Rwanda!

I'm planning to go to Rwanda this summer with some folks from my church.  We'll be spending time with our friends there, worshiping together, sharing stories, doing some teaching, and praying together.  I'm looking for folks who would love to participate in this trip indirectly through praying for me and through helping to support this ministry.  Below is the letter I sent out a few weeks ago.  Let me know if you'd like to partner with me in this!

Dear Friends,                                                                                                                                                            

With excitement and joy in my heart, I am writing to tell you about an amazing opportunity coming up in my life.  In July of this year, I will be traveling with a team of friends and leaders from St. Patrick’s Church in Lexington, KY to Kibungo, Rwanda.  We will be focused on training local pastors, participating in prayer ministry, helping with various service needs in the community, and providing training for women and their social workers at a local women’s center.  My time in Rwanda will be focused on working with a women’s center and teaching about peer mentoring, discipleship, and practical skills for the women there.  We will also have opportunities to build relationships with pastors, families, and friends in the area.  

Among those we will be spending time with include local pastors who oversee 8-10 local congregations, women seeking lifeskills development and relational ministry, and families who have dealt with the national tragedy and impacts of the 1994 Genocide.  Through the pastors, women and other leaders we will be spending time with, we will have the opportunity to directly and indirectly impact over 60,000 people.

I am inviting you to prayerfully consider joining in this mission in two ways:

·        Prayer: I am looking for a team of prayers who will lift up this opportunity daily.

·        Finances: In order to participate in this experience, I will need to raise $3000.00 by the beginning of April.  This amount covers airfare, lodging, food, and in-country transportation.  

If you feel led to participate in this ministry in any way, please comment or send me an email.  

Darkness and Advent

I am not in what most Americans would call the "Christmas" spirit.  I think you know what I'm talking about... feeling warm, happy, excited to be singing songs about animated snowmen and reindeer with light-up noses, baking cookies, wearing Santa hats, etc.  In fact, December 2013 for me has not been fun.  It's been a difficult month personally, filled with some weepy days, and I'm ready to move past a few deep personal hurts and disappointments that have made me dread trying to feel "holiday happy."  I find myself getting deeply annoyed each time I hear the song, "It's the most wonderful time of the year," because, well, it's just not.

And that's ok.  It's actually a very positive thing.  Because while I'm not feeling like Christmas caroling or making tons of cookies or even turning on the lights of my Christmas tree, I do think this somewhat difficult time has put me into an Advent spirit, which is a different thing completely.

Advent is the season of the church year that many Christians celebrate that mark the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas.  This is a time when most Advent-observers think about waiting, expectation, and longing.  We reflect on the prophecy from Isaiah:

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.  He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.  The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."  (Isaiah 9:6-7)

It's during this time that we think about preparing for and waiting for the coming of Christ, and what His coming means.  What better time to do this when things are darkest?

I think that when things are perfect and happy and full of warmth, we don't always understand the urgency of what Jesus came to do.  When we are able to create our own light, it's not easy to understand why we so desperately need the light of Christ.  However, when it's dark outside and we might be going through a dark time in our souls, it's natural to long for Jesus.  And I think that's what God desires.

I spent time with a friend yesterday who I knew when I lived in Atlanta.  For the past several months, her oldest son has been going through major health issues.  Doctors can't quite figure out what's wrong.  What they do know is that they've spent time in hospitals, she's had to spend the week before Christmas away from her other four kids, and her sweet child is weak and sick.  Darkness.  In reflecting on what's happening in this family's life, I'm reminded of what true Christmas means.  It often means that life is sometimes dark.  It means that this earthly life is imperfect and sometimes tragic.  It means that there are some days the best we can do is get out of bed and have a good cry.  It also means that we long for the light of Christ.  It means that there's a knowing (not necessarily a feeling) of joy and peace in our souls in the midst of the darkness.  It means that we know that Christ came to drown out the darkness.  It means that darkness and evil will not win the war, even if it feels like sometimes that darkness wins a few battles. 

It means that even when things feel hopeless, that there's a knowing in our souls that this is not the end of the story.  We prepare for and celebrate the birth of Christ because there are battles yet to be fought, and victory yet to be had. 

I know that my own personal journey this month has led me to a deeper longing for the presence and hope of Christ in a much more profound way.  In days when a passing smile has been difficult to find, I've found myself pressing into the meaning of real, concrete joy and peace.  I don't mean peace in a hippy-esque, peace on earth kind of way.  I mean peace in a real, abiding, strengthening, transcendent kind of way.  And I think it's impossible to understand what the joy and peace of Christ actually are if you haven't dealt with pain, disappointment, or darkness.  I've come to believe that it's the darkness we encounter that makes us long for the light.

And while I long for the fullness of Christ to come and dwell, I'm also thankful for glimpses of the light to come.  While dealing with my own struggles and seeing the struggles of those around me, I am reminded that God gives us grace even as we wait.  I'm reminded of the light  of a dear friend who is planning a surprise trip for me in February.  I'm reminded of light as the  friend I mentioned earlier, who even in difficult moments, finds ways to make her child laugh as he spends time in a hospital bed.  I'm reminded of friends who give me the grace to cry.  I'm reminded of the power of others believing for us and having hope for us, when hope seems hard to grasp on to.  I'm reminded that there is always, always hope.  And the darkness and waiting of Advent leads us to a time when the darkness will fade away and give way to victory, peace, and the splendor of day.

