a ton of texts and phone calls.

I've been there since February 8th, 2010, and I still love it. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, and that God prepared me for this role. In addition, I feel that I continually have the opportunity to learn, grow and evolve in a safe place. I work with and for people who believe in me, and I have had the opportunity to make this my own and to put my whole self into this. I still have moments, probably about once every two weeks, where I find myself thinking, "I can't believe this is my job and that I *get* to work here." I think that's a good sign...

The past year has reminded me of God's faithfulness, kindness and promises. There are many times when I wonder..."where is God?" But then I remember. He's here. Sometimes He is found in the silence, and sometimes He is found in the obvious declaration of His glory.

In the past year I have begun to find a voice and have felt permission to use it. I have found more pieces of myself. I have found more confidence by being able to own what I have been called to do. I have found brokenness in the lives of those I enter in to. I have found hope through the inspiration of the volunteers I work with.

There are still goals and desires and things that I wish for. And this just makes me wonder what I will be able to say at this time next year.

Is it a broken system?

At the beginning of August, I had a seizure. This was not the first time I'd dealt with some sort of seizure activity; I was diagnosed as having a seizure disorder when I was in high school. However, I've never had one of this magnitude and it involved a trip to the E.R. and an overnight stay in the hospital. Since then, it's meant getting used to a new medicine and not driving for three months. All of these things are hassles to deal with, but certainly not impossible.

What has been more troubling since then have been the financial issues that have come up. Because this is considered a pre-existing condition (and I had about a year and a half of having no insurance at all, due to job things), guess who's got a lot of medical bills being sent to her house? That being said, almost none of this is being paid for by my insurance company.

This is not a blog about healthcare policy or politics; I am not informed enough to be able to share that. However, what these thoughts are about is my story. It's my story of having a chronic illness that I will more than likely always struggle with, and my constant struggles to deal with insurance companies. There is a deep frustration and constant anxiety that can accompany chronic medical problems. When issues flare up, one just wants to feel normal and to not feel helpless (epilepsy feels helpless in ways that I can't even begin to describe). One wants to not feel at the mercy of medicine and doctors, and the frustration can feel intense. And when insurance issues and medical bills are piled on top of that, things can feel near impossible.

The reason I share all this is basically to pose the question, "What do we do?" The system we have now does not seem to work for the majority of people I know. I have one friend who cannot get covered by any insurance company because her height and weight are not proportionate. I have thousands of dollars in medical bills at my house due to one night in the hospital. My thought is that there must be another way...I just don't know what it is. Is it a universal plan like other countries have? Is it Obama's plan? I have no idea.

I write this not to complain about what has happened, or to have people tell me what I should do. This is a problem that is much bigger than me or what I've dealt with. This is a problem that is so much bigger than my one hospital visit. This is a problem that very, very real and that affects everyone. In addition, I do feel that as Christians, this is something we need to take seriously, because I think this has spiritual implications. If we are called to take care of the poor, the homeless, the orphan, the widow, the sick, and those who need care, we need to figure out a better way of approaching healthcare issues.

I hate to bring up a problem and not offer a solution, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Thoughts welcome, but please be nice.

Heartbroken

Over the past week, I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in the excitement and in the game. The game of getting my job done, the game of increasing numbers, the game of getting us up to speed. Working under a grant can be like that-to continue with our program, there are certain goals we have to meet. We have to have a certain number of matches. And on one level, it's good for me. It pushes me. It gives me goals to work towards. However, within that there are times that it is easy to lose sight of the purpose: the individuals. We forget that within the numbers of kids we work with are stories. Stories of hurt. Stories of abandonment. Stories of confusion. Stories of loss.

Of course, in the midst of this, one of my jobs is to meet kids and their families. I think it's easy to become numb to the pain of the stories I hear. To forget to weep for the pain of the kids I meet. This week, I realized that I don't want that to happen. The pain I encounter should make me sad and angry. And the pain should move me.

I started praying this week a prayer that I have prayed before. I prayed that God would break my heart for the kids I work with.

And that happened this week.

Without going into too much detail, I was made aware of a family and of children in a situation that children should simply not be in. Promises broken, innocence taken. My heart was deeply saddened for these kids. And I thought about kids I saw in family court a couple of days ago. Girls who cannot live in their homes because their behavior is out of control. Girls who want to belong, but do not know how to make good decisions for a variety of reasons. At the end of the day, I can see the brokenness. I can see the pain. However, these kids try to mask it by trying to be much more adult than they actually are. And then they end up in court, ordered to live away from family because living at home isn't working for them.

