Not all who wander are lost

Gratitude

2011-11-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

"So," I asked 11-year old *Monique (name changed for confidential reasons), "What do you like about Thanksgiving?"

I was expecting an answer related to stuffing, pie, whipped cream, shopping, or having a couple of extra days of no school.

"I love that we have a day to think about all the little things we're thankful for, because we don't usually do that."

This was a conversation I had with one of the girls who was recently matched with a mentor in our program. I arrived at her home a few minutes early, and I was making small talk with this bright, mature young girl. I certainly didn't expect that answer, and it put a huge smile on my face. From the mouths of babes...

Thanksgiving Day 2011 has come and gone. In the weeks preceeding this annual day of feasting, I, like most people, tend to reflect on those things I am thankful for, since that is the nature of the holiday.

I find the word "thanksgiving" to be a difficult word, mostly because I believe that it has lost its power in this culture. We use this in conjunction with phrases like "counting blessings." When a clerk at a grocery store gives us our change, we say thank you, because it's common courtesy. When a loved one gives us a gift that is meaningful and impacts our lives, we also say thank you. Certainly these are at two ends of the spectrum. I believe that we should be grateful for both.... remembering to thank someone doing a job that serves us for little pay....and expressing gratitude for the acts of love that those closest to us display.

I believe in living a life of gratitude and remembering to thank God for His activity in our lives. I believe in the importance of reminding those close to us how much they mean. I believe that the practice of gratitude is a crucial spiritual practice. I had a seminary professor who shared once that, "Gratitude is the beginning of humility." Beautiful. When we truly practice gratitude, we are reminded that it is God who provides all things...not my own efforts. When I remember who my provider is, I am reminded that God takes care of all things, and that His grace truly is sufficient. When we practice gratitude, I am reminded that (from the words of the movie Rudy) that, "I know two things. God is God, and I am not."

And not only is practicing gratitude important, it's how we enter into the deepest part of God's heart...

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I believe that, for the most part, we live in a world where we don't remember to share with others how important they are to us. I just sometimes wish I had a word that had more depth and power to convey what it means to be utterly grateful and thankful.

I certainly don't want to be cliche, but I'm about to be. I am about to share the obligatory list of all that I am thankful for, because I believe this to be an important thing to remind myself of.

Today, I am thankful for...

*a family who loves me.* friends who encourage and believe in me.* good health, and steadily improving health.* the ability to improve health by doing easy and natural things.* renewed relationships* God's constant provision.* God's grace, especially in the midst of my mistakes.* new opportunities.* a job I love* co-workers who typically feel more like family than officemates.* my dog* beautiful Kentucky weather.* the hospitality of both friends and strangers.* never having to go without* having opportunities to impact this world in a positive way.* challenges.* wisdom*mentors* words* scripture* laughter.* tears.* music.* the ability to think.* medicine.* doctors.* good memories.* fun experiences.* the ability to continually learn.* hugs.* children.* life giving conversation.* exercise.* travel.*board games.* ice cream.* hot chocolate.* books.* movies.*inspiration.*perspective.* advice.* the faithful who have gone before me.* shared experiences.*

All Saints Day

2011-11-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

Today is the day in the year of the church calendar when many Christians celebrate All Saints Day. This is a day that is typically set aside for thinking about those mothers, father, brothers, and sisters in the faith that have gone before us and that are now enjoying the other side of eternity. It's a beautiful day, as being a Christian was never, ever meant to be a thing of isolation. Even when we practice solitude, we are doing it in celebration with the Church. After all, Jesus died not for just me or just you, but for His whole church.

Several months ago, I was at a one-day ministry conference at a local church here. One of the speakers talked about the importance of remembering certain people and times in our lives....the moment that we knew how loved we are by God, the moment we knew that we wanted to commit our lives to loving Jesus, the moment we knew that we were called to vocational ministry, etc.

As I reflected that day, I remember thinking about so many people and experiences that will forever mark my life. I thought about professors from college and other experiences from college that shaped my understanding that I was called to ministry in some shape or form (and ironically, the day of this conference was the day that my alma mater announced its closing. but that's a whole different can of worms...). I thought about family members (particularly my grandma, Evelyn Middleton) who prayed for me and reflected the love and passion of God to me, and encouraged me to give my life completely to God. I thought about so many other people I have been amazingly blessed to know... friends who love selflessly, married couples who have displayed for me what a Godly marriage looks like, ministry leaders and supervisors who have believed in me and shown me what a life of ministry looks like, peers in the same journey... the list goes on.

There's been a lot that has happened this week that I can't write about in a public space (hopefully in the next several weeks, though, I'll be at liberty to share), but these things have reminded me of God's calling on my life-and that it is never what I expect it to be. I've been reminded that our experiences of God are both dynamic and static...He is always the same, yet always revealing how He desires us to change and become more like Him. And it's been through the lives of the community and the lives of the saints in my own personal life that I've watched Him work so often.

Since I've started the journey of physical transformation, here's a verse I've been reflecting on a lot:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. -Hebrews 12:1-3

We are surrounded by the Holy Spirit and by His witnesses. These are reminders that God is forever with us, always working, always seeking to transform us into people who are intimately seeking His face and His Kingdom.

We're not alone.

What an unbelievable gift.

Loser

2011-10-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Most of the people who are close to me know about what I'll share here, but I haven't yet talked about this in a public forum. Part of it is because this is one of those areas of my life that is and always has been a weak spot, but it's starting to get stronger. It's something I've always been a bit embarrassed and sensitive about, so I try to not bring it up. However, I've recently made some strides, and I think it's ok to celebrate.

I've struggled with my weight and been on some spectrum of the heavy side my whole life. There were a few points in college when, without really trying, I did shed some pounds, basically through being really busy. However, I still ate junk all the time, so when I became less active, the pounds came back on.

By the time this past summer rolled around, I realized I was at my heaviest. I like having energy. I like feeling active. I like being around kids, and I like being able to play with them. I don't like getting out of breath from going up a flight of stairs. I don't like dealing with anger or other emotions through eating. I have some athletic and active friends and I want to be able to play soccer or tennis with them. I've always imagined myself as an active person, but I realize that I wasn't doing in reality what I imagined in my head.

Every few months, throughout my entire life, I would say, "This is the week I'll start. This is the week that things will change, and this is the year that I will finally lose this unwanted weight." And of course, it hasn't ever really happened. This past May, I decided to adopt a dog from the humane society. Most of my reasons were the normal ones.... I've always liked dogs, it seemed like a fun idea, etc. However, in the back of my mind I also realized that, since I don't have a fenced-in back yard, this would force me to walk every day, whether I wanted to or not.
I started walking my sweet dog, but only for short distances, without losing any weight.

In all of my wisdom, I decided that the heat of a Kentucky July would be a great time to start running. Of course, I have never been a runner, nor do I enjoy running, but why not.... I began running once a day or every other day while Abner and I went out for a walk. I discovered that it wasn't so bad, and that I really liked feeling active and feeling like I had control over something.

I was running for about a month when I realized I hadn't lost any weight, and was super frustrated by that. In August, I began attending a regular excercise class. In September, I finally bit the bullet and decided to talk with my doctor about all of this. I was very tempted to try some easy things like trying all the quick weight loss products I saw at the pharmacy, but that felt a little like cheating to me. As I began to talk with my doctor, I realized that no amount of exercise in the world would help me if I was taking in soda, sweets and fast food every day. I have slowly begun to change my eating habits, and have seen some positive things. Most notably, I have lost 15 pounds so far (it may be closer to 20 at this point), and I'm just generally healthier.

More importantly, here are things I've learned so far....

-I feel so much better about myself when I'm not eating junk.
-I feel so much better about myself when I'm active.
-Both of the above statements have reminded me that I have lived several patterns of just allowing bad habits to control me. It's been incredibly freeing to take control of those things.
-Any physical transformation that one goes through is directly linked to spiritual issues, in many ways. That's another blog post for another day.
-Losing weight is not always easy, but not as difficult as I thought it would be. However, just like any change, I've realized the importance of being committed to it. You have to just bite the bullet and decide you're going to do it.
-Sometimes starting small leads to the most significant change.

I still have a long way to go, but it's a start...

Another Update

2011-07-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Life has been full of busy and not so busy things. Workwise, it's been a jam-packed summer so far, but a pretty good one. Here's a quick update:

-I had a really great birthday at the beginning of June. My co-workers celebrated with me (and adequately embarrassed me, the Amachi mentees and mentors sang to me, and I had an awesome birthday dinner with close friends. And my mom sent me seasons 5-7 of the Gilmore Girls. Not bad.

-I'm going to Santa Monica next week to visit my brother, sister in law, and nephew. I can. not. WAIT! Looking forward to great family time on the beach. Plus, I am in major need of a vacation. Things in that department got majorly derailed last summer, so this has been a long-awaited week away.

-I started running last week. Keep in mind that I don't run for all that long or very fast, but at least I'm moving. I'm counting this past week as a success for the following reasons: 1. I have not died or even passed out and 2. I have found that I've looked forward to running every night. Also important to keep in mind that I absolutely do not like much about exercise. However, I've found that running with the pup helps and makes it fun.

-In dog-related news, I LOVE having a dog! Why did I wait so long to do this? He is super fun and really loving. It's fun having this little guy around the house and having a running buddy.

Simple Update

2011-04-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a simple update on the happenings in my life....

What I'm reading these days:

The Good and Beautiful God, by James Smith

I have been reading this book for the past month or so as part of a Bible Study I am in. So far, I have found this to be a fantastic book on understanding our relationship to God. This is the first in a series of three books based on Christian spiritual formation. So far, it's been a helpful read in reminding myself about who I am in relationship to God.

Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons

I have been following the work of Rachel Simmons for about a year or so now. She has done a lot of research in the area of girl's development, and is also a life coach and trainer for young girls and women. She seems to specialize in areas of empowerment and self esteem for pre-teen and teen girls. This book researches the issue of how girls are equally aggressive to boys, but in different ways. For girls, aggression happens relationally. Instead of beating each other up, girls are more prone to gossip and withhold relationships as a means of dealing with conflict. Girls are taught at a young age that physical aggression is a boy's world, so they are forced to find other ways to handle conflict. This is a concept that I studied in seminary, and I'm finding it interesting to still be reading about this.

Work:

Work continues to be good and busy. Our staff has grown by a few members in the past year, and our program continues to increase, in both numbers and content. We've started doing events every month, have added new trainings, and we're continually trying to impact kids and families in Lexington. There are so many kids and moms I've come to love so much, while my heart breaks for so many of the stories I hear. I continue to be encouraged by so many amazing mentors, and I love how quickly they come to love these kids. In addition to the job, I'm also a mentor myself. It's been good for me to have more direct contact, and I love my mentee. I'm so proud of her...she's been through so much, but I can tell that she truly wants to be making good decisions and wants to succeed. She's recently started trying a lot harder in school, and I love getting to help her.

What I'm listening to:

I can't seem to get enough of The Avett Brothers. If anyone wants to get me any of their music or buy me tickets to a show, I wouldn't be opposed.

What I'm feeling:

antsy... to be outside once spring finally decides to stay for good.
hopeful...that I'll be able to take an actual vacation this year.
curious...about what the rest of this year will bring.
restless...to see God more fully, and to understand what it truly means to be a Kingdom person.

Things I'm thankful for:

forgiveness, encouragement from friends, pretty weather, new opportunities, a job that gives me the opportunity to experience and to serve, great co workers, perspective, words, hugs, God's protection, tears, movies, rest, challenges, seafood, orange leaf, creativity, hope, chances to start over, kids, smiles, laughs, ideas, excitement

What a difference a year can make...