Nothing could sum this up better than words from my favorite Christmas/Advent hymn:

O come, O come, Emmanuel,

and ransom captive Israel

that mourns in lonely exile here

until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

shall come to thee, O Israel!

Rejoice, for He is coming.

Thanks be to God.

All Grown Up

When I was in seminary, I took a class called "Discipleship Development in Young and Middle Adulthood."  Basically, we discussed how and when people develop from the ages of 20-ish on up.  It was one of my favorite classes, and I loved thinking about how development happens.  Yes.  I recognize how nerdy that statement sounds.

Although I took this class over 5 years ago, there was one very specific revelation that stuck with me.  Throughout the class, we were asked to think about this question: when do people feel like they've become an adult?  We discussed a lot of significant marker events like graduating from college, finding one's first job, and of course, getting married.  We also discussed how many other cultures have certain rites of passage that serve to concretely communicate to one that he or she is now an adult.  I realized that, for the most part, we don't really have that in the West.  The revelation I previously referred to is this: are weddings the primary rite of passage we have for adulthood in our culture?  It's at that time that we often talk about setting up a home, the beginning of real life, and all the responsibilities that come with marriage.  When a woman gets married, she is typically given a plethora of home-oriented gifts (kitchen ware, dishes, home furnishings).  It's at the point of entering into marriage that we see that folks are really ready for these items.

When this is the case, what happens when you are all of a sudden 35 and not married?  Are you any less of an adult?  I certainly don't think so.  What's the rite of passage for folks who, for various reasons, didn't get a wedding shower?

Having this revelation has prompted me to think about those times that made me feel particularly adult-like.  There have been a lot of them, but they've snuck in quietly in the night, not really pronouncing themselves.  However, those moments have been important, nonetheless.

So, here's my list of things that have made me (or others, as not all of these are mine) feel like I've become an adult.  Some of these happened a long time ago, some more recently.

-Hosting my first holiday meal (in particular, the making of the ever-intimidating turkey)
-The first time I asked for dishes for Christmas
-The first time I signed a lease on an apartment
-The first time I made a purchase over $200
-The first time I drove more than an hour on my own
-The year I realized I had enough items in my home to officially decorate for Christmas without needing to borrow anything
-Having a desire to buy a grill and gardening items
-Getting my first full-time job
-The first time I had to get my own medical insurance

What would you add to this list?

The Discipline of Play

In my adult life, I’ve come to realize, I’ve never been that great at figuring out how to have fun.

There are many times when I do things because they seem fun.  However, “having” fun on a consistent basis has been a much different story.  In other words, I’m bad at playing. 

As a child, I had no problem with this.  I could “go outside and play.”  I loved to swim and jump on trampolines in the summer with my cousins, I awaited with bated breath the beginning of camp each June and July, I loved to attend sleepovers, I loved playing soccer and basketball.  

Somewhere between junior high sleepovers and my 30-something self, something changed.

As a young adult, I became zealous and excited about being a Christian and about being in ministry.  While that is something I would never change, I think that I became so serious about the spiritual life that I forgot that play is integral to understanding who I am as a daughter of God.  

I forgot that God created me to enjoy Him and His creation.  I forgot that who I am (complete with my weird interests, desires, and penchant for enjoyment) is important to God and to the folks around me.  I forgot that loving other people and enjoying what God has created go hand in hand.  I forgot that seeking joy often means being willing and able to enjoy the life around me.  

I have, in the past, struggled here and there with depression and anxiety.  In my quest to fix what was wrong, I’ve taken the approach that I must be serious about figuring out my quirks.  I’ve wondered so much about what is the exact right or wrong thing to do or way to be.  I’ve been surrounded, for the past several years (very intentionally), by folks with serious things going on, and I've been fortunate to share those stories and the gravity those stories have carried.

In the past several months, I’ve been thinking about what it means to play.  I’ve realized that I don’t do this well, out of fear that I’ll become self-absorbed (which is a form of self-absorption itself, I suppose).  All of these thoughts have led me to an important practice: having fun.  I’ve started contradancing, hiking, walking in the evenings, enjoying more time with friends, among other things.  For me, I’ve realized that play is very closely linked to being active, so I’m gearing myself more towards those activities.  

I’ve come to see the art of play as a spiritual practice.  For me, being intentional about play has helped me to engage in life and to gain a deeper understanding about those things that bring me joy.  With that, I’ve learned more about how I’m wired.

Being willing to play has reminded me that in the midst of difficult life situations and circumstances and hurtful people that there is always joy to be found.

Being willing to play has reminded me of the many gifts that God has given.  It’s helped me to think about what it means to truly enjoy God, instead of striving for perfection all the time

.

Being willing to play has taken me away from myself and the problems that I so often focus on.

Being willing to play has helped me cultivate both joy and peace.

Being willing to play has encouraged me to remember that life is so much deeper and so much simpler than I want to make it.

Being willing to play has forced me out of the prison of my own self-analyzing tendencies.  

Being willing to play has given me perspective.

Being willing to play has been a great avenue for ministry and for inviting others into Kingdom life.  

Being willing to play has enabled me to see things with a clearer mind.

I realize that the “discipline of play” very well may sound like an oxymoron.  However, it’s been a needed thing for me.  Whether it’s through the avenue of being creative, writing, taking my dog for a walk, or doing a really weird form of folk dancing that most people have never heard of, this revelation has been life-giving for me.   