I don't know the answer, but i do know that we are called to love the broken. We are called, as God's people, to care for the orphans. We are called to show what true love is.

The Prodigal God

I'm back. I would like to say that I will promise to write more here. Not necessarily for the benefit of anyone else (because I'm not sure that many read this), but more so for the benefit of myself. I used to really enjoy writing. I had things to say. I would like to still believe that I have things to say. But i digress. This will not be another useless post about how horrible it is that I haven't written in a long time.

What will this be about, you ask? I'm not sure yet. I could go in many directions. One direction might be my job. I'm the match specialist for a mentoring program for kids affected by incarceration. There are many, many stories there. Lots of heartache. Lots of pain. Frustration. Lots of "what is wrong with the world?" moments. There are also moments of joy, hope, redemption. That might be the easy post, because it's what i live with every day. However, I feel the need to get away from the job for the night. Don't get my wrong...loving what I am doing. It's an awesome job, and perfect for me. It's where I am supposed to be.

I'm thinking about contentment these days. I am not now, nor have i ever been, a content person. This really, really bothers me. It bothers me because I long to live in peace with myself, with God, with others. I long to be the kind of person who can not only live in peace, but can also offer peace to others. However, it's hard to live in peace if one is not content. Why am I not content? I have most of the things I desire. I have friends who I love and who love me deeply. I have a job that is rewarding and fulfilling, and work amongst incredibly encouraging co-workers. My needs are met. I am loved. Yet something feels...off. I have realized in myself a tendency towards the cynical...always anticipating the next difficult circumstance.

However, I have been reminded recently to just rest. Rest in who God is. Rest in who God created me to be. Rest in the joy of where God has brought me. When I was in Kindergarten, we had an award for the "best rester" at naptime. I rarely won that coveted blue ribbon. I was always squirming, moving, talking, giggling. Not much has changed. I am still struggling to understand how to rest.

But perhaps this is a struggle that we all face. If we were all able to truly rest in who God made us to be, we wouldn't fight against God by giving into temptation. We wouldn't fight against God by running to money and possessions for our security. We wouldn't fight against God by needing others to assure us of our worth. We wouldn't fight against God by trying to be perfect. If we are truly at rest with the Father, it seems as though we might also be at peace. And does this peace lead to trust? Or does trust lead to peace?

I am reading a FANTASTIC book right now, called The Prodigal God. The author claims that the story we typically know of as "the prodigal son" should really be called "the two lost sons." Prodigal means 'reckless spendthrift.' God spends all that He has on us, so the Father in the story is actually the prodigal, pouring himself onto his sons. Both of the sons are equally lost, each trying to find their own way in this world, instead of resting in the blessings of their father (the older son uses his morality and tradition, the younger uses self exploration). Both fight against the father, and don't understand what it means to rest.

The reality, however, is that we are loved unconditionally by God. He desires to bestow all that He has on us. We don't need to fight to receive the inheritance of the Father; it's there for the taking. I realize how simple and perhaps juvenile this sounds, but a statement that can be difficult to live in to.

As St. Augustine said, "Our heart is restless until it rests in You."

Waiting, Patience, Looking Forward

I've been praying for a certain something for almost a year and a half-for a job that i'm excited about (either a ministry or non profit job). I am more than happy to say that as of Thursday evening, I have been offered a position with the Lexington Leadership Foundation. I'll be working with Amachi, a mentoring program for children and youth whose parents are incarcerated. I am so, so excited about this new chapter of my life, and am anxious to get started.

The past few days have been filled with excitement, but more than that...a reminder of God's faithfulness. The waiting has seemed so long, sometimes impossible. I've wavered between feeling guilty about being impatient with the wait, and feeling frustrated over needing to wait and wanting life to move on. I've thought a lot about what phrases like "Trust God" and "Wait on God" truly mean.

As i've celebrated great news the past couple of days, i've thought so much about how sad and frustrating waiting can be...mostly because it's so difficult to see the big picture. however, i'm so reminded of how so many pieces had to be in place for this opportunity to work out. An opportunity that I feel passionate about, folks i am excited to work with, an organization that has values and a mission that I feel very on board with. This has taught me so much about not settling, and remembering that God always has our best in mind, even if it requires a wait. Saying that seems like a platitude, so simplisitic, but it's been a good reminder this week.