2010-12-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

I have found a tendency in myself to take inventory of my life based on what was going on at this time last year. I have found myself doing that a lot recently, mostly because last Advent was extremely stressful, and this year I am just in a different spot.

Last year at this time I had been offered a job in Boston and had no idea what to do. At that point, I have been job searching for about 18 months with only temporary jobs to show for the search. I had many versions of my resume, many interviews, and lots more rejections. By December of last year, I can say that I became decent at interviewing.

The day before I had to tell the church in Boston if I was going to accept their offer, my sweet friend Laura called to tell me about a local opportunity, working with a mentoring program at a non profit. What mad matters worse is that I had done research while at Asbury and had become excited about starting youth programs (with an emphasis on mentoring) for kids in need. As I continued to hear about this job, I realized this was EXACTLY what I wanted to do. The job in Boston was not exactly what I wanted to do, but would have been a good step into a vocational direction. Also, as someone who gets a thrill out of new experiences and places, I will admit that I was pretty pumped about living in Boston. So I was posed with a dilemma... do I take the job that is for sure, and risk a new city, new friends, and potential misery, OR do i take of leap with this new potential opportunity, not knowing if I will even get an interview? Additionally, I was not banking on getting the job, because my interview history did not guarantee me getting this job. a STRESSFUL situation indeed.

I talked to everyone I knew and trusted about what I should do. I received lots of different pieces of advice, which didn't help. Finally, I was sitting at my friend Jeana's house one night and we talked this to death. I realized that i just was not excited about this job, and it would probably only be transitional at best. I had already been in transition for a long time and was ready for something I could really sink my heart and soul in to.

I interviewed for the job with Amachi (the mentoring program) and hands down, the best interview I'd EVER had. I came out of that interview floating, knowing where I was supposed to be. However, I interviewed just prior to Christmas. I didn't hear anything about the interview for a couple of weeks, unsure if I was going to get a second interview. I was still working at my job at the time which had gone from bad to really bad to downright miserable. I waited and cried and tried my best to be patient, but was not great at that.

Finally, a week or so into the new year, I found myself sitting in a second interview. It was not long, but again...I felt confident. I didn't feel confident in an arrogant way (I had been very humbled by MANY rejections), but in a "this is where I am supposed to be" kind of way.

I then experienced a very few long days. One of those days found my weeping and sobbing because I was SO miserable at the current job, and getting blamed for things that were not my fault. I knew I was at a point that would involve me quitting that job whether I got the new one or not.

The next afternoon, I received a call from the CEO of the non profit. All his message said was, "This is ____. Give me a call when you can." At that point, I wasn't sure what to expect. I got home from work, ate dinner with Amy and Jeana, and practically had my cell phone stapled to my hand. We were talking and waiting for the phone to ring, when it finally did. I went downstairs and waited for the words I had been longing to hear for a LONG time: "Maggie, we would like to offer you a job on the Amachi team." It took all of my strength and self-discipline to not scream right then and there, but somehow managed to make it through the phone call with some assemblance of professionalism. I ran upstairs and Amy, Jeana and I screamed, hugged and made a ton of texts and phone calls.

I've been there since February 8th, 2010, and I still love it. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, and that God prepared me for this role. In addition, I feel that I continually have the opportunity to learn, grow and evolve in a safe place. I work with and for people who believe in me, and I have had the opportunity to make this my own and to put my whole self into this. I still have moments, probably about once every two weeks, where I find myself thinking, "I can't believe this is my job and that I *get* to work here." I think that's a good sign...

The past year has reminded me of God's faithfulness, kindness and promises. There are many times when I wonder..."where is God?" But then I remember. He's here. Sometimes He is found in the silence, and sometimes He is found in the obvious declaration of His glory.

In the past year I have begun to find a voice and have felt permission to use it. I have found more pieces of myself. I have found more confidence by being able to own what I have been called to do. I have found brokenness in the lives of those I enter in to. I have found hope through the inspiration of the volunteers I work with.

There are still goals and desires and things that I wish for. And this just makes me wonder what I will be able to say at this time next year.

Is it a broken system?

2010-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of August, I had a seizure. This was not the first time I'd dealt with some sort of seizure activity; I was diagnosed as having a seizure disorder when I was in high school. However, I've never had one of this magnitude and it involved a trip to the E.R. and an overnight stay in the hospital. Since then, it's meant getting used to a new medicine and not driving for three months. All of these things are hassles to deal with, but certainly not impossible.

What has been more troubling since then have been the financial issues that have come up. Because this is considered a pre-existing condition (and I had about a year and a half of having no insurance at all, due to job things), guess who's got a lot of medical bills being sent to her house? That being said, almost none of this is being paid for by my insurance company.

This is not a blog about healthcare policy or politics; I am not informed enough to be able to share that. However, what these thoughts are about is my story. It's my story of having a chronic illness that I will more than likely always struggle with, and my constant struggles to deal with insurance companies. There is a deep frustration and constant anxiety that can accompany chronic medical problems. When issues flare up, one just wants to feel normal and to not feel helpless (epilepsy feels helpless in ways that I can't even begin to describe). One wants to not feel at the mercy of medicine and doctors, and the frustration can feel intense. And when insurance issues and medical bills are piled on top of that, things can feel near impossible.

The reason I share all this is basically to pose the question, "What do we do?" The system we have now does not seem to work for the majority of people I know. I have one friend who cannot get covered by any insurance company because her height and weight are not proportionate. I have thousands of dollars in medical bills at my house due to one night in the hospital. My thought is that there must be another way...I just don't know what it is. Is it a universal plan like other countries have? Is it Obama's plan? I have no idea.

I write this not to complain about what has happened, or to have people tell me what I should do. This is a problem that is much bigger than me or what I've dealt with. This is a problem that is so much bigger than my one hospital visit. This is a problem that very, very real and that affects everyone. In addition, I do feel that as Christians, this is something we need to take seriously, because I think this has spiritual implications. If we are called to take care of the poor, the homeless, the orphan, the widow, the sick, and those who need care, we need to figure out a better way of approaching healthcare issues.

I hate to bring up a problem and not offer a solution, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Thoughts welcome, but please be nice.

Heartbroken

2010-05-27T15:00:00.001-07:00

Over the past week, I've realized how easy it is to get caught up in the excitement and in the game. The game of getting my job done, the game of increasing numbers, the game of getting us up to speed. Working under a grant can be like that-to continue with our program, there are certain goals we have to meet. We have to have a certain number of matches. And on one level, it's good for me. It pushes me. It gives me goals to work towards. However, within that there are times that it is easy to lose sight of the purpose: the individuals. We forget that within the numbers of kids we work with are stories. Stories of hurt. Stories of abandonment. Stories of confusion. Stories of loss.

Of course, in the midst of this, one of my jobs is to meet kids and their families. I think it's easy to become numb to the pain of the stories I hear. To forget to weep for the pain of the kids I meet. This week, I realized that I don't want that to happen. The pain I encounter should make me sad and angry. And the pain should move me.

I started praying this week a prayer that I have prayed before. I prayed that God would break my heart for the kids I work with.

And that happened this week.

Without going into too much detail, I was made aware of a family and of children in a situation that children should simply not be in. Promises broken, innocence taken. My heart was deeply saddened for these kids. And I thought about kids I saw in family court a couple of days ago. Girls who cannot live in their homes because their behavior is out of control. Girls who want to belong, but do not know how to make good decisions for a variety of reasons. At the end of the day, I can see the brokenness. I can see the pain. However, these kids try to mask it by trying to be much more adult than they actually are. And then they end up in court, ordered to live away from family because living at home isn't working for them.

I don't know the answer, but i do know that we are called to love the broken. We are called, as God's people, to care for the orphans. We are called to show what true love is.

The Prodigal God

2010-05-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I would like to say that I will promise to write more here. Not necessarily for the benefit of anyone else (because I'm not sure that many read this), but more so for the benefit of myself. I used to really enjoy writing. I had things to say. I would like to still believe that I have things to say. But i digress. This will not be another useless post about how horrible it is that I haven't written in a long time.

What will this be about, you ask? I'm not sure yet. I could go in many directions. One direction might be my job. I'm the match specialist for a mentoring program for kids affected by incarceration. There are many, many stories there. Lots of heartache. Lots of pain. Frustration. Lots of "what is wrong with the world?" moments. There are also moments of joy, hope, redemption. That might be the easy post, because it's what i live with every day. However, I feel the need to get away from the job for the night. Don't get my wrong...loving what I am doing. It's an awesome job, and perfect for me. It's where I am supposed to be.

I'm thinking about contentment these days. I am not now, nor have i ever been, a content person. This really, really bothers me. It bothers me because I long to live in peace with myself, with God, with others. I long to be the kind of person who can not only live in peace, but can also offer peace to others. However, it's hard to live in peace if one is not content. Why am I not content? I have most of the things I desire. I have friends who I love and who love me deeply. I have a job that is rewarding and fulfilling, and work amongst incredibly encouraging co-workers. My needs are met. I am loved. Yet something feels...off. I have realized in myself a tendency towards the cynical...always anticipating the next difficult circumstance.

However, I have been reminded recently to just rest. Rest in who God is. Rest in who God created me to be. Rest in the joy of where God has brought me. When I was in Kindergarten, we had an award for the "best rester" at naptime. I rarely won that coveted blue ribbon. I was always squirming, moving, talking, giggling. Not much has changed. I am still struggling to understand how to rest.

But perhaps this is a struggle that we all face. If we were all able to truly rest in who God made us to be, we wouldn't fight against God by giving into temptation. We wouldn't fight against God by running to money and possessions for our security. We wouldn't fight against God by needing others to assure us of our worth. We wouldn't fight against God by trying to be perfect. If we are truly at rest with the Father, it seems as though we might also be at peace. And does this peace lead to trust? Or does trust lead to peace?

I am reading a FANTASTIC book right now, called The Prodigal God. The author claims that the story we typically know of as "the prodigal son" should really be called "the two lost sons." Prodigal means 'reckless spendthrift.' God spends all that He has on us, so the Father in the story is actually the prodigal, pouring himself onto his sons. Both of the sons are equally lost, each trying to find their own way in this world, instead of resting in the blessings of their father (the older son uses his morality and tradition, the younger uses self exploration). Both fight against the father, and don't understand what it means to rest.

The reality, however, is that we are loved unconditionally by God. He desires to bestow all that He has on us. We don't need to fight to receive the inheritance of the Father; it's there for the taking. I realize how simple and perhaps juvenile this sounds, but a statement that can be difficult to live in to.

As St. Augustine said, "Our heart is restless until it rests in You."

Waiting, Patience, Looking Forward

2010-01-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

I've been praying for a certain something for almost a year and a half-for a job that i'm excited about (either a ministry or non profit job). I am more than happy to say that as of Thursday evening, I have been offered a position with the Lexington Leadership Foundation. I'll be working with Amachi, a mentoring program for children and youth whose parents are incarcerated. I am so, so excited about this new chapter of my life, and am anxious to get started.

The past few days have been filled with excitement, but more than that...a reminder of God's faithfulness. The waiting has seemed so long, sometimes impossible. I've wavered between feeling guilty about being impatient with the wait, and feeling frustrated over needing to wait and wanting life to move on. I've thought a lot about what phrases like "Trust God" and "Wait on God" truly mean.

As i've celebrated great news the past couple of days, i've thought so much about how sad and frustrating waiting can be...mostly because it's so difficult to see the big picture. however, i'm so reminded of how so many pieces had to be in place for this opportunity to work out. An opportunity that I feel passionate about, folks i am excited to work with, an organization that has values and a mission that I feel very on board with. This has taught me so much about not settling, and remembering that God always has our best in mind, even if it requires a wait. Saying that seems like a platitude, so simplisitic, but it's been a good reminder this week.