I think there’s a very real reason that most adults long for the lives that kids live.  They know how to play and find joy without distraction.  Ever seen a kid on a swing at a playground?  I’m not sure that there’s a freer or more joyful expression on a person’s face.  Life can be difficult and there are things that as adults, we must focus on.  But I also think there’s something about living a life of disciplined joy that we often miss.

A Generous God

note: I wrote this post for my church's lenten blog.

A Generous God

My boss once asked our staff the question, “Do you pray out of God’s generosity or God’s scarcity?” He went on to explain the question: “Do you pray, pleading and hoping that God will just help you scrape by? Or do you pray with the knowledge that God has made and owns everything? Do you pray really believing that God is generous and loves to give to His children?”

Do we, as Christians, truly believe that God is generous? We live in a broken, hurting world that seems to live between two poles: we either have so much stuff that we feel entitled to more stuff, or we are forced to go without, feeling anxious about how we might survive until next week.

Scripture certainly points us to the perception that God owns all things. Psalm 24:1-2 reads, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.” Psalm 50:10-11 reminds us of a similar truth: “For every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains and the creatures of the field are mine.” Scripture shows us the story of God’s creation and that He is the maker of all that is. Does this mean that He also gives to His creation?

I do believe that God is generous. However, to truly answer this question correctly, we have to understand that Kingdom economics are different from earthly economics. Stating that God is generous does not automatically mean that we will be rich in money, possessions, or other temporary things (however, I do believe that there are times that God chooses to bless us with such things. I don’t think that’s the point, though.). God’s generosity is much deeper and contains much more meaning than that. If we are people that genuinely seek after God, He desires to give to us freely out of things that are eternal: joy, peace, abundant life, Godly wisdom. Jesus points to this fact in the gospel of John when He reminds us of His purpose: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10) Jesus has come to give us an abundance of things that cannot be destroyed.

In fact, I believe that if we saw generosity only in terms of monetary or material items, the idea of God’s generosity would be cheapened. If we are only given what cannot and will not last, we will never be satisfied. However, the fact that God is generous towards us with a Kingdom economy reminds us that He delights in His children.

Those who are rich in money go bankrupt. People lose jobs and houses. Unfortunate life circumstances happen all around us. However, the generosity of God never fails.

In the book The Good and Beautiful God, James Bryan Smith reminds readers that God is indeed generous. He shares, “The metanarrative of the Bible is the story of the steadfast love of God that culminates in the incarnation, death and resurrection of God on behalf of a wayward world God is generous because He lives in a condition of abundance - His provisions can never be exhausted-and God is moved with compassion because He sees our need.” (Smith 79,84)

As I journey through Lent this year, I am thinking about God’s generosity, especially in terms of Jesus.

God gave us Jesus on earth, and then sacrificed Him so that God’s people could be with Him. It is because of the sacrificial and generous nature of God that we have eternal life. The book of Romans reminds us of the true nature of God’s generosity: “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32) While there are many temporal things in this life that will certainly point to God’s generosity towards us, it is at the Cross that we see the culmination of God’s generosity. God gave Himself up for His people and poured all of Himself out so that we could be reconciled to Him forever. If He sacrificed all of Himself at the Cross, surely He takes care of us in the ways that truly matter.

As we continue our Lenten journey, here are a couple of questions to ponder. How has God been generous to you? And how can you share His generosity with those around you?

Gratitude

"So," I asked 11-year old *Monique (name changed for confidential reasons), "What do you like about Thanksgiving?"

I was expecting an answer related to stuffing, pie, whipped cream, shopping, or having a couple of extra days of no school.

"I love that we have a day to think about all the little things we're thankful for, because we don't usually do that."

This was a conversation I had with one of the girls who was recently matched with a mentor in our program. I arrived at her home a few minutes early, and I was making small talk with this bright, mature young girl. I certainly didn't expect that answer, and it put a huge smile on my face. From the mouths of babes...


Thanksgiving Day 2011 has come and gone. In the weeks preceeding this annual day of feasting, I, like most people, tend to reflect on those things I am thankful for, since that is the nature of the holiday.

I find the word "thanksgiving" to be a difficult word, mostly because I believe that it has lost its power in this culture. We use this in conjunction with phrases like "counting blessings." When a clerk at a grocery store gives us our change, we say thank you, because it's common courtesy. When a loved one gives us a gift that is meaningful and impacts our lives, we also say thank you. Certainly these are at two ends of the spectrum. I believe that we should be grateful for both.... remembering to thank someone doing a job that serves us for little pay....and expressing gratitude for the acts of love that those closest to us display.

I believe in living a life of gratitude and remembering to thank God for His activity in our lives. I believe in the importance of reminding those close to us how much they mean. I believe that the practice of gratitude is a crucial spiritual practice. I had a seminary professor who shared once that, "Gratitude is the beginning of humility." Beautiful. When we truly practice gratitude, we are reminded that it is God who provides all things...not my own efforts. When I remember who my provider is, I am reminded that God takes care of all things, and that His grace truly is sufficient. When we practice gratitude, I am reminded that (from the words of the movie Rudy) that, "I know two things. God is God, and I am not."

And not only is practicing gratitude important, it's how we enter into the deepest part of God's heart...

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I believe that, for the most part, we live in a world where we don't remember to share with others how important they are to us. I just sometimes wish I had a word that had more depth and power to convey what it means to be utterly grateful and thankful.