I'm so excited for the new that is ahead of me. Thanking God today for answered prayers.

Tough Decisions

My life has been a roller coaster the past couple of weeks, more so than usual. I decided to not take the Boston job, but have since interviewed for a job that i would LOVE to get. this would be one of my dream jobs. I think there would be several dream jobs for me...this is certainly on the top 5 list. I've heard through the grapevine that my interviewer liked me, so now i wait. and wait. (interviewing during the holiday season=not good for impatient types).

so for now...i attempt to be content with what is happening currently, do my best to not have everything figured out, and seek to enjoy this Christmas.

may God's blessings rest on all who enter here,
maggie

blog slacker

Dear sweet blog,

I'm sorry I have neglected you for so many months. you've done nothing to deserve it, yet i've been terrible to you. please accept my heartfelt apologies for ignoring you. i didn't mean to be a bad parent; it just sort of happened.

and, little blog, if you'd like an update on my life, here it is:

since march: finished up working at CAP. i like researching grants, but not great at writing them. perhaps i just need more experience. loved finding out about appalachian culture and the needs there. started work at an early learning center. i have an enormous affinity for several of my coworkers and families that i see, but have still been searching for a ministry or nonprofit job. been hanging out with the AMAZING people at St. Pat's, and trying my best to coordinate service stuff with LRM. best. church. ever. those summer months became fall, fall rolled into thanksgiving, and somehow, we are now 2 weeks away from Christmas. i'm still not sure how this happened. Did someone press a fast forward button?

but the biggest news is this: i've been offered a job at a church in Boston. i have some reservations about it, but sort of feeling like taking it. "the sort of feeling" changes from hour to hour. it's risky to take it, but risky to not take it at the same time. i hate the thought of leaving st. pat's... but i need to move on vocationally. i've visited the church, but still can't really tell if this church is a good fit for me.

Thanksgiving and Advent have snuck up on me so fast this year...so fast that i haven't taken the time to think about what it means to wait for the Savior.

with apologies for my slackerness,
maggie

Job and Other Happenings

It's been a busy couple of weeks...not a lot to say, with everything to say at the same time. First things first...

I have a job (for at least five weeks)! I am hoping that this position will extend past the five weeks, but i'm deciding to just take things one day at a time for now. I'll be working with CAP (Christian Appalachian Project), assisting with grant writing, research, things of that nature. This will be completely new for me, so I'm terrified and excited at the same time. Since my first mission trips several years back with Sonservants, I've actually thought about the possibility of going into "rural ministry," but didn't like the thought of being isolated. So I'm excited about the potential to serve those living in these types of communities, and finding creative ways to help them. PLUS, I am learning a new skill and i will be challenged in my daily work. I haven't really been challenged in my day to day "work" since I graduated from Asbury, so I am looking forward to this. I am really hoping for the chance to be creative in empowering and serving the needs of those that CAP works for. For the past couple of months I have been working a couple of part-time jobs (babysitting and working with an assisted living facility). I've enjoyed those relationships, but thankful to have something slightly more engaging. If you think about it, please pray for this-I would really like for this to extend past this initial five week contract.

In other news, my small group (we call ourselves a "priory") has decided to grow a garden together. I know next to nothing about gardening, but it always seems like a good idea to me... I've just never had the time, motivation, or know-how to tackle such a thing. Luckily other people are taking this on, and i'll be there to help... I'm excited about the thought of growing vegetables together, and having a shared project. I think that's how people grow together best, and I'm glad to get to be a part of this.

And speaking of my priory... I'm so thankful for the folks I've found at St. Patrick's. I am living with a family from the church, and have been incredredibly blessed by the friendships there. I've longed for ways to figure out intentional community for a long time, and I feel like I'm starting to see some of this played out. It's far from perfect, but I am so glad to be around like-minded people who possess both passion and boundaries. This is a good time in life-still healing from a somewhat tumultuous summer and fall, and feeling held by God and the people around me.