I'm so excited for the new that is ahead of me. Thanking God today for answered prayers.

Tough Decisions

2009-12-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

My life has been a roller coaster the past couple of weeks, more so than usual. I decided to not take the Boston job, but have since interviewed for a job that i would LOVE to get. this would be one of my dream jobs. I think there would be several dream jobs for me...this is certainly on the top 5 list. I've heard through the grapevine that my interviewer liked me, so now i wait. and wait. (interviewing during the holiday season=not good for impatient types).

so for now...i attempt to be content with what is happening currently, do my best to not have everything figured out, and seek to enjoy this Christmas.

may God's blessings rest on all who enter here,
maggie

blog slacker

2009-12-12T08:52:00.000-08:00

Dear sweet blog,

I'm sorry I have neglected you for so many months. you've done nothing to deserve it, yet i've been terrible to you. please accept my heartfelt apologies for ignoring you. i didn't mean to be a bad parent; it just sort of happened.

and, little blog, if you'd like an update on my life, here it is:

since march: finished up working at CAP. i like researching grants, but not great at writing them. perhaps i just need more experience. loved finding out about appalachian culture and the needs there. started work at an early learning center. i have an enormous affinity for several of my coworkers and families that i see, but have still been searching for a ministry or nonprofit job. been hanging out with the AMAZING people at St. Pat's, and trying my best to coordinate service stuff with LRM. best. church. ever. those summer months became fall, fall rolled into thanksgiving, and somehow, we are now 2 weeks away from Christmas. i'm still not sure how this happened. Did someone press a fast forward button?

but the biggest news is this: i've been offered a job at a church in Boston. i have some reservations about it, but sort of feeling like taking it. "the sort of feeling" changes from hour to hour. it's risky to take it, but risky to not take it at the same time. i hate the thought of leaving st. pat's... but i need to move on vocationally. i've visited the church, but still can't really tell if this church is a good fit for me.

Thanksgiving and Advent have snuck up on me so fast this year...so fast that i haven't taken the time to think about what it means to wait for the Savior.

with apologies for my slackerness,
maggie

Job and Other Happenings

2009-03-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks...not a lot to say, with everything to say at the same time. First things first...

I have a job (for at least five weeks)! I am hoping that this position will extend past the five weeks, but i'm deciding to just take things one day at a time for now. I'll be working with CAP (Christian Appalachian Project), assisting with grant writing, research, things of that nature. This will be completely new for me, so I'm terrified and excited at the same time. Since my first mission trips several years back with Sonservants, I've actually thought about the possibility of going into "rural ministry," but didn't like the thought of being isolated. So I'm excited about the potential to serve those living in these types of communities, and finding creative ways to help them. PLUS, I am learning a new skill and i will be challenged in my daily work. I haven't really been challenged in my day to day "work" since I graduated from Asbury, so I am looking forward to this. I am really hoping for the chance to be creative in empowering and serving the needs of those that CAP works for. For the past couple of months I have been working a couple of part-time jobs (babysitting and working with an assisted living facility). I've enjoyed those relationships, but thankful to have something slightly more engaging. If you think about it, please pray for this-I would really like for this to extend past this initial five week contract.

In other news, my small group (we call ourselves a "priory") has decided to grow a garden together. I know next to nothing about gardening, but it always seems like a good idea to me... I've just never had the time, motivation, or know-how to tackle such a thing. Luckily other people are taking this on, and i'll be there to help... I'm excited about the thought of growing vegetables together, and having a shared project. I think that's how people grow together best, and I'm glad to get to be a part of this.

And speaking of my priory... I'm so thankful for the folks I've found at St. Patrick's. I am living with a family from the church, and have been incredredibly blessed by the friendships there. I've longed for ways to figure out intentional community for a long time, and I feel like I'm starting to see some of this played out. It's far from perfect, but I am so glad to be around like-minded people who possess both passion and boundaries. This is a good time in life-still healing from a somewhat tumultuous summer and fall, and feeling held by God and the people around me.

Happy Lent

2009-02-26T11:48:00.001-08:00

As of yesterday, we entered into the season of Lent, the 40 days that lead up to Easter Sunday. There have been some years where I've been really conscientious about observing Lent, and others where it has slipped by me. Since I'm now at an Anglican church, I think that it would be near impossible for this to slip by me, and I see that as a good thing. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and was also the first day I prayed this prayer out of the prayer book:

Almighty and everlasting God,
you hate nothing that you have made
and forgive the sins of all those who are penitent:
create and make in us new and contrite hearts
that we, worthily lamenting our sins
and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may receive from you, the God of all mercy,
perfect remission and forgiveness;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I have now prayed this prayer a few times, and I find it moving, beautiful and piercing. I think Lent can be scary- we are called to remember that we are "but dust, and to dust we shall return." We're also called to take an inventory of our lives, to be penitent, contrite, repentent. We're called to remember our frailty as humans...hmm. Not always an upper. Understanding what it means to have a "contrite heart" is sometimes confusing, and it can easily be mistaken with self-loathing. However, I'm reminded through the words of this prayer that "God hates nothing He has made." We are called to be penitent and repentent not because God wants us to be sad, but in order to be closer to God and to become more like Him. We are called to let go of our sins so that we can more easily understand the fullness of God's love. When we hold on to sins, vices, and idols, we are blinded and kept from understanding the full, majestic, all-encompassing nature of God's love for us. As a parent keeps a child from making bad decisions and ushering the child into healthy behaviors, how much more does God do that for us? As we embrace lenten practices, may we understand how giving the things of this world up draw us closer to the Father's heart.

Ice and Hospitality

2009-01-29T13:08:00.000-08:00

What a crazy week this has been! Here in the bluegrass we've been hit with an icestorm and the majority of folks I know are without power (yours truly included). So for the past two days my friend Jeana has been gracious to let me hang out with her. When I take a look outside, it's absolutely beautiful...the way the white light catches on the bare trees-it's peaceful, serene. but with that peace comes headaches... no power, no heat, the hour it took me to scrape off my car, the multiple times i've gotten stuck. hmm. but it is really quite beautiful.

Yesterday, while a bit frustrating, was a really great day. I had two different people call me to see if I was OK within about 10 minutes of each other. At first I was determined to stay in my house...i thought for sure it wouldn't be that bad. However, after a little coercing I realized I should take these folks up on their offers. It was beautiful to me yesterday to see these folks from my church community all calling to check on one another. Such a simple act. But I felt loved. Cared for. And yesterday and last night turned out to be a really fun night... Jeana cooked lunch AND dinner for me, we watched a chic flick, Hannah brought us dessert, Raven and Donnie stopped in to say hi, and then we played bananagrams. Definitely not a bad way to spend a cold night!

Ironically, as I have found myself on the receiving end of some very loving hospitality this week, I have been reading a book on the very subject. It is written from the benedictine view of what Christian hospitality is meant to look like, and it is a very, very good read.

A quote from the introduction: "By accepting someone, we do what seems to be a small, ordinary thing. A single act would seem to be small anyway, but little acts of giving, one upon another, pile up to create a huge force capable of repelling darkness and transforming the world. A friendly conversation with a stranger at a bus stop can be the embodiment of hospitality. When we accept a human being, we are fostering the kind of hospitality that will change everything. When we build a life of acceptance, we build a new kind of kingdom among us." (-Radical Hospitality, Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt)

Being genuinely kind to others and making space for them is what hospitality is about. Seeking to see the presence of God in those who interact in our lives is the essence of this word. When we find ways to reach out, we offer hope. By engaging in true, Christian, Spirit-filled hospitality, we remind each other what Jesus looks like. As Homan and Pratt shared, when we seek to make space for others in our lives, we aren't just being nice, but we are seeking to repel the darkness of this world.

Advent

2008-12-03T18:13:00.001-08:00

I love advent. I normally get somewhat annoyed with typical Christmas-type things- feeling the pressure of finding gifts for those I love, way too many people at stores and in parking lots, feeling busy when I would like quiet. But when I do give myself the permission to really focus on Advent...wow, what a beautiful picture.

I love that the season of Advent reminds us to stop. wait. listen. prepare. anticipate. We wait with longing hearts for the Savior, and we remember what it means that Christ has come. In the darkness of this world, of our personal lives, and even our own hearts, we remember that One has come to pierce the darkness with the brightest light possible. It is in waiting, in being quiet, that we understand ourselves, our need for Christ, and what it is that God has done for His people.

I think that Advent might be particularly significant for me this year, as I've been in a season of waiting for a few months. For multiple reasons, my life has been a rollercoaster for a while now. I graduated from Asbury and am still looking for a job. My season of being in school is over and I'm still trying to answer that "what's next" question. I don't know the answer. Other things in my life changed earlier this fall (in ways that I did not expect, but the change was necessary), and I am still processing through a lot of it. There are many ways in which I tend to be a perfectionist, and I've put pressure on myself to have it all figured out.

As I've entered into Advent, I've realized that it is ok to wait. It is ok to not have life figured out, and it is ok to not always be happy. It is ok to need other people and to need God. In fact, it's necessary as a Christian disciple to need others and God.

So I wait in joyful anticipation, in more ways that one.

What's The Problem?

2008-11-02T19:36:00.001-08:00

My friend Erin and I have been throwing around the idea of starting a non profit for the past year or so. We want to start said non profit to help impact the lives of middle school and high school girls who struggle with self esteem. We're nowhere near being able to launch anything, but we're trying to research the situation. And from my own experience (both with my own personal story, with the stories of my female friends, women I run across, and young girls I happen to know currently), low self esteem is crippling. At times it certainly has been true in my own life.

As Erin and I have talked about what we feel called to do, we've started asking the question, "So what's the problem?" What's the REAL problem here? Is it that young women aren't empowered or don't have enough role models? Is it that most grown women still aren't able to walk with healthy amounts of self esteem? Is it pressure from society to just be too many things? Is it that we have an inability to truly believe that the God of the universe loves us and believes in us? I certainly have my thoughts, but they're still jumbled. I just know that I hate how I sometimes see myself, and the struggles I see most girls and women battling in this area.

And what is it that self-esteem does to us? I believe that it cripples us, and it keeps us from being the best versions of ourselves. It keeps us from being who God truly desires us to be. God is not honored when we deprecate His creation...whether that be a towering redwood, a brilliant flower, the elderly woman next door, or myself. By honoring God's creation...ALL of His creation, I am able to praise the God who so lovingly created me.

I often wonder if part of the problem is in really, really messed up standards. I have been reading through the book of 1 John recently, and today's passage hit me hard, especially as I think about how I often enter into the practice of self-loathing:

"Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." (1 John 1: 15-17)

The standards we see on TV, in the media, from peers shares a standard that tells individuals that in order to be loved and accepted we must look a certain way, have a specific body type, and present a certain image of ourselves. I have been reminded all day of the power of refusing to give in to this... to seek the things of God's Kingdom, and not of this world. As I think about how to respond to my own areas of feeling insufficient, and in turn, of how to best love others struggling with honoring the beauty of their own creation, I am reminded that God has standards, beauty, and desires that are completely contrary to what this fallen world offers.

So often the "easy" thing is to find our identity in the people around us, our immediate community, or the culture at large. Those things tell us right away if we are beautiful or not, if we are right or wrong, if what we present is acceptable. However, this passage tells us that we simply cannot trust the things of this world (even if that might be the easy thing to do). We are called, instead, to identify with God and His values... very different from what the culture around us has to offer.