I certainly don't want to be cliche, but I'm about to be. I am about to share the obligatory list of all that I am thankful for, because I believe this to be an important thing to remind myself of.

Today, I am thankful for...

*a family who loves me.* friends who encourage and believe in me.* good health, and steadily improving health.* the ability to improve health by doing easy and natural things.* renewed relationships* God's constant provision.* God's grace, especially in the midst of my mistakes.* new opportunities.* a job I love* co-workers who typically feel more like family than officemates.* my dog* beautiful Kentucky weather.* the hospitality of both friends and strangers.* never having to go without* having opportunities to impact this world in a positive way.* challenges.* wisdom*mentors* words* scripture* laughter.* tears.* music.* the ability to think.* medicine.* doctors.* good memories.* fun experiences.* the ability to continually learn.* hugs.* children.* life giving conversation.* exercise.* travel.*board games.* ice cream.* hot chocolate.* books.* movies.*inspiration.*perspective.* advice.* the faithful who have gone before me.* shared experiences.*

All Saints Day

Today is the day in the year of the church calendar when many Christians celebrate All Saints Day. This is a day that is typically set aside for thinking about those mothers, father, brothers, and sisters in the faith that have gone before us and that are now enjoying the other side of eternity. It's a beautiful day, as being a Christian was never, ever meant to be a thing of isolation. Even when we practice solitude, we are doing it in celebration with the Church. After all, Jesus died not for just me or just you, but for His whole church.

Several months ago, I was at a one-day ministry conference at a local church here. One of the speakers talked about the importance of remembering certain people and times in our lives....the moment that we knew how loved we are by God, the moment we knew that we wanted to commit our lives to loving Jesus, the moment we knew that we were called to vocational ministry, etc.

As I reflected that day, I remember thinking about so many people and experiences that will forever mark my life. I thought about professors from college and other experiences from college that shaped my understanding that I was called to ministry in some shape or form (and ironically, the day of this conference was the day that my alma mater announced its closing. but that's a whole different can of worms...). I thought about family members (particularly my grandma, Evelyn Middleton) who prayed for me and reflected the love and passion of God to me, and encouraged me to give my life completely to God. I thought about so many other people I have been amazingly blessed to know... friends who love selflessly, married couples who have displayed for me what a Godly marriage looks like, ministry leaders and supervisors who have believed in me and shown me what a life of ministry looks like, peers in the same journey... the list goes on.

There's been a lot that has happened this week that I can't write about in a public space (hopefully in the next several weeks, though, I'll be at liberty to share), but these things have reminded me of God's calling on my life-and that it is never what I expect it to be. I've been reminded that our experiences of God are both dynamic and static...He is always the same, yet always revealing how He desires us to change and become more like Him. And it's been through the lives of the community and the lives of the saints in my own personal life that I've watched Him work so often.

Since I've started the journey of physical transformation, here's a verse I've been reflecting on a lot:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. -Hebrews 12:1-3

We are surrounded by the Holy Spirit and by His witnesses. These are reminders that God is forever with us, always working, always seeking to transform us into people who are intimately seeking His face and His Kingdom.

We're not alone.

What an unbelievable gift.

Loser

Most of the people who are close to me know about what I'll share here, but I haven't yet talked about this in a public forum. Part of it is because this is one of those areas of my life that is and always has been a weak spot, but it's starting to get stronger. It's something I've always been a bit embarrassed and sensitive about, so I try to not bring it up. However, I've recently made some strides, and I think it's ok to celebrate.

I've struggled with my weight and been on some spectrum of the heavy side my whole life. There were a few points in college when, without really trying, I did shed some pounds, basically through being really busy. However, I still ate junk all the time, so when I became less active, the pounds came back on.

By the time this past summer rolled around, I realized I was at my heaviest. I like having energy. I like feeling active. I like being around kids, and I like being able to play with them. I don't like getting out of breath from going up a flight of stairs. I don't like dealing with anger or other emotions through eating. I have some athletic and active friends and I want to be able to play soccer or tennis with them. I've always imagined myself as an active person, but I realize that I wasn't doing in reality what I imagined in my head.

Every few months, throughout my entire life, I would say, "This is the week I'll start. This is the week that things will change, and this is the year that I will finally lose this unwanted weight." And of course, it hasn't ever really happened. This past May, I decided to adopt a dog from the humane society. Most of my reasons were the normal ones.... I've always liked dogs, it seemed like a fun idea, etc. However, in the back of my mind I also realized that, since I don't have a fenced-in back yard, this would force me to walk every day, whether I wanted to or not.
I started walking my sweet dog, but only for short distances, without losing any weight.

In all of my wisdom, I decided that the heat of a Kentucky July would be a great time to start running. Of course, I have never been a runner, nor do I enjoy running, but why not.... I began running once a day or every other day while Abner and I went out for a walk. I discovered that it wasn't so bad, and that I really liked feeling active and feeling like I had control over something.

I was running for about a month when I realized I hadn't lost any weight, and was super frustrated by that. In August, I began attending a regular excercise class. In September, I finally bit the bullet and decided to talk with my doctor about all of this. I was very tempted to try some easy things like trying all the quick weight loss products I saw at the pharmacy, but that felt a little like cheating to me. As I began to talk with my doctor, I realized that no amount of exercise in the world would help me if I was taking in soda, sweets and fast food every day. I have slowly begun to change my eating habits, and have seen some positive things. Most notably, I have lost 15 pounds so far (it may be closer to 20 at this point), and I'm just generally healthier.