Happy Lent

As of yesterday, we entered into the season of Lent, the 40 days that lead up to Easter Sunday. There have been some years where I've been really conscientious about observing Lent, and others where it has slipped by me. Since I'm now at an Anglican church, I think that it would be near impossible for this to slip by me, and I see that as a good thing. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and was also the first day I prayed this prayer out of the prayer book:

Almighty and everlasting God,
you hate nothing that you have made
and forgive the sins of all those who are penitent:
create and make in us new and contrite hearts
that we, worthily lamenting our sins
and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may receive from you, the God of all mercy,
perfect remission and forgiveness;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I have now prayed this prayer a few times, and I find it moving, beautiful and piercing. I think Lent can be scary- we are called to remember that we are "but dust, and to dust we shall return." We're also called to take an inventory of our lives, to be penitent, contrite, repentent. We're called to remember our frailty as humans...hmm. Not always an upper. Understanding what it means to have a "contrite heart" is sometimes confusing, and it can easily be mistaken with self-loathing. However, I'm reminded through the words of this prayer that "God hates nothing He has made." We are called to be penitent and repentent not because God wants us to be sad, but in order to be closer to God and to become more like Him. We are called to let go of our sins so that we can more easily understand the fullness of God's love. When we hold on to sins, vices, and idols, we are blinded and kept from understanding the full, majestic, all-encompassing nature of God's love for us. As a parent keeps a child from making bad decisions and ushering the child into healthy behaviors, how much more does God do that for us? As we embrace lenten practices, may we understand how giving the things of this world up draw us closer to the Father's heart.

Ice and Hospitality

What a crazy week this has been!  Here in the bluegrass we've been hit with an icestorm and the majority of folks I know are without power (yours truly included).  So for the past two days my friend Jeana has been gracious to let me hang out with her.  When I take a look outside, it's absolutely beautiful...the way the white light catches on the bare trees-it's peaceful, serene.  but with that peace comes headaches... no power, no heat, the hour it took me to scrape off my car, the multiple times i've gotten stuck.  hmm.  but it is really quite beautiful.  

Yesterday, while a bit frustrating, was a really great day.  I had two different people call me to see if I was OK within about 10 minutes of each other.  At first I was determined to stay in my house...i thought for sure it wouldn't be that bad.   However, after a little coercing I realized I should take these folks up on their offers.  It was beautiful to me yesterday to see these folks from my church community all calling to check on one another.  Such a simple act.  But I felt loved.  Cared for.  And yesterday and last night turned out to be a really fun night... Jeana cooked lunch AND dinner for me, we watched a chic flick, Hannah brought us dessert, Raven and Donnie stopped in to say hi, and then we played bananagrams.  Definitely not a bad way to spend a cold night!

Ironically, as I have found myself on the receiving end of some very loving hospitality this week, I have been reading a book on the very subject.  It is written from the benedictine view of what Christian hospitality is meant to look like, and it is a very, very good read.  

A quote from the introduction: "By accepting someone, we do what seems to be a small, ordinary thing.  A single act would seem to be small anyway, but little acts of giving, one upon another, pile up to create a huge force capable of repelling darkness and transforming the world.  A friendly conversation with a stranger at a bus stop can be the embodiment of hospitality.  When we accept a human being, we are fostering the kind of hospitality that will change everything.  When we build a life of acceptance, we build a new kind of kingdom among us."  (-Radical Hospitality, Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt)

Being genuinely kind to others and making space for them is what hospitality is about.  Seeking to see the presence of God in those who interact in our lives is the essence of this word.  When we find ways to reach out, we offer hope.  By engaging in true, Christian, Spirit-filled hospitality, we remind each other what Jesus looks like.  As Homan and Pratt shared, when we seek to make space for others in our lives, we aren't just being nice, but we are seeking to repel the darkness of this world.  

Advent

I love advent. I normally get somewhat annoyed with typical Christmas-type things- feeling the pressure of finding gifts for those I love, way too many people at stores and in parking lots, feeling busy when I would like quiet. But when I do give myself the permission to really focus on Advent...wow, what a beautiful picture.

I love that the season of Advent reminds us to stop. wait. listen. prepare. anticipate. We wait with longing hearts for the Savior, and we remember what it means that Christ has come. In the darkness of this world, of our personal lives, and even our own hearts, we remember that One has come to pierce the darkness with the brightest light possible. It is in waiting, in being quiet, that we understand ourselves, our need for Christ, and what it is that God has done for His people.

I think that Advent might be particularly significant for me this year, as I've been in a season of waiting for a few months. For multiple reasons, my life has been a rollercoaster for a while now. I graduated from Asbury and am still looking for a job. My season of being in school is over and I'm still trying to answer that "what's next" question. I don't know the answer. Other things in my life changed earlier this fall (in ways that I did not expect, but the change was necessary), and I am still processing through a lot of it. There are many ways in which I tend to be a perfectionist, and I've put pressure on myself to have it all figured out.