Roots and New Directions

2008-09-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have started attending a new church. This particular faith community is an anglican church, and I've found that I like it a lot. After the first week, I wasn't sure if i'd come back. But then I did return, and now I'm excited to return today. My initial hesitations were multiple, but one was because it is, in fact, anglican. As someone who grew up in a very small Episcopalian church and experienced the ritual of liturgy every Sunday of my life for 18+ years, I never expected to willingly return to this setting. My formative years weren't bad, just devoid of understanding the transforming power of Jesus Christ. I was loved by many surrogate grandparents, but left without an understanding of why it was so important that we did what we did.

And now, here I am. Sitting among a small, anglican worship gathering repeating the same exact liturgy that I did as my 8-year old self. Part of me wants to run far, but most of me feels like something is getting connected. The dots in my 12-year old brain are suddenly connecting to the passions of my 30-year old persona. It's a bit like coming home in a way, but in a new, "ahh, i get it now" kind of way. In a fuller, more complete way.

I'm an Aunt!

2008-08-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say congrats to my brother and sister-in-law... their son (and my nephew!) is now here among us! He was born yesterday (August 5th) at 7:53 p.m. Apparently a long labor, but everyone is healthy. To my nephew, your Aunt Maggie is very excited to meet you! And to Randall and Melissa... congratulations!

At Long Last

2008-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

At long last, I am returning to the blogging world. Countless times since April I have logged in to my account and started to write a post, only to have been struck with insane writer's block. And that has been frustrating, because I have had much to say, but have not known how to articulate myself. But alas, at long last, here I am again. So, for the two people who read this, I am back in all my glory.

Since it's been so long, I'll just give an update on my recent state of being.

CPE. I have been spending my weeks doing my CPE. For those who don't know what this is, it's basically an internship. Yes, this summer I've had the privilege of paying to work. awesome, right? Actually, it's been a good experience for the most part-better than I had prepared myself for. I had many, many people telling me how horrendous this experience would be. The worst part really was needing to wake up much earlier than I would like once a week, and needing to reflect about EVERY SINGLE PART of my life for 9 straight hours on Mondays. However, I will say that God answered my prayers and gave me a really great group of folks to be with. In addition, i prayed a lot that this would be a good, life-giving experience, and I am walking away feeling encouraged. Thanks, God. You are always faithful! Next Monday will be my last class, and I am ready to be done, but thankful for a good experience.
In addition to the class aspect of CPE, I have been working about 20-25 hours a week with the church. I've been working with the youth ministry and have been visiting our homebound church members. Both projects have been really amazing...we've had lunch for our kids at the church twice a week, which has been super cool. We eat food (donated to us by God's Pantry!), we have a short devotional time, and then play kickball. It's been such a sweet time just to BE with the kids. Our kids have grown closer to each other, the leaders, and to God. and just by being together. We haven't put on a flashy program... we're just offering a time to be together. simple, but profound. when we are together, we pray. we eat. we play. we laugh. sometimes the kids get mad. sometimes i get frustrated. but i believe through this that we are being what the Church is meant to be. and we've seen fruit....again, thanks God for your amazing faithfulness for our meager efforts!
And homebound visits.... amazing. I've learned so much, and met some of the most incredibly devoted followers of Christ. Most of these folks have been members of the church for 50 years or more...have been there through thick and thin. I've gotten to hear stories, bring communion, offer prayers, and get to know some saintly people. I've found out more about the church from these conversations in just a couple of months than in the three years I've been there.

Aunthood. Melissa's water broke today.... and I will soon have the joy of offically being an aunt. I can't wait to meet my nephew... we've waited so long to meet this little guy. I hope he likes us, because we're all pretty pumped about him. And melissa is amazing... doing a completely natural birth at home. What a rockstar.

"What are you doing next?" I am beginning to loathe this question. My free time is spent job searching, and I don't know where I'll be, and it's scary. Plain and simple. I am hoping to be involved with an amazing ministry somewhere, but not sure where that is yet. So, if you are reading... pray for this job search. There are times that I'm excited about what's next, and times that I am just plain clueless and scared. But I'm trusting that God has something amazing... and trusting that God will use me for crazy and lifechanging things.

Free time. I have recently been introduced to the joy that is Anne of Green Gables. Simply thrilling and simple. And I am loving reading a book that I picked out on my own... something that is not about theology... and i think, "how did i NOT read this as a child?"

that is all.

Just Have Faith!

2008-04-10T14:36:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking a lot recently about what it means to 'have' faith. we talk about faith and the Christian experience in very possessive terms, and i wonder if this is correct. perhaps in some ways it is. but if we're not careful, our faith becomes only about 'me,' and how i feel, what i feel God calling me to do, and we forget to think about others in relationship to faith. and that's funny... because the whole nature of who Jesus was had to do with self-sacrifice, and of serving others. He was brought into this world and left it in the must humble ways possible...humility for the sake of humanity. and so i struggle with some notions of what 'having faith' means. For instance, a phrase that is commonly used in evangelism is "accepting" or "receiving" Jesus. i really don't like these terms, mostly because i don't really know what that means. it sort of conjures up this image of God as a magic pill, and i think that's extremely dangerous territory to be walking on. it also leads to the notion that God is to be molded to us, instead of vice versa. shouldn't our language be more about deciding to follow our Creator, instead of Him following us? just a thought.

i'm reading through Hosea with my sunday school class. as we read through hosea 1, we started talking about the notion that the Lord was asking Hosea to do some pretty ridiculous things. Marry a prostitute, love her, name the kids after things like 'vengeance' and 'not my people.' (i'm wondering what my brother is going to name my nephew... i really hope those aren't on the list...). one conversation we had last week stuck with me... that God was not speaking to Hosea for Hosea's benefit, but for the benefit of the people of Israel. God is about the edification of the Church, and not just me. how does this play out as we live our lives in a society that tells us to think about me, and me alone? even in our lives of faith, i think it's still an easy temptation to think about what God wants me to do, instead of how my actions will affect the whole.

Ebb and Flow

2008-03-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

It has been difficult for me to think of things to write about as of late, and I'm not sure why. I normally enjoy the process of getting to write, to share, to think about myself and the things that happen around me. but it's been difficult these past few months. i guess some seasons are just like that...

i'm in a strange season of life. in the next few months, i will graduate from seminary, turn 30, and become an aunt. in some ways, it is surreal that all three of these things will be taking place. on graduating from seminary: i struggled a bit in high school, and in some ways wrestled with just feeling ordinary. i think, at the back of my mind, i wondered if i would be able to even graduate from college. it was difficult to view myself as a leader, or as someone who had important things to say. however, there's a rumbling and a passion in my soul that is real, many times undefined. and here i stand. in addition, seminary has been.... hmmm. i don't know the word for it. i arrived at asbury a very broken person, hurt and wounded, and a lot of healing has taken place. it's strange for this journey to be almost over.
on turning 30: personally, i would like to know why this birthday is normally such a big deal. i think it's definitely cultural. perhaps it helps that most people still think i'm 23, and i have yet to meet someone who isn't shocked when i tell them my actual age. i don't know that anything will actually change in me, but it's strange to think back to when i was younger, and realizing that 30 sounded mature, settled, "adult." i think i thought i would be married by this point, have a career, be "figured out." maybe i'll never be completely figured out, but maybe parts of me will. i have a feeling that i'll always be young at heart, and i'll always giggle. at least, i hope that i will always be like that.
on becoming an aunt: i don't know how to articulate how excited i am about this. first of all, my brother is one of the people i love most in this world, and i love that he is having a child (it's taken a while for him and his wife), and i know he'll be the world's greatest dad. i'm excited to see him as a parent. and i'm around kids so much... i'm really pumped to be around someone that is in some way part of me, part of my bloodline, not just someone else's kid. it's surreal in some ways, but i am so excited to meet my nephew. i've been praying for him and i can't wait for him to make his entrance into this world.

i guess it makes sense that i haven't known what to write about... those are a lot of things happening at once. i suppose it's hard to adequately process a few life changes all at the same time.

For Laura

2008-02-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

I wasn't really under the impression that anyone still read this, but I was proven wrong the other night, and Laura tells me it's time to update. and she's right.

Normally I try to update much more frequently than I have been, but for some reason, i've had major writer's block regarding this puppy. not that i haven't had a lot on my mind or lots going on, because i have, but i think it's been hard, recently, to process through all that's going on. so we'll see what comes out here.

Recent Snippets

today was a crazy day. CRAZY. and because this is a public forum, i don't feel like it would be right to go into all the details since the craziness involves others. as insane as tonight was, i was humbled and honored that i was able to serve and be with some dear friends during a moment of crisis.

it's hard to articulate all that's been on my mind as of late... no big things, but many small things simmering in my mind and attempting to put words to those things feels trite, so i won't. however, i will share that i'm where i'm supposed to be.

i think it took me about a semester to settle into my niche and my groove of living in the '05. i think i finally feel comfortable, i am finally able to internalize that there are some people here who love me and are very much so family for me. there are many, many moments where i am frustrated and mad, and many others where i know that this is what God has for me right now. and as i think about the future, this whole graduation deal, i realize that i'm pretty sure that God is calling me to stay in lexington after may. i could be very wrong, but it doesn't feel like it's time to leave. i feel like i've just gotten settled here, and that there are many roots to still dig down deep here. i'm starting to figure out what it means to welcome people into my house, to show hospitality. i'm starting to understand the unique things that i bring to the table. i'm re-learning how to see God and how it is He desires for me to live this life and treat other people. i'm learning...

one day, a few weeks back, i was hanging out with laura and jason. we were lamenting about various stresses, but then all of a sudden the tone of our conversation shifted. we started to realize that our life is pretty good. we've got this incredible group of people around us, and we get to be involved in the lives of some pretty colorful people on a regular basis. i eventually said, "you know, our life is really pretty cool at the moment. as stressful as it is, this is a pretty good deal." i eat dinner with other people most nights of the week, i pray and talk about scripture with several different people, i get to laugh a lot, i have the joy of journeying with an incredibly diverse group of folks.

not bad at all.

Advent 2: What's in a name?

2007-12-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start reading through the book of Matthew, mostly so that I can wrap my mind around the meaning of the incarnation this Christmas season. I was reading the first chapter of Matthew today, and I was struck by a thought.

23 “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’”

This verse is a reference to the prophecy in Isaiah... and i'm stunned that i haven't thought deeply about this before. The text doesn't really give Mary and Joseph's reaction to the statement "God is with us," but I'm wondering about how incredible that had to be. After generations of being promised a Messiah to save them, they are now being told that one is coming, and this one is God. All of their hopes are realized... how beautiful! This is the very thing they have been waiting for... for years and years and years! This is what their culture has been waiting for.... and all in one statement.... all in one definition of a name... they are told that God would finally be personally with them. He had not abandoned them... He would be with them. Was it hope that this evoked? Fear? A newfound hope? Excitement? And add to the fact that God would be personally with them that He would come through a common girl through an impossible conception.

Rejoice, community, for God is with us.

Advent

2007-12-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

This morning in church we sang one of my favorite Christmas songs... actually, it's more of an 'advent' songs, but still, i love it. It reminds me of the power of waiting and listening for God, of standing in faith that He is coming, that He will redeem. It is a song of knowing that even when life looks its bleakest, hope is waiting. It is a song that reminds me that the powers of sin and destruction do not have the last word... the power of the Cross is the final reality for those of us who believe... and this waiting in anticipation is what advent holds for us. May you be blessed as you wait on the active power of God this advent season!

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel,And ransom captive Israel,That mourns in lonely exile hereUntil the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice!Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,Who orderest all things mightily;To us the path of knowledge show,And teach us in her ways to go.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, freeThine own from Satan’s tyranny;From depths of hell Thy people save,And give them victory over the grave.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheerOur spirits by Thine advent here;Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,And open wide our heavenly home;Make safe the way that leads on high,And close the path to misery.