More importantly, here are things I've learned so far....

-I feel so much better about myself when I'm not eating junk.
-I feel so much better about myself when I'm active.
-Both of the above statements have reminded me that I have lived several patterns of just allowing bad habits to control me. It's been incredibly freeing to take control of those things.
-Any physical transformation that one goes through is directly linked to spiritual issues, in many ways. That's another blog post for another day.
-Losing weight is not always easy, but not as difficult as I thought it would be. However, just like any change, I've realized the importance of being committed to it. You have to just bite the bullet and decide you're going to do it.
-Sometimes starting small leads to the most significant change.

I still have a long way to go, but it's a start...

Another Update

Life has been full of busy and not so busy things. Workwise, it's been a jam-packed summer so far, but a pretty good one. Here's a quick update:

-I had a really great birthday at the beginning of June. My co-workers celebrated with me (and adequately embarrassed me, the Amachi mentees and mentors sang to me, and I had an awesome birthday dinner with close friends. And my mom sent me seasons 5-7 of the Gilmore Girls. Not bad.

-I'm going to Santa Monica next week to visit my brother, sister in law, and nephew. I can. not. WAIT! Looking forward to great family time on the beach. Plus, I am in major need of a vacation. Things in that department got majorly derailed last summer, so this has been a long-awaited week away.

-I started running last week. Keep in mind that I don't run for all that long or very fast, but at least I'm moving. I'm counting this past week as a success for the following reasons: 1. I have not died or even passed out and 2. I have found that I've looked forward to running every night. Also important to keep in mind that I absolutely do not like much about exercise. However, I've found that running with the pup helps and makes it fun.

-In dog-related news, I LOVE having a dog! Why did I wait so long to do this? He is super fun and really loving. It's fun having this little guy around the house and having a running buddy.

Simple Update

Here's a simple update on the happenings in my life....

What I'm reading these days:

• The Good and Beautiful God, by James Smith

I have been reading this book for the past month or so as part of a Bible Study I am in. So far, I have found this to be a fantastic book on understanding our relationship to God. This is the first in a series of three books based on Christian spiritual formation. So far, it's been a helpful read in reminding myself about who I am in relationship to God.

• Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons

I have been following the work of Rachel Simmons for about a year or so now. She has done a lot of research in the area of girl's development, and is also a life coach and trainer for young girls and women. She seems to specialize in areas of empowerment and self esteem for pre-teen and teen girls. This book researches the issue of how girls are equally aggressive to boys, but in different ways. For girls, aggression happens relationally. Instead of beating each other up, girls are more prone to gossip and withhold relationships as a means of dealing with conflict. Girls are taught at a young age that physical aggression is a boy's world, so they are forced to find other ways to handle conflict. This is a concept that I studied in seminary, and I'm finding it interesting to still be reading about this.


Work:

Work continues to be good and busy. Our staff has grown by a few members in the past year, and our program continues to increase, in both numbers and content. We've started doing events every month, have added new trainings, and we're continually trying to impact kids and families in Lexington. There are so many kids and moms I've come to love so much, while my heart breaks for so many of the stories I hear. I continue to be encouraged by so many amazing mentors, and I love how quickly they come to love these kids. In addition to the job, I'm also a mentor myself. It's been good for me to have more direct contact, and I love my mentee. I'm so proud of her...she's been through so much, but I can tell that she truly wants to be making good decisions and wants to succeed. She's recently started trying a lot harder in school, and I love getting to help her.

What I'm listening to:

I can't seem to get enough of The Avett Brothers. If anyone wants to get me any of their music or buy me tickets to a show, I wouldn't be opposed.

What I'm feeling:

antsy... to be outside once spring finally decides to stay for good.
hopeful...that I'll be able to take an actual vacation this year.
curious...about what the rest of this year will bring.
restless...to see God more fully, and to understand what it truly means to be a Kingdom person.

Things I'm thankful for:

forgiveness, encouragement from friends, pretty weather, new opportunities, a job that gives me the opportunity to experience and to serve, great co workers, perspective, words, hugs, God's protection, tears, movies, rest, challenges, seafood, orange leaf, creativity, hope, chances to start over, kids, smiles, laughs, ideas, excitement

What a difference a year can make...

I have found a tendency in myself to take inventory of my life based on what was going on at this time last year. I have found myself doing that a lot recently, mostly because last Advent was extremely stressful, and this year I am just in a different spot.

Last year at this time I had been offered a job in Boston and had no idea what to do. At that point, I have been job searching for about 18 months with only temporary jobs to show for the search. I had many versions of my resume, many interviews, and lots more rejections. By December of last year, I can say that I became decent at interviewing.

The day before I had to tell the church in Boston if I was going to accept their offer, my sweet friend Laura called to tell me about a local opportunity, working with a mentoring program at a non profit. What mad matters worse is that I had done research while at Asbury and had become excited about starting youth programs (with an emphasis on mentoring) for kids in need. As I continued to hear about this job, I realized this was EXACTLY what I wanted to do. The job in Boston was not exactly what I wanted to do, but would have been a good step into a vocational direction. Also, as someone who gets a thrill out of new experiences and places, I will admit that I was pretty pumped about living in Boston. So I was posed with a dilemma... do I take the job that is for sure, and risk a new city, new friends, and potential misery, OR do i take of leap with this new potential opportunity, not knowing if I will even get an interview? Additionally, I was not banking on getting the job, because my interview history did not guarantee me getting this job. a STRESSFUL situation indeed.