As I've entered into Advent, I've realized that it is ok to wait. It is ok to not have life figured out, and it is ok to not always be happy. It is ok to need other people and to need God. In fact, it's necessary as a Christian disciple to need others and God.

So I wait in joyful anticipation, in more ways that one.

What's The Problem?

My friend Erin and I have been throwing around the idea of starting a non profit for the past year or so. We want to start said non profit to help impact the lives of middle school and high school girls who struggle with self esteem. We're nowhere near being able to launch anything, but we're trying to research the situation. And from my own experience (both with my own personal story, with the stories of my female friends, women I run across, and young girls I happen to know currently), low self esteem is crippling. At times it certainly has been true in my own life.

As Erin and I have talked about what we feel called to do, we've started asking the question, "So what's the problem?" What's the REAL problem here? Is it that young women aren't empowered or don't have enough role models? Is it that most grown women still aren't able to walk with healthy amounts of self esteem? Is it pressure from society to just be too many things? Is it that we have an inability to truly believe that the God of the universe loves us and believes in us? I certainly have my thoughts, but they're still jumbled. I just know that I hate how I sometimes see myself, and the struggles I see most girls and women battling in this area.

And what is it that self-esteem does to us? I believe that it cripples us, and it keeps us from being the best versions of ourselves. It keeps us from being who God truly desires us to be. God is not honored when we deprecate His creation...whether that be a towering redwood, a brilliant flower, the elderly woman next door, or myself. By honoring God's creation...ALL of His creation, I am able to praise the God who so lovingly created me.

I often wonder if part of the problem is in really, really messed up standards. I have been reading through the book of 1 John recently, and today's passage hit me hard, especially as I think about how I often enter into the practice of self-loathing:

"Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." (1 John 1: 15-17)

The standards we see on TV, in the media, from peers shares a standard that tells individuals that in order to be loved and accepted we must look a certain way, have a specific body type, and present a certain image of ourselves. I have been reminded all day of the power of refusing to give in to this... to seek the things of God's Kingdom, and not of this world. As I think about how to respond to my own areas of feeling insufficient, and in turn, of how to best love others struggling with honoring the beauty of their own creation, I am reminded that God has standards, beauty, and desires that are completely contrary to what this fallen world offers.

So often the "easy" thing is to find our identity in the people around us, our immediate community, or the culture at large. Those things tell us right away if we are beautiful or not, if we are right or wrong, if what we present is acceptable. However, this passage tells us that we simply cannot trust the things of this world (even if that might be the easy thing to do). We are called, instead, to identify with God and His values... very different from what the culture around us has to offer.

Roots and New Directions

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have started attending a new church. This particular faith community is an anglican church, and I've found that I like it a lot. After the first week, I wasn't sure if i'd come back. But then I did return, and now I'm excited to return today. My initial hesitations were multiple, but one was because it is, in fact, anglican. As someone who grew up in a very small Episcopalian church and experienced the ritual of liturgy every Sunday of my life for 18+ years, I never expected to willingly return to this setting. My formative years weren't bad, just devoid of understanding the transforming power of Jesus Christ. I was loved by many surrogate grandparents, but left without an understanding of why it was so important that we did what we did.

And now, here I am. Sitting among a small, anglican worship gathering repeating the same exact liturgy that I did as my 8-year old self. Part of me wants to run far, but most of me feels like something is getting connected. The dots in my 12-year old brain are suddenly connecting to the passions of my 30-year old persona. It's a bit like coming home in a way, but in a new, "ahh, i get it now" kind of way. In a fuller, more complete way.

I'm an Aunt!

Just wanted to say congrats to my brother and sister-in-law... their son (and my nephew!) is now here among us! He was born yesterday (August 5th) at 7:53 p.m. Apparently a long labor, but everyone is healthy. To my nephew, your Aunt Maggie is very excited to meet you! And to Randall and Melissa... congratulations!

At Long Last

At long last, I am returning to the blogging world. Countless times since April I have logged in to my account and started to write a post, only to have been struck with insane writer's block. And that has been frustrating, because I have had much to say, but have not known how to articulate myself. But alas, at long last, here I am again. So, for the two people who read this, I am back in all my glory.