O come, O come, great Lord of might,Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s heightIn ancient times once gave the lawIn cloud and majesty and awe.

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,An ensign of Thy people be;Before Thee rulers silent fall;All peoples on Thy mercy call.

O come, Desire of nations, bindIn one the hearts of all mankind;Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,And be Thyself our King of Peace.

They're not joking, folks

2007-12-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice those signs in parking lots that say, "only patrons of this business may park here... all others towed at owner's expense?" do you ever wonder if those signs are serious?

may all your wondering days be ever. they are, indeed, serious. need i say more about how i spent my morning?

sigh.

Snapshots

2007-12-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about a lot of things these past few weeks, so this post will be a random collection of snapshots from my brain.

This semester has provided me with a lot of things to process through. It hasn't been my most difficult academically, but emotionally, there's been a lot to deal with. But in a good way. Some things from my past have re-surfaced, and God is showing me new ways of processing these things. It is amazing to me the people that God has brought into my life to help me see myself a little more objectively.... from good friends to professors to a community. There's been a lot of pruning that i'm in the midst of, and i feel like i am seeing the deep love of God in the midst of it all. In the middle of this, I had a professor suggest to me that I am afraid of my own sadness of some areas of my past, but that allowing myself to mourn the areas I need to mourn may actually provide healing from past wounds. I think he might be on to something.

In Doctrine we've been talking a lot about being under the power of the blood of Christ... that this is the power to save us. Those of us who profess faith in Christ, and in His life, death and resurrection no longer have to feel shame. I have been so reminded this week of this power... that I am empowered to leave all those areas where I feel shame, as the power in my life is no longer hiding behind sin, but in the wings of the Father, under the power of the resurrection of Jesus. Shame does a lot of terrible things to us, and this is most certainly not where God desires for His children to live.

This is the first year i've put up a Christmas tree in my house, and i'm so excited about it! I think that part of it is that this is the first time that i've felt like this is my house. We decorated the other night, and i like our little (and i do mean little) tree. It was fun to be festive. you can see pictures of the silliness on my facebook page.

Speaking of Christmas, this has been a good semester in terms of really, truly thinking about the power and the beauty of the incarnation. That's why i both love and hate this season. I love it because it's such an incredible reminder of God's power and God's love for His people. I hate it because of all the ways that the Christ message gets messed up in our culture. I pray that I am not a vehicle for messing it up.....may we live into the beauty that is the message of the hope of Christ coming into this world.

Gratitude

2007-11-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks were probably my most school work-heavy of the semester, which certainly aided in feeling slightly burdened. Paired with a few other stressful things going on, it's been crazy. But not impossible. when I am feeling like this, i realize the importance and power of gratitude and of simply remembering that I am not in control. Power and control... it's funny. i want those things and i don't want them at the same time. i don't want to have to make the hard decisions, but i want to influence people, and i long to be important to others. My guess is that this is part of the human condition... learning that power feels nice, but it can be incredibly destructive and soul-eating, and that power ultimately belongs to God. I've been reminded this week of the need to just be willing to submit, to lay down my need for "knowing" at the foot of the cross. I'm reminded over and over again that the beginning of humility is gratitude, and so i like to occassionally reflect on why it is that I'm thankful to God. Here is my latest prayer of gratitude, written a couple of weeks ago....

Help me to understand how You are active in my life-help me to recognize Your love for me..help me to never pass it up or ignore the power of Your love and sacrifice! and today, i also thank you for...your death on the cross-for a Church family-for friends who are near-for my own family-for the ability to read and think-for the power of encouragement-for provision-for constructive criticism-for allowing me to learn-for games-for laughter-for prayer-for children-for the beauty of fall colors-for so many who care for me-for the journey you've given me-for growth-for tears-for hugs-for Your Word-for the ability to talk and think-for sleep-for feelings-for love-for passion-for warm blankets-for silence-for music-for sunshine-for mountains-for words-for warm sweatshirts-for community-for being able to join with You in communion-for the power and beauty of the incarnation-for Your ultimate sacrifice-for taking on the powers of death and hell so that i might have life-for medicine-for epiphanies-for soup-for warm socks-for being able to snuggle in a warm blanket-for the beauty of joining with other souls-for chocolate-for candles-for baseball.

Thank You for life. Thank You for You. You are life.

Amen.

A Taste of Grace

2007-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

This past week has been hard... i've been overwhelmed by a collection of things, and i've been in a funk. It's days like today that i'm grateful for the words below... this is a song we occassionally sing at church, and it has become one of my favorite songs. Typically, when i am feeling like this, I find it hard to remember God's grace and what i remember is my failure and my own short-comings. I think that's why i love this song: God has redeemed me, so i have the confidence to arise, even when what i feel is shame. so beautiful.

Arise, My Soul, Arise
Charles Wesley

1. Arise, my soul, arise, shake off your guilty fears; The bleeding sacrifice, in my behalf appears; Before the throne my Surety stands, Before the throne my Surety stands, My name is written on His hands.

Chorus: Arise (arise), arise (arise), ariseArise, my soul, arise. Arise (arise), arise (arise), arise Arise, my soul, arise. Shake off your guilty fears and rise

2. He ever lives above, for me to intercede; His all redeeming love, His precious blood, to plead; His blood atoned for every race, His blood atoned for every race, And sprinkles now the throne of grace.

3. Five bleeding wounds He bears;received on Calvary;They pour effectual prayers; they strongly plead for me:"Forgive him, O forgive," they cry,"Forgive him, O forgive," they cry,"Nor let that ransomed sinner die!"

4. The Father hears Him pray, His dear anointed One;He cannot turn away the presence of His Son; The Spirit answers to the blood,The Spirit answers to the bloodAnd tells me I am born of God.

5. My God is reconciled;His pardoning voice I hear; He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear With confidence I now draw nigh, With confidence I now draw nigh, And "Father, Abba, Father," cry.

Sweet Innocence

2007-11-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'm babysitting the other night. I'm making dinner for the boys and they are playing in the other room. I bring Joe the corn i had just made for him and start to dish it onto his plate. He looks up at me with his sweet, innocent, 5-year old eyes and says, "what the hell is that?"

i tried really hard to discipline him and explain that that was not a word that was ok to use, but i was laughing too hard to be effective. then i tell his father (aaron, and my friend and pastor) what has just happened. he doubles over in laughter and says, "i just don't know where they get this stuff!"

i just look at him and say, "are you seriously asking this question? i know exactly where they get this." and then i just look at him.

from the mouths of babes.

Another Great Weekend

2007-10-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

This was another great weekend. I went to the Red River Gorge with the youth group from La Roca. It was an amazing trip, for so many reasons. I almost didn't go, and i can't articulate how glad i am that i went. hiking, talking, silence, praying, worshiping, game-playing, lots of silliness and laughter and most of all-being together. It was a great reminder that I really, really love these kids. Some days i'm drained and wonder what it is i have to offer them... but I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

and what's important to remember is that La Roca is far from your typical youth group. Some of our kids have been kicked out of their schools. Most of them rarely hear affirmation at home. What most people probably see in these kids is the rough edges (and trust me, those rough edges are there)... but this is a group of kids that is chock full of quirkiness, love, opinions and leadership. it's our job to steer them. i love getting to have a small part in this journey.

we had this time of affirmation for all of us on saturday night, and it was incredible thing. and i can remember thinking, "ALL of these kids have so much to offer." and then sunday morning, we all sat crowded together in one row... and i loved it. i loved not having enough space, with my arm around michelle... nudging her to wake up every few minutes. I loved how proud I was of Chance and Michelle for sharing with the church about the retreat. I loved feeling like my heart would burst for this crazy group of middle school and high school students.

And i love that this is not typical youth ministry. I love that it's not a group of suburban kids who have grown up in church. I love the realness and rawness... because that makes seeing the good in these kids that much sweeter. Even though they've got so many battles to fight, they are slowly learning that they have a church family who loves them, and a God who fights for them.

Change is a-comin'

2007-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am driving south on Interstate 75... getting away for the weekend to see a dear friend... one who has been with me through a lot. It feels good to get away for a few days, not because I don't like my life, but because we all need little breaks once in a while. And i am feeling good about seeing someone who knows me well. I'm driving through the mountains and multiple radio stations turn to just one country station to no radio station at all. Then I remember that I have a used portable CD player in the trunk... i manage to get it out and find whatever CD's are floating around in the back of my car. I pop in some Josh Bales, who I love, but who I have not listened to in a long time. At about this time I'm driving into Chattanooga, and a tidal wave of emotions hit me. I'm reminded of the summer I worked in Chattanooga at Widow's Harvest, when I would listen to this very CD almost every day. And i'm suddenly reminded of the loneliness of those three months, and of the sadness I felt, and of how helpless I felt in dealing with everything. I'm reminded of how I just can't figure out how to articulate what I feel... and that no one seems to get it. At the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. Because i know that this is not who I am anymore. I know that I have people who love me, and I'm learning to not blame others for my junk. I'm learning not let loneliness and sadness swallow me up anymore. I'm learning to let hope break into my heart.

I'm still driving down I-75, into Atlanta. I spend time with Erin.... one who has seen both deep pain and deep joy in my life. But even as I'm in Atlanta, I'm reminded of this painful season of my life. And again, I'm reminded of how God has changed and transformed me. and i'm thankful.

And i'm reminded that God is continuously changing me, transforming me, loving me, trading the bad for the good. It's so refreshing to be able to concretely see how God is making me confident in who He has created me to be.

The Little Things

2007-10-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

exciting things this week:

the addition of an original nintendo game system to our house (thanks chelsea!)
knowing that i get to go on a road trip this weekend to see a good friend
the convenience of having a washer and dryer in my own house
good conversations with friends i love while drinking yumminess!
getting to pray with others
getting to go on walks around my neighborhood, and having extra time this week to do that
the joy of no longer having to read a book by Bill Hybels
being able to finally wear long-sleeved t-shirts and hoodies

First Dinner

2007-10-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first neighborhood dinner, and i think it went well! We had a good crowd of folks there, and I managed to talk my new neighbor, Ann, and her granddaughter into joining us. I was really glad they came, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them. Samantha and her brothers joined us, along with Chance, so we had a full house. It was a cool thing to look around Aaron's house and see people i knew and didn't know, and have the chance to eat, laugh and talk together. jordan playing with the kids in the living room....talking about the neighborhood and the church....getting to share our stories together......i'm really glad that this is how i get to spend my time.

and then, this morning, Ann's granddaughter knocks on our door at 7. she missed her bus and wanted to know if i could take her to school. that was a cool moment, for so many reasons....life together... it's a cool deal.

in other happenings, i am not really looking forward to this week.... only because of lots of schoolwork! a big midterm due on wednesday, but i'm plugging through because at the end of the week i'm headed to atlanta to see one of my favorite people in the world-my old roommate erin. so i'm pretty pumped about that. i'm really excited about a weekend away with a good friend. it's been an up and down week, but one filled with so many examples of God's faithfulness... encouragement just when i've needed it most.... reminders of how God has created me and called me.

Righteous Anger

2007-09-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have had an absurd number of conversations with women this week who do not understand what beautiful creations they are. Some of these conversations have started as the result of hearing about terrible things that have been done to some of the most amazing women i've met.... abuse given by people that we should be able to trust. and something i've heard come from the mouths of each of these women.... a thought that part of this must be their fault, that they could have stopped it. and it is at this point that i want to both yell and cry. we do terrible things with power, and i've heard some of those stories this week. it's sickening.

at the same time, i've been reading Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia. She talks about what happens to most girls in pre-adolescence... about how most girls find that they can't truly be themselves and be accepted. They find that they must choose one or the other. This makes me so, so sad. It makes me sad because i relate. It makes me sad because i look around at so many of the beautiful girls and women in my life and I know this has taken place in their hearts. And it makes me wonder what the church's role is in all this... as a community of faith, what is it that we can do to let girls know that we deeply accept their true selves? How do we communicate that God made their true selves and accepts them?