I talked to everyone I knew and trusted about what I should do. I received lots of different pieces of advice, which didn't help. Finally, I was sitting at my friend Jeana's house one night and we talked this to death. I realized that i just was not excited about this job, and it would probably only be transitional at best. I had already been in transition for a long time and was ready for something I could really sink my heart and soul in to.

I interviewed for the job with Amachi (the mentoring program) and hands down, the best interview I'd EVER had. I came out of that interview floating, knowing where I was supposed to be. However, I interviewed just prior to Christmas. I didn't hear anything about the interview for a couple of weeks, unsure if I was going to get a second interview. I was still working at my job at the time which had gone from bad to really bad to downright miserable. I waited and cried and tried my best to be patient, but was not great at that.

Finally, a week or so into the new year, I found myself sitting in a second interview. It was not long, but again...I felt confident. I didn't feel confident in an arrogant way (I had been very humbled by MANY rejections), but in a "this is where I am supposed to be" kind of way.

I then experienced a very few long days. One of those days found my weeping and sobbing because I was SO miserable at the current job, and getting blamed for things that were not my fault. I knew I was at a point that would involve me quitting that job whether I got the new one or not.

The next afternoon, I received a call from the CEO of the non profit. All his message said was, "This is ____. Give me a call when you can." At that point, I wasn't sure what to expect. I got home from work, ate dinner with Amy and Jeana, and practically had my cell phone stapled to my hand. We were talking and waiting for the phone to ring, when it finally did. I went downstairs and waited for the words I had been longing to hear for a LONG time: "Maggie, we would like to offer you a job on the Amachi team." It took all of my strength and self-discipline to not scream right then and there, but somehow managed to make it through the phone call with some assemblance of professionalism. I ran upstairs and Amy, Jeana and I screamed, hugged and made a ton of texts and phone calls.

I've been there since February 8th, 2010, and I still love it. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, and that God prepared me for this role. In addition, I feel that I continually have the opportunity to learn, grow and evolve in a safe place. I work with and for people who believe in me, and I have had the opportunity to make this my own and to put my whole self into this. I still have moments, probably about once every two weeks, where I find myself thinking, "I can't believe this is my job and that I *get* to work here." I think that's a good sign...

The past year has reminded me of God's faithfulness, kindness and promises. There are many times when I wonder..."where is God?" But then I remember. He's here. Sometimes He is found in the silence, and sometimes He is found in the obvious declaration of His glory.

In the past year I have begun to find a voice and have felt permission to use it. I have found more pieces of myself. I have found more confidence by being able to own what I have been called to do. I have found brokenness in the lives of those I enter in to. I have found hope through the inspiration of the volunteers I work with.

There are still goals and desires and things that I wish for. And this just makes me wonder what I will be able to say at this time next year.

Is it a broken system?

At the beginning of August, I had a seizure. This was not the first time I'd dealt with some sort of seizure activity; I was diagnosed as having a seizure disorder when I was in high school. However, I've never had one of this magnitude and it involved a trip to the E.R. and an overnight stay in the hospital. Since then, it's meant getting used to a new medicine and not driving for three months. All of these things are hassles to deal with, but certainly not impossible.

What has been more troubling since then have been the financial issues that have come up. Because this is considered a pre-existing condition (and I had about a year and a half of having no insurance at all, due to job things), guess who's got a lot of medical bills being sent to her house? That being said, almost none of this is being paid for by my insurance company.

This is not a blog about healthcare policy or politics; I am not informed enough to be able to share that. However, what these thoughts are about is my story. It's my story of having a chronic illness that I will more than likely always struggle with, and my constant struggles to deal with insurance companies. There is a deep frustration and constant anxiety that can accompany chronic medical problems. When issues flare up, one just wants to feel normal and to not feel helpless (epilepsy feels helpless in ways that I can't even begin to describe). One wants to not feel at the mercy of medicine and doctors, and the frustration can feel intense. And when insurance issues and medical bills are piled on top of that, things can feel near impossible.

The reason I share all this is basically to pose the question, "What do we do?" The system we have now does not seem to work for the majority of people I know. I have one friend who cannot get covered by any insurance company because her height and weight are not proportionate. I have thousands of dollars in medical bills at my house due to one night in the hospital. My thought is that there must be another way...I just don't know what it is. Is it a universal plan like other countries have? Is it Obama's plan? I have no idea.

I write this not to complain about what has happened, or to have people tell me what I should do. This is a problem that is much bigger than me or what I've dealt with. This is a problem that is so much bigger than my one hospital visit. This is a problem that very, very real and that affects everyone. In addition, I do feel that as Christians, this is something we need to take seriously, because I think this has spiritual implications. If we are called to take care of the poor, the homeless, the orphan, the widow, the sick, and those who need care, we need to figure out a better way of approaching healthcare issues.

I hate to bring up a problem and not offer a solution, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Thoughts welcome, but please be nice.

Heartbroken

Over the past week, I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in the excitement and in the game. The game of getting my job done, the game of increasing numbers, the game of getting us up to speed. Working under a grant can be like that-to continue with our program, there are certain goals we have to meet. We have to have a certain number of matches. And on one level, it's good for me. It pushes me. It gives me goals to work towards. However, within that there are times that it is easy to lose sight of the purpose: the individuals. We forget that within the numbers of kids we work with are stories. Stories of hurt. Stories of abandonment. Stories of confusion. Stories of loss.