Since it's been so long, I'll just give an update on my recent state of being.

CPE. I have been spending my weeks doing my CPE. For those who don't know what this is, it's basically an internship. Yes, this summer I've had the privilege of paying to work. awesome, right? Actually, it's been a good experience for the most part-better than I had prepared myself for. I had many, many people telling me how horrendous this experience would be. The worst part really was needing to wake up much earlier than I would like once a week, and needing to reflect about EVERY SINGLE PART of my life for 9 straight hours on Mondays. However, I will say that God answered my prayers and gave me a really great group of folks to be with. In addition, i prayed a lot that this would be a good, life-giving experience, and I am walking away feeling encouraged. Thanks, God. You are always faithful! Next Monday will be my last class, and I am ready to be done, but thankful for a good experience.
In addition to the class aspect of CPE, I have been working about 20-25 hours a week with the church. I've been working with the youth ministry and have been visiting our homebound church members. Both projects have been really amazing...we've had lunch for our kids at the church twice a week, which has been super cool. We eat food (donated to us by God's Pantry!), we have a short devotional time, and then play kickball. It's been such a sweet time just to BE with the kids. Our kids have grown closer to each other, the leaders, and to God. and just by being together. We haven't put on a flashy program... we're just offering a time to be together. simple, but profound. when we are together, we pray. we eat. we play. we laugh. sometimes the kids get mad. sometimes i get frustrated. but i believe through this that we are being what the Church is meant to be. and we've seen fruit....again, thanks God for your amazing faithfulness for our meager efforts!
And homebound visits.... amazing. I've learned so much, and met some of the most incredibly devoted followers of Christ. Most of these folks have been members of the church for 50 years or more...have been there through thick and thin. I've gotten to hear stories, bring communion, offer prayers, and get to know some saintly people. I've found out more about the church from these conversations in just a couple of months than in the three years I've been there.

Aunthood. Melissa's water broke today.... and I will soon have the joy of offically being an aunt. I can't wait to meet my nephew... we've waited so long to meet this little guy. I hope he likes us, because we're all pretty pumped about him. And melissa is amazing... doing a completely natural birth at home. What a rockstar.

"What are you doing next?" I am beginning to loathe this question. My free time is spent job searching, and I don't know where I'll be, and it's scary. Plain and simple. I am hoping to be involved with an amazing ministry somewhere, but not sure where that is yet. So, if you are reading... pray for this job search. There are times that I'm excited about what's next, and times that I am just plain clueless and scared. But I'm trusting that God has something amazing... and trusting that God will use me for crazy and lifechanging things.

Free time. I have recently been introduced to the joy that is Anne of Green Gables. Simply thrilling and simple. And I am loving reading a book that I picked out on my own... something that is not about theology... and i think, "how did i NOT read this as a child?"

that is all.

Just Have Faith!

i've been thinking a lot recently about what it means to 'have' faith. we talk about faith and the Christian experience in very possessive terms, and i wonder if this is correct. perhaps in some ways it is. but if we're not careful, our faith becomes only about 'me,' and how i feel, what i feel God calling me to do, and we forget to think about others in relationship to faith. and that's funny... because the whole nature of who Jesus was had to do with self-sacrifice, and of serving others. He was brought into this world and left it in the must humble ways possible...humility for the sake of humanity. and so i struggle with some notions of what 'having faith' means. For instance, a phrase that is commonly used in evangelism is "accepting" or "receiving" Jesus. i really don't like these terms, mostly because i don't really know what that means. it sort of conjures up this image of God as a magic pill, and i think that's extremely dangerous territory to be walking on. it also leads to the notion that God is to be molded to us, instead of vice versa. shouldn't our language be more about deciding to follow our Creator, instead of Him following us? just a thought.



i'm reading through Hosea with my sunday school class. as we read through hosea 1, we started talking about the notion that the Lord was asking Hosea to do some pretty ridiculous things. Marry a prostitute, love her, name the kids after things like 'vengeance' and 'not my people.' (i'm wondering what my brother is going to name my nephew... i really hope those aren't on the list...). one conversation we had last week stuck with me... that God was not speaking to Hosea for Hosea's benefit, but for the benefit of the people of Israel. God is about the edification of the Church, and not just me. how does this play out as we live our lives in a society that tells us to think about me, and me alone? even in our lives of faith, i think it's still an easy temptation to think about what God wants me to do, instead of how my actions will affect the whole.