It makes me realize that THIS is the task of community. To let each other know that we do not merely accept a figment of one's persona, but that we accept the true versions of ourselves, because that is what God does for us.

In the beginning of Pipher's book she says something to the effect of, "It takes a village to raise a child. Most girls don't have a village." I don't want to just be angry and sad about this statement-I want to work to change this, because this is NOT how God wants His people to live.

There is a much better way waiting to be found.

Insomnia

2007-09-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

it is nearing 2 in the morning, and i cannot sleep. i would like to be asleep, because i need to be up in about 6 hours. so much is on my mind. a conversation i had earlier tonight. a conversation i need to have tomorrow. needing to confess. needing to confront. my own shortcomings. new friends. the beauty and pain of community life. attempting to trust God with so many unknowns. trying to be sure of who i am. living into the beauty and grace of God. wrapping my head around the mystery of the plans of God. trying to find balance in my life. why chocolate exudes such joy. you know...the normal stuff.

Speaking Life

2007-09-16T15:05:00.001-07:00

"To always be relevant, you must only say that which is eternal."

-Simone Weil

this makes me stop dead in my tracks.... i definitely say a lot that is not eternal.

Random Notes

2007-09-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

it's been a good first couple weeks of school and settling into my new abode. i'm really exciting about living in the '05, and about being able to hang with some cool people. after the loneliness of the past year, this has been a breath of fresh air. we've already had people over a couple of times to play games, aaron comes over when he gets locked out of his house, and i feel like we've got a house full of warmth and love, and i'm excited about that.

i'm taking a class about forgiveness and counseling this semester-i think it'll be really good. and i also think that it will intersect with many areas of my life that i didn't really expect. on the first day of class, toddy tells us that we won't talk about self-forgiveness, because she doesn't see self-forgiveness mentioned in scripture, since that is a western ideal. this, of course, has gotten me thinking about a lot. and then i start reading.... about how forgiveness really should be a communal practice, but we've privatized it in the west. and if we really think about it, forgivenss is about the "restoration of communion." it's not about making me feel better about how i've hurt someone, but about restoring me to both God and community. there's something to chew on there, for sure. i think forgiveness is one of those words we throw around a lot, but i wonder if we really understand what it means? if we really know what is encapsulated in forgiving someone else? if we understand what it means that God forgives us? is it just a lofty, soft word...or is there power behind it?

we're going on a community retreat this saturday... i think it will be good. and tomorrow i'm cooking breakfast for ian and elizabeth so that we can talk about some crazy community ideas we have. i'm pretty pumped.

have you ever had a really great hug? i'm a hugger.... and i love to give and receive big, bear hugs. last night after church i saw my friend becky, who lives down the street from me. she got really excited when she saw me, and gave me one of those big, long-lasting, embracing hugs. it made me happy. there's something about a good hug... i think because you are both giving and receiving love all in the same moment. it's really kind of a beautiful thing. and it was just so affirming to see how much becky wanted to love on me... it's nice to have those moments some days.... right up there with little joe running down the church hallway yelling, "maggie! maggie!" with a huge smile on his face. i needed that (of course, as soon as he saw me, he says, "hey bad nanny!"...but i'll take what i can get).

so... i may not get any schoolwork done this semester, and perhaps i'll fail out of my third year of seminary.... but at least i'll be loved along the way.....

New Eyes

2007-09-06T18:57:00.001-07:00

here i am. starting my third and (almost) final year of seminary. i can remember my first semester like it was yesterday.... questioning if i had made the right decision, wondering if i should go somewhere else...but not sure where, bursting into tears at the thought of seeing how i had done on an O'Malley Church History exam. and here i am now... feeling like i've somewhat found my place, feeling, again, like i'm on the edge of something. it's a cool, scary, overwhelming, funny feeling. to look back and see all that worried me, and to see where God has brought me. it's weird to look back sometimes, but necessary...and humbling. and now i'm here, telling others about seminary and ministry and life and community and all the rest... still learning... attempting to grow...praying through it all. sometimes a little perspective goes a long way.

New House

2007-09-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

i've been in my new place for about a week, and we're still working on settling in, unpacking, all of that stuff. i can't tell you how much i love this house! but really... it's more than the house.

i love how God has worked all of this out. i love the roommates He has provided. I love being near so many cool people. i love the relationships i see unfolding. i love the fact that we had about 10 people over last night to play games. i love that i'm sitting in kim's house doing laundry right now. i love that it only takes me about 3 minutes to get to church. i love that some of the church kids are already coming over to bug me and see if i'm home. i love the relationships that are coming about because i'm in the neighborhood. i love this community i'm in... that i feel more loved and a "part" of something than i've felt in a while. i love that i'm among people who really want to love on me and encourage me. i love that God is showing me ways i can serve this community.

and another cool moment this week: there's this family that many other individuals have been pouring into for a while, and this family recently moved really close to where i'm living. i've spent a bit of time with the mom and kids, but not tons, but I really feel like God is doing something here. and i'm realizing, too, what a blessing this mom is to me. they are in need in a number of ways, but this woman has also blessed me by just loving me and showing me hospitality. the other night it's raining and thundering and apparently their power went out a couple of times. so she calls me to ask if we're ok, if our power had gone out, to check on us. how awesome is that?

Moving Day!

2007-08-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is moving day! yay! this has felt like it's been a long time in coming, and as much as i don't like the packing, organizing, moving, etc... i'm ready to be in my new place! jessica came over and helped me get one load in her car, and then we hung out and talked about lots of different things, which was great. also, for any of you who may be helping, my soon to be old apartment kind of smells, due to an AC leak, and i apologize from the bottom of my heart. please forgive me, and thanks in advance for helping me. i'm ready to be in my new place, closer to the community there. i'm pumped.

speaking of community, last night we had our first dinner for those hoping to 'do' community in the '05. i thought it went well... we had some yummy steaks and good conversation. it was great to look around and feel like i was part of a family here. i'm excited about what is going to take place. i'm also really excited because today was my last day of work at the daycare center.... onto babysitting in the '05! hopefully i won't regret this decision later......

Sick List

2007-08-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have been sick today... no fun! but it really is ok, because i've been reminded of all the things today that make being sick bearable. here's my list:

ready-made progresso soup. i swear by these things. they are yummy, and i can eat them after not being able to eat for several hours. really, i'd be ok not eating right now, but i'm sort of weak, so i know i need to!
people who are willing to bring me things-i called both beth and bekah and they brought me gatorade, saltines, and applesauce. these things are like a liferaft when your stomach just won't cooperate.
getting a chance to rest. i know that being sick is not a great reason to rest, but apparently i needed something to get me to chill out. on that note, i've had time today to have some good catch-up conversations.
breath mints and hot tea. did you know that breath mints help with nausea? it's true. i am never without them. and i don't drink hot tea a lot, but when you are woken at 5:30 in the morning by a violent tummy... i don't know of anything more comforting.

a couple other random notes: i move in less than a week! yay! i'm so pumped to be in my new place.

i saw the movie Jesus Camp on saturday night with peter, jackie, tawndee and jason. i will definitely be commenting on this viewing, because the level of disturbance it caused in my brain warrants an entry. but i'm still processing.

A Week in the Life of Maggie

2007-08-17T13:27:00.001-07:00

My mind is a whirlwind these days! this is how it's been....

monday: go to work until 5. must finally go get something resembling groceries. go to lee and beth's to look at old things they don't want anymore. they have an ice cream maker that we can have, and that's pretty sweet.

tuesday: i plan on staying home to get packing done. however, meg calls to invite me to pray with their house, and seeing as how i've been wanting to pray with them for about a month (and because i seem to be completely unable to say no), i forefeit packing for the evening to go to lexington to pray. i'm glad i went. afterwards, i help rebecca get her car, then drive her car back. then i hang out for a few minutes with meg an jess, mostly because i don't want to go home.

wednesday: i work for 2 hours. then i go to a meeting about church planting where i have no idea what we're talking about, so i end up asking ridiculous questions, but am glad i'm there. then i go to church to pray. back to wilmore to work. back to lexington after work to hang out with the youth. later that night, i read an email from aaron about his thoughts on community. never ask me my thoughts on community if you don't want to hear a lot. so i write peter and aaron a book about all my thoughts, and now we have all these crazy ideas about doing community in the oh-5. crazy. between church planting and figuring out how to do life together and realizing that i need to move and start a new semester soon.... whoa! craziness. in the midst of this, i call chelsea to tell her she can live with us. and she seems very cool! i'm excited about this house of girls. it's gonna rock.

thursday: again, i think, "i'll have tonight to pack." i should just never plan anything. aaron calls me at 10 or so in the morning to ask if i can be at a meeting that night to talk about all our crazy plans for creating community. and i think, "i really need to be there." so i go. only, of course, after convincing him to change the meeting's location to coffee times. all is right with the world when coffee times is involved. i spend the rest of the day fighting off overhwhelming, swirling thoughts. again, glad i went to this meeting. i left feeling encouraged and excited about what we are trying to do. on the way home i realize i haven't seen my friend kathy in a really long time due mostly to moving and church stuff (and i still have a movie of hers), so i go visit her. she fed me watermelon, and then ginger came over. it was good. i then go home and try to be productive... i start working on a letter to some community members, and realize that my brain is a crazy place.

friday: work until 1. my sweet boss comes in and tells me i can leave early if i want, and i wanted. came home, took a nap, made phone calls, packed some stuff, called my mom. dinner later on 12th street.

tomorrow: i HAVE to pack my house. everything. must. get. done. please, someone call me to make sure i am doing this, because it's not done right now (and all before 4:30, because i'm going to the church picnic at 5!), and this place is not ready to go yet! =)

craziness. but in the best sense of that word.

And then there were three

2007-08-13T16:36:00.001-07:00

it's official... we've found a third roommate! and one who is excited about hospitality and living life together.

it's like God planned this all out or something.

Random Notes of Interest

2007-08-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

Random note #1:

I have been sad today, and i don't really know why. i tried to push myself into feeling ok all day, only to finalize with crying as i left the la roca community garden. and i feel silly. i'm sure there are multiple reasons for my heavy heart. but it's amazing what a visit from a friend can do at 11:00 at night. samantha webb rocks, plain and simple.

Random note #2:

we may have found a 3rd roommate (and maybe even a fourth!), and i'm so excited! if this works out, the little blue house on Highland Park will be the place to be.

Random note #3:

Having to wait 2 weeks to move is going to be a very difficult task! i definitely want to be living on Highland Park Drive right now. But patience is a virtue, i'm told, as is packing my belongings and cleaning my current house....i also realize that "finishing well" is as important as taking a first step of faith. i think it's definitely a lot harder. excitement can be troublesome sometimes.

Random note #4:

i had a crazy busy weekend. dinner with some fun folks on 12th street, measuring my new bedroom door (only to find that my beloved desk will not fit...sad!), pestering aaron, lunch with the jackster, shopping with a neighbor, church today, lunch with jackie and peter and kim, helping at the garden. whew! but it was good. it was nice to feel a part of my new soon-to-be home!