Of course, in the midst of this, one of my jobs is to meet kids and their families. I think it's easy to become numb to the pain of the stories I hear. To forget to weep for the pain of the kids I meet. This week, I realized that I don't want that to happen. The pain I encounter should make me sad and angry. And the pain should move me.

I started praying this week a prayer that I have prayed before. I prayed that God would break my heart for the kids I work with.

And that happened this week.

Without going into too much detail, I was made aware of a family and of children in a situation that children should simply not be in. Promises broken, innocence taken. My heart was deeply saddened for these kids. And I thought about kids I saw in family court a couple of days ago. Girls who cannot live in their homes because their behavior is out of control. Girls who want to belong, but do not know how to make good decisions for a variety of reasons. At the end of the day, I can see the brokenness. I can see the pain. However, these kids try to mask it by trying to be much more adult than they actually are. And then they end up in court, ordered to live away from family because living at home isn't working for them.

I don't know the answer, but i do know that we are called to love the broken. We are called, as God's people, to care for the orphans. We are called to show what true love is.

The Prodigal God

I'm back. I would like to say that I will promise to write more here. Not necessarily for the benefit of anyone else (because I'm not sure that many read this), but more so for the benefit of myself. I used to really enjoy writing. I had things to say. I would like to still believe that I have things to say. But i digress. This will not be another useless post about how horrible it is that I haven't written in a long time.

What will this be about, you ask? I'm not sure yet. I could go in many directions. One direction might be my job. I'm the match specialist for a mentoring program for kids affected by incarceration. There are many, many stories there. Lots of heartache. Lots of pain. Frustration. Lots of "what is wrong with the world?" moments. There are also moments of joy, hope, redemption. That might be the easy post, because it's what i live with every day. However, I feel the need to get away from the job for the night. Don't get my wrong...loving what I am doing. It's an awesome job, and perfect for me. It's where I am supposed to be.

I'm thinking about contentment these days. I am not now, nor have i ever been, a content person. This really, really bothers me. It bothers me because I long to live in peace with myself, with God, with others. I long to be the kind of person who can not only live in peace, but can also offer peace to others. However, it's hard to live in peace if one is not content. Why am I not content? I have most of the things I desire. I have friends who I love and who love me deeply. I have a job that is rewarding and fulfilling, and work amongst incredibly encouraging co-workers. My needs are met. I am loved. Yet something feels...off. I have realized in myself a tendency towards the cynical...always anticipating the next difficult circumstance.

However, I have been reminded recently to just rest. Rest in who God is. Rest in who God created me to be. Rest in the joy of where God has brought me. When I was in Kindergarten, we had an award for the "best rester" at naptime. I rarely won that coveted blue ribbon. I was always squirming, moving, talking, giggling. Not much has changed. I am still struggling to understand how to rest.

But perhaps this is a struggle that we all face. If we were all able to truly rest in who God made us to be, we wouldn't fight against God by giving into temptation. We wouldn't fight against God by running to money and possessions for our security. We wouldn't fight against God by needing others to assure us of our worth. We wouldn't fight against God by trying to be perfect. If we are truly at rest with the Father, it seems as though we might also be at peace. And does this peace lead to trust? Or does trust lead to peace?

I am reading a FANTASTIC book right now, called The Prodigal God. The author claims that the story we typically know of as "the prodigal son" should really be called "the two lost sons." Prodigal means 'reckless spendthrift.' God spends all that He has on us, so the Father in the story is actually the prodigal, pouring himself onto his sons. Both of the sons are equally lost, each trying to find their own way in this world, instead of resting in the blessings of their father (the older son uses his morality and tradition, the younger uses self exploration). Both fight against the father, and don't understand what it means to rest.

The reality, however, is that we are loved unconditionally by God. He desires to bestow all that He has on us. We don't need to fight to receive the inheritance of the Father; it's there for the taking. I realize how simple and perhaps juvenile this sounds, but a statement that can be difficult to live in to.

As St. Augustine said, "Our heart is restless until it rests in You."

Waiting, Patience, Looking Forward

I've been praying for a certain something for almost a year and a half-for a job that i'm excited about (either a ministry or non profit job). I am more than happy to say that as of Thursday evening, I have been offered a position with the Lexington Leadership Foundation. I'll be working with Amachi, a mentoring program for children and youth whose parents are incarcerated. I am so, so excited about this new chapter of my life, and am anxious to get started.

The past few days have been filled with excitement, but more than that...a reminder of God's faithfulness. The waiting has seemed so long, sometimes impossible. I've wavered between feeling guilty about being impatient with the wait, and feeling frustrated over needing to wait and wanting life to move on. I've thought a lot about what phrases like "Trust God" and "Wait on God" truly mean.

As i've celebrated great news the past couple of days, i've thought so much about how sad and frustrating waiting can be...mostly because it's so difficult to see the big picture. however, i'm so reminded of how so many pieces had to be in place for this opportunity to work out. An opportunity that I feel passionate about, folks i am excited to work with, an organization that has values and a mission that I feel very on board with. This has taught me so much about not settling, and remembering that God always has our best in mind, even if it requires a wait. Saying that seems like a platitude, so simplisitic, but it's been a good reminder this week.

I'm so excited for the new that is ahead of me. Thanking God today for answered prayers.