Packing Books

2007-08-09T21:06:00.001-07:00

i'm in a mood tonight. and not a good one. not sure why. maybe it's that i am dreading going to work tomorrow. or maybe i am tired. or overwhelmed. or maybe it's because i'm at that beginning stage of packing where i've gotten just enough done to feel slightly daunted by the task, and i realize it may be a lot easier and perhaps even more productive to accidentally start a fire in my apartment. however, after 2 weeks of staring at the disaster that is my apartment and dreading the thought of this process of packing, I have begun. I packed my first three boxes tonight. I started with the books... i realize that's always the easiest place to begin, and it really helps set the tone for the ever-dreaded task of loading up all my earthly possessions (and realizing how many unnecessary things i have), and propels me towards greater motivation. i can say i've been productive this evening, and that's a pretty nice feeling. it's funny, though, packing books. i love books. i like the thought of so many words, ideas, stories, thoughts in something i can hold in my hand. But will i really read these books again? why do i keep them? yet something keeps me from parting with them. staring at my books also reminds me of the many different parts of my life and personality, and maybe that's why i keep them. they're sort of representative of me, and they remind me in a weird way of who i am, where i've been, and where i'd like to someday go.

Into the Garden

2007-08-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

The church I go to has started this community garden, and it's a very cool thing. La Roca is in the middle of downtown Lexington, and so i think it's pretty significant that certain people have had the vision to produce life in the midst of noise, cars and overly accessible junkfood. What an incredible sign of life and goodness!

This garden was started a few months ago, and i always thought it seemed like a cool idea. However, I'm a slacker. I hadn't even seen the garden until last week when i went to help pick some beans. For the past two Sunday nights, i've had the honor of getting to help pick beans, tomatoes, peppers, and okra. And it's been such a great experience to get sweaty, get my hands dirty, and to fellowship with other church members while working on this crazy little garden. And I've met people for the first time that i've gone to church with for almost two years now.

This has all caused me to think about the significance of this simple (yet very profound) project. Fellowship is being built as we work alongside each other. New life is being produced. Healthy food is being provided. These, to me, seem like intrinsically Biblical values, and it's exciting to see them getting played out every week. Of course, these are just a few of the positive things happening as a result of this garden... i know that there are so many more.

More than anything else, I realized last night how grateful I am that I go to a church that is investing its resources in things like planting gardens instead of spending money on a building. Getting our hands dirty together instead starting a new program. Working alongside our neighbors instead of pushing them aside. Our perceptions of 'church' have the tendency to get very skewed, and i'm realizing that this is what it's about. producing life-particularly where there was once death. La Roca is certainly far from perfect, but i love that i am part of a body of believers seeking out creative ways of embracing and loving people.

And i get the feeling that God is in the midst of doing some big, big things.

Child of God or Child of the pigs?

2007-08-04T06:23:00.000-07:00

The great thing about having a 3-month break from school is that I don't feel the need to rush through books that I am reading. I have been taking a long time to read through Return of the Prodigal Son, which is nothing short of bliss. I firmly believe it is one of the world's great tragedies to ever rush through anything Henri Nouwen had to say. With that said, here's a quote for your reading pleasure this bright Saturday morning:

"The younger son's return takes place in the very moment that he reclaims his sonship, even though he has lost all the dignity that belongs to it. In fact, it was the loss of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. He hit the bedrock of his sonship. In retrospect, it seems that the prodigal had to lose everything to come into touch with the ground of his being. When he found himself desiring to be treated as one of the pigs, he realized that he was not a pig but a human being, a son of his father. This realization became the basis for his choice to live instead of to die. Once he had come again in touch with the truth of his sonship, he could hear-although faintly-the voice calling him the Beloved and feel-although distantly-the touch of blessing."

In diving deep into the story of the prodigal son, Henri Nouwen talks about the younger son's return and his willingness to be treated as one of the pigs, if only that could bring him into his father's presence. However, the father would never allow this.... he celebrates, he lavishes, he welcomes the son home with open, loving, strong embrace. Why? because the son is his child. It makes me think of all the times and of all the ways that I only allow myself to be treated as good as something less than a daughter of God. But that is indeed who i am-a daughter of God! I'm reminded that forgiveness is ALWAYS there to be received, but we must be willing to receive it. God longs to celebrate with us, hold us, party with us, remind us of our worth. But something has happened. We tend to say that this forgiveness certainly can't be true, and so we imprison ourselves in holding onto shame and guilt, thinking we're only as good as the pigs. God's not the one imprisoning us-He is freeing us.

It's been good this week to remember this-that God has good planned for His children. I think i've lived most of life believing that for something to be right, it has to be hard. And sometimes that might be true... but God also has joy in mind for His church! God longs for us to lavish in His presence, to enjoy the fellowship of all of His children. God has good planned, and yesterday was a great reminder of that. I can choose to live as less than a child of God, or I can choose to rise from sin and accept forgiveness and walk with God, and remember that before anything else...I am a child of God.

God is providing for me right now in so many clear and amazing ways. It is so easy to think, "no. i don't deserve this. this can't be right." and i don't deserve it, yet i am so loved in spite of that! And so-i am living in gratitude for: a new house (by the way, one with a PORCH!!), a roommate, a great community around me, people who encourage me, a church that is far from perfect but is certainly trying, God's grace and provision, ministry opportunities.

Late Night Confessions

2007-08-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

It is 1:00 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. In fact, I've had trouble sleeping all week. I sometimes have weeks like this, and it stinks because I go through my day exhausted. Last night it was mostly due to the fact that there were three college age guys who decided, at about 11 at night, to stand in the parking lot of my apartment building (just below my bedroom window), and play guitar, drink beer, and talk in not-so-quiet voices. If i had any confidence, I would have gone out there and asked them to be quiet. but i'm a wimp, so i stayed up and stayed annoyed. and now i sound like an old woman. but i digress.

the real reason for my insomnia. life is changing before my very eyes, and it's causing many unsettling thoughts. i am moving in a month. i realize this shouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's big inside my head (and yes, i tend to overreact, but surely that is no suprise to anyone who knows me!). there are several reasons this is big. i am no stranger to moving to new abodes... this will be my fourth place since i've moved to kentucky, which was not even two years ago. however, this move is of significance for a few reasons. one, it's the first time i have had to find a place, sign a lease, make decisions, ask wise questions. i realize this is ridiculous since i'm 29, but i've just always had the good fortune to move in with others. learning how to be an adult stinks sometimes.

another reason this is slightly overwhelming me. i'm not just living somewhere to live. i'm moving to this particular locale in order to attempt to engage with the neighborhood and with folks from the church who already live there, some of whom i have a great deal of respect for. and i realize that this scares me. what if i disappoint them? i know that they love me now, but will they still love me when they see the real me? sometimes i feel like the real me is not that great... let's face it... i can be lazy, seflish, and i pick who i want to love. i realized tonight my fears of really allowing others to see the not-so-great parts of my personality. There are people who are extremely excited about me moving into this neighborhood, and i've realized that i don't understand why. i don't feel like i have a lot to give. i feel like i fake it sometimes....

and maybe that's why this move is a really great thing. maybe it's that i need to really understand that there are people who love me for all the parts of me, good and bad. and that i need to understand that God loves all those parts of me.

It reminds me of what Henri Nouwen talks about in Return of the Prodigal Son. He proposes that when we do not understand our Belovedness, when we do not understand that we are completely loved by and cherished by God, we act in certain ways. I'm realizing that for me, it's a whole lot of fear. Fear that people will leave or will be disappointed when they see the real me.

I tend to beat myself up for not intrinsically being who I want to be. For needing to be around others in order to feel motivated to serve, to love, to produce. Sometimes that feels like i am doing things only for others, but maybe it's also about others encouraging us to be the best versions of ourselves.

Movin' on up

2007-07-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

so... it's official. I signed a lease for a house today in lexington, not far from my church. For several months I've been thinking about moving to lex-vegas, and i finally did it today! i've been really nervous about this move for some reason, but i'm excited. i love the house, it's in a cool neighborhood, and i'll live near some pretty awesome people. well, maybe except for my pastor aaron. i think i'll have to keep him in line... good thing we'll live on the same street and i can straighten him out.

i'm excited... i think this will be a great thing, and a long time in coming. And more than anything else, i really see God's hand in all of this, which is scary and encouraging all at the same time.

Question Marks and Prayers for Healing

2007-07-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

It's been somewhat of a trying week....

stressful week with the kiddos
lots of tiredness on my part
feeling overwhelmed by one too many unknowns
feeling like i am in a whirlwind
needing car repairs

yet, somehow, in the midst of it all God has worked. Things still do not make sense. I am still confused, overwhelmed... but I am reminded of God's presence. And that's really all we can do sometimes. And after a much-needed breakdown on Wednesday night, I felt at least a little bit of peace, and even found myself in the position to get to encourage a couple other friends... which I was so thankful for.

And in the middle of this, I've been thinking about what it means to be truly healed. My pastor and I (a genuinely awesome guy who is probably the most accessible pastor i've ever had the privilege to be around) have had some email conversations about that this week. His wife died about 2 months ago, so it was interesting to get his take on the subject. He basically ended the conversation by saying, "maybe it's all a matter of perseverence. Because if we are healed from what we are wanting healing from, there's just something else waiting around the corner, because life is hard." And it's so true. Maybe it's not just a matter of asking for healing from something, but for God's grace within whatever life throws our way.

So...even in the midst of a somewhat frustrating week, I can still say that God is. And i can say that God loves me... maybe even likes me.

Remembering to Remember

2007-07-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded this week, in a few different ways, of the power of memory-of the power of remembering and honoring. A good friend of mine sent me an email a few days ago about how she needed to "remember" God. She needed to remember that He is present, active, faithful. That in itself led me down a path of reflecting on the story of the Exodus: after the Israelites were miraculously delivered from their oppression, they had to be reminded to remember. They had to be reminded that God was faithful, alive, and with them. From a completely objective point of view, one would think that this would be a no-brainer. Of course God was faithful... He showed up in some pretty miraculous ways! But they still forgot. They complained. They wanted more than God's provision for them. And over and over in Exodus we see, "Remember God's Faithfulness."

And then today in Sunday School, we talked about this again. We are about to start a trek through the book of Deuteronomy (which I have never read in its entirety) and this is also an apparent theme. Remember. Remember. Remember God. Remember His faithfulness. Remember that He loves you. Remember that you are His child. Peter, who teaches our class, encouraged us to also remember our own journeys of faith as we read this book. Remember.

There is power in being able to remember. There is power in being able to take a step back, especially when the details of life are overwhelming...when the freshness of a relationship with the Father seems mundane....when what is apparent and obvious is pain. Remember God. Remember that I am loved and beloved. In remembering what is true, I can shift my thinking-reminding myself that I belong to the Creator, the King of Kings, YWHW, Jehovah. It is easy to think that I don't belong to him... which is why I must stop to remember.

I am reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen... a book that is all about living into our Divine belovedness. Today I am reminded to remember that I am a child of God, and that in truly understanding that truth changes my posture... changes how I live, how I treat myself, and how I treat others. Remembering and understanding who I belong to and how much He loves me allows me to enter into light and joy. Understanding and remembering takes me into the arms of the Father and trusting in a way that far surpasses any that I could conjure up in my own head. Understanding and remembering carries me from walking slumped over in shame to walking in confidence with my heavenly Father. I'll be honest--this is difficult to remember most days... which is why I guess God is into object lessons.

I often feel guilty for not remembering-for trusting myself and the opinions of others far more than I trust God. But I guess God knows this our tendency, since we are reminded to remember over and over again. And I guess this is why God wants us to worship together... to celebrate Holy Communion together....to remind each other to remember.

Summer Goodness...

2007-07-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

In the past few days, I have...