Tough Decisions

My life has been a roller coaster the past couple of weeks, more so than usual. I decided to not take the Boston job, but have since interviewed for a job that i would LOVE to get. this would be one of my dream jobs. I think there would be several dream jobs for me...this is certainly on the top 5 list. I've heard through the grapevine that my interviewer liked me, so now i wait. and wait. (interviewing during the holiday season=not good for impatient types).

so for now...i attempt to be content with what is happening currently, do my best to not have everything figured out, and seek to enjoy this Christmas.

may God's blessings rest on all who enter here,
maggie

blog slacker

Dear sweet blog,

I'm sorry I have neglected you for so many months. you've done nothing to deserve it, yet i've been terrible to you. please accept my heartfelt apologies for ignoring you. i didn't mean to be a bad parent; it just sort of happened.

and, little blog, if you'd like an update on my life, here it is:

since march: finished up working at CAP. i like researching grants, but not great at writing them. perhaps i just need more experience. loved finding out about appalachian culture and the needs there. started work at an early learning center. i have an enormous affinity for several of my coworkers and families that i see, but have still been searching for a ministry or nonprofit job. been hanging out with the AMAZING people at St. Pat's, and trying my best to coordinate service stuff with LRM. best. church. ever. those summer months became fall, fall rolled into thanksgiving, and somehow, we are now 2 weeks away from Christmas. i'm still not sure how this happened. Did someone press a fast forward button?

but the biggest news is this: i've been offered a job at a church in Boston. i have some reservations about it, but sort of feeling like taking it. "the sort of feeling" changes from hour to hour. it's risky to take it, but risky to not take it at the same time. i hate the thought of leaving st. pat's... but i need to move on vocationally. i've visited the church, but still can't really tell if this church is a good fit for me.

Thanksgiving and Advent have snuck up on me so fast this year...so fast that i haven't taken the time to think about what it means to wait for the Savior.

with apologies for my slackerness,
maggie

Job and Other Happenings

It's been a busy couple of weeks...not a lot to say, with everything to say at the same time. First things first...

I have a job (for at least five weeks)! I am hoping that this position will extend past the five weeks, but i'm deciding to just take things one day at a time for now. I'll be working with CAP (Christian Appalachian Project), assisting with grant writing, research, things of that nature. This will be completely new for me, so I'm terrified and excited at the same time. Since my first mission trips several years back with Sonservants, I've actually thought about the possibility of going into "rural ministry," but didn't like the thought of being isolated. So I'm excited about the potential to serve those living in these types of communities, and finding creative ways to help them. PLUS, I am learning a new skill and i will be challenged in my daily work. I haven't really been challenged in my day to day "work" since I graduated from Asbury, so I am looking forward to this. I am really hoping for the chance to be creative in empowering and serving the needs of those that CAP works for. For the past couple of months I have been working a couple of part-time jobs (babysitting and working with an assisted living facility). I've enjoyed those relationships, but thankful to have something slightly more engaging. If you think about it, please pray for this-I would really like for this to extend past this initial five week contract.

In other news, my small group (we call ourselves a "priory") has decided to grow a garden together. I know next to nothing about gardening, but it always seems like a good idea to me... I've just never had the time, motivation, or know-how to tackle such a thing. Luckily other people are taking this on, and i'll be there to help... I'm excited about the thought of growing vegetables together, and having a shared project. I think that's how people grow together best, and I'm glad to get to be a part of this.

And speaking of my priory... I'm so thankful for the folks I've found at St. Patrick's. I am living with a family from the church, and have been incredredibly blessed by the friendships there. I've longed for ways to figure out intentional community for a long time, and I feel like I'm starting to see some of this played out. It's far from perfect, but I am so glad to be around like-minded people who possess both passion and boundaries. This is a good time in life-still healing from a somewhat tumultuous summer and fall, and feeling held by God and the people around me.

Happy Lent

As of yesterday, we entered into the season of Lent, the 40 days that lead up to Easter Sunday. There have been some years where I've been really conscientious about observing Lent, and others where it has slipped by me. Since I'm now at an Anglican church, I think that it would be near impossible for this to slip by me, and I see that as a good thing. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and was also the first day I prayed this prayer out of the prayer book:

Almighty and everlasting God,
you hate nothing that you have made
and forgive the sins of all those who are penitent:
create and make in us new and contrite hearts
that we, worthily lamenting our sins
and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may receive from you, the God of all mercy,
perfect remission and forgiveness;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I have now prayed this prayer a few times, and I find it moving, beautiful and piercing. I think Lent can be scary- we are called to remember that we are "but dust, and to dust we shall return." We're also called to take an inventory of our lives, to be penitent, contrite, repentent. We're called to remember our frailty as humans...hmm. Not always an upper. Understanding what it means to have a "contrite heart" is sometimes confusing, and it can easily be mistaken with self-loathing. However, I'm reminded through the words of this prayer that "God hates nothing He has made." We are called to be penitent and repentent not because God wants us to be sad, but in order to be closer to God and to become more like Him. We are called to let go of our sins so that we can more easily understand the fullness of God's love. When we hold on to sins, vices, and idols, we are blinded and kept from understanding the full, majestic, all-encompassing nature of God's love for us. As a parent keeps a child from making bad decisions and ushering the child into healthy behaviors, how much more does God do that for us? As we embrace lenten practices, may we understand how giving the things of this world up draw us closer to the Father's heart.