Walked across the Brooklyn Bridge.
Driven in Manhattan.
Been on the Staten Island Ferry at Sunset.
Eaten one of the best cheeseburgers i have ever had. ever.
Eaten a bowl full of cheeries. A couple of them actually.
Seen the ocean.
Driven from Brooklyn, New York to Wilmore, Kentucky in one day.
Had incredible conversations with my brother about life, family, and God.
Been enormously grateful for fun family times.

Can I help?

2007-07-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

Working with kids all day can be a funny experience. This is not really new for me-I've been working with kids since I was in high school, but I find that my interactions with them have the ability to be humorous, frustrating, profound. What I've realized this summer is that many of the things I tell the kids I really need to tell myself. It's been interesting to hear these words come out of my mouth and to realize, 'wow. i need to remember this.'

Yesterday I was attempting to give the kids a snack, and this is normally a pretty tumultuous time. This time happens not long after they've gotten up from their nap, and a few of them just do not wake up well (i can relate to that... maggie in the mornings is not a fun sight), especially because a few of them are there for long days, and they are just really tired. What I often do during this time is let one of the kids be my helper. This is a privilege for the kids, one that is worth fighting over. One that is worth shedding tears over. This got me thinking....when do we make the move from the helper as one of privilege to something of a chore? When does it become a burden to help someone else?

It also led me into thoughts of how God designed us. It seems like maybe God wants us to view being a servant in His kingdom, being His 'helper' as something of a privilege to get very excited about. God's pretty big and powerful.... He can do anything He wants.... does He really need us? I don't need the kids to help me.... but it's fun to watch them get excited about being helpful. I don't know if God needs us or not, but it certainly seems like He really wants us to serve Him, and that it delights Him when we get excited about walking with Him and attempting to help His purposes along. It is usually very likely that when the kids help me, something will get spilled or some mess will get made. And i'll be right behind them to clean up whatever mess has been made. And i'm reminded that God doesn't need my perfection, He just wants my willingness, because He knows a mess will be made, and He'll help me clean it up.

Today

2007-07-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

i often have lots of deep, profound things to post about that will no doubt win me the love and affection of all who read what i have to say, but by the time I get around to sitting down and summing up all i have to say, I can't remember what those life-changing thoughts were. So... as usual...no life-changing thoughts for today. I deeply apologize to any I may have disappointed. Instead, I shall share how I have been spending my summer days thus far:

I have been working at the Wilmore Day Care Center. I am the teacher for the 4 and 5 year olds. Most days, I like it. Some days, my frustration level is a little higher than I am proud of, but I really like my kiddos. they're fun. and they say lots of funny things. and i have a really awesome boss who is more than gracious with me.
I have been reading Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. You must read this book. Many of the life-changing thoughts that are currently in my head are a result of reading this book. I may write something later after i've processed it all.... but it is wonderful.
I am really glad that I'm not taking classes right now and have adequate time to read and process aforementioned book.
I have to move out of my apartment in August. I have absolutely no clue where i am going to live. This is probably something I should start thinking about soon.
I am going to new york city next weekend and i am puuuuumped! yay! yay! i believe that new york city is one of the greatest places on this earth. to add to it's inherent greatness, the one and only randall middleton (older brother of yours truly) lives there. yay for vacations!
I have attempted to go fishing the past two weekends with my friend samantha, and have failed both times. I even bought my very first fishing pole for the occassion, and it sits unused, and I am sad. Thus, my goal before summer's end is to go fishing. Not necessarily to catch any fish, but i would really love to put my feet in the water and hold said fishing pole. If I happen to catch any fish, that will be an added bonus.
I have done about 10 things today that I feel really stupid about. These aren't bad/sinful things.... Just really awkward things i've done... and i feel extremely foolish at the moment, and i keep dwelling on them.
Things I am thankful for today: iced hot chocolate (from Coffee Times!), gift cards from Coffee Times, really great friends, hugs, getting a short vacation in the middle of the summer, thoughtful people, God's provision, sitting on a friend's porch, long drives with friends who "get you," hope, new insights, God's presence, Sunday afternoon naps.

Snippets

2007-06-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Just some random happenings and thoughts from the past couple of weeks....

I have been busy in some unanticipated but joyful ways. My mom and stepdad came in town to help me celebrate the big 2-9. It was a very baseball weekend... we went to the Louisville Slugger Museum, and then went to a Lexington Legends game. Baseball is one of the things my whole family likes to enjoy together, so it was good fun. I guess that's where my love of the St. Louis Cardinals comes from.... it's my family language. =) I've also been busy with other happy things.... spending time with friends, La Roca youth trip to Mammoth Cave, helping Mission Year out at Icthus, seeing out of town friends.

I'm not taking classes this summer... just working, which is so nice. It's wonderful to feel the freedom to spend time with people without feeling the pressure of schoolwork. I've also realized in myself an overwhelming desire to do summery things.... putting my feet in the sand, barbeques, swimming, feeling the sun on my face, enjoying great conversations while i play and take in all the kentucky-ness around me.

It's also been a great few weeks to do some self-reflection.... I have realized how much I crave validation of definition from other people... and so now i am doing the hard work of trying to not care what others think of me. I am also trying to find the balance between not caring about the opinions of others, but also caring for those around me.

I also still really want a porch. and i want to go to the beach. soon.

the end.

The Good Kind of Tired

2007-05-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of tired. But it's a good thing. I'm tired because I've spent the weekend helping my friend Jackie get married off to Peter. For many reasons, I don't know that I can think of a better way to use my time or a reason to complain about being tired. It was worth it. Basically... because I really love these friends of mine, and am so grateful that I get to be a part of their lives.

Many of you who read this know Peter and Jackie, and know how great they are, so hopefully this won't be a cheesy post. But in many ways, they've just really been a means of grace in my life, and I can say with certainty that God put these two crazy kids in my life, and it's been incredible to see how my friendship with Jackie in particular has grown. She does a great job of loving on me, accepting me, and reminding me of the things that I often like to forget. In a lot of ways, she has become like a sister to me, and I find myself saying thanks to God for her most days. She also lets me share in her life, and I love it! And Peter's just good fun, as well as an exceptional teacher. I've never known Peter and Jackie apart-I met them when they had already been dating about a year or so. And what can I say? They belong together.

Why am I rambling about them? I am rambling because I felt like I got to be a part of something truly special and meaningful this weekend. I cried as Jackie walked down the aisle, and not because I normally cry at weddings (which I don't). I cried because I have been given the enormous privilege of walking with her through life over the past year and a half, through a lot of hard times and some good ones. And to get to finally see her on that walk down the aisle... something we've talked about a LOT... it was so beautiful to me. I just kept thinking, "wow. these are two amazing people. and i get to share life with them. and i get to share this moment with them."

I am tired and drained and exhausted, but I wouldn't have traded this weekend for anything. It was a beautiful thing to get to serve jackie and peter in small ways and to just be able to love them in a fraction of the way that they have loved me.

I guess that's part of what community is. getting to share in the happy and sad moments, and finding ways to serve each other. it's about really, truly understanding that we are brothers and sisters, and finding ways to love on each other. having this weekend has reminded me of how many ways in which God loves me through His redemption, His sacrifice, His provision and His community.

So here's to you Peter and Jackie... you guys rock.

Summer is on its way

2007-05-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

one paper, one test, and one short presentation to go before the end of the semester. whew! yay! and i am not taking classes this summer, so i am very much looking forward to a class-free few months! i am also looking very much forward to reading some non-seminary books. i already have a couple of ideas of things to read, but am up for other ideas...i'd love to hear your best fun-summer-reading ideas.

Confusion and Chaos

2007-05-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week or two, filled with whirling, crazy thoughts, and there is lots to figure out. When i have times like these, i often remember these words:

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, through I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
-Thomas Merton, from Thoughts in Solitude

sometimes i don't have words of my own to describe my state of mind, where i am, or where i would like to be. i'm so thankful that God works in all of us so that we can give each other words.

Resurrection Power

2007-04-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

Warning: this may seem like a morbid post, but that is not my intention.

I have been thinking a lot about death today. This morning, a good friend from Atlanta sent me a text message to let me know her father had just passed away. I was so sad for Jamie, and all i could do was cry for a few minutes as I thought about Jamie's dad passing from this world to the next. I thought about Jamie trying to take care of her now widowed mom, and thinking of all her memories of her father. I thought about wanting to give Jamie a big hug right now, knowing that there is nothing I can do to take away the pain, but just wanting to be present.

Later today, I found out that a player from my beloved St. Louis Cardinals was killed in a car accident last night. This guy was my age and a relief pitcher for the Cards. It made me think... about a lot. I've thought a lot today about the rest of his teammates and the sadness they must feel, and the fact that tomorrow (or maybe the day after) they have to get back to business and play a game. I've thought about his family and the unbearable grief they must be feeling at losing a son so young. and it makes me sad.

These two scenarios are, of course, followed by the tragedy at Virginia Tech which has no doubt saddened many of us. Death is always sad, but untimely deaths do something to us. They shake us up... make us think about life.... get us on edge. It's not normal... death is not supposed to happen like this.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this, but in the midst of thinking about these things, I've been thinking about certain parts of me that need to "die," and as a result I've been thinking about what it means to "die to oneself." I've been remorseful tonight over some areas of my life I'm not incredibly proud of. But I am reminded that sometimes, some parts of a being must die before true life can take over, and even though I am tempted to berate myself for these things, all i can do is give God this yuckiness and trust that Jesus has victory over this sin, and there is no reason for me to live in it any longer!

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life."
-John 5:24

As i think about death... even these extremely sad, untimely deaths, I try to wrap my mind around this... because of the resurrection, we have passed over from death to life. Christ has had victory over sadness, sin, death....it boggles my mind when i think about it.... fills me to the point of overwhelming gratitude!

A Balancing Act

2007-04-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

i am skipping out on class today because I am not feeling so hot. I am kind of sad that i am feeling like this on a Thursday, because I really do enjoy this class. sad. =(

but perhaps it's a good thing... maybe it will give me some time to rest, think, process, chill, be. The past week has been filled with the newness of possibilities, and my mind is in overdrive because of it. I have before me a potentially exciting opportunity, and it is so tempting to think of all that could go wrong. It is tempting to think that I will fail and disappoint all those around me. It is tempting to think that I have to plan every moment of this possiblity now.

this, of course, leaves no room for the magnitude and the extravagance of God's plans. I was expressing my fears and thoughts about all this to someone the other day, and he just said, "just go for it. just show up." what a freeing thought. the reality is... this thing is out of my hands at the moment. i have done what i can do for now, and just need to trust. trust. trust.

we've talked in my sunday school class a few times about the need to "participate" with God. So where is the balance? where's the balance between trusting God for all that He will and is able to do and our part in walking with Christ? What is my role? Balance is hard for me, as I think it is for most people. I tend to go to an extreme... I either blindly do nothing, and assume it will all work out (while doing nothing) or i worry, worry, worry. where is this balance?

maybe it's a simple matter of obedience.... waiting on God, and in the meantime treating people with love and respect... treating them as Christ would treat them---responding to injustices---praying---trying to draw close to my Creator---trusting the greatness of the plans that He's got, and knowing that these plans are not just for me. Any plan that God has for me, is not just for me. It's for the Kingdom. so until then... i am trusting, and hopefully learning how to treat others with at least a little respect and dignity.

Technology.... just not my thing...

2007-04-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

I will write a real post later. However, this post is to share my excitement over the fact that I have had this blog for at least a year now and I have just now figured out how to add a picture and links to other blogs. Part of me feels a little on the stupid side, and the other part feels like i just a finished a really hard paper. Hope you all enjoy the new layout.... the polka dots were starting to get to me.

Hey you-thanks!

2007-03-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

i've been wanting to write something on the importance of gratitude and thankfulness for a few days now. no, i am not going to list what i am thankful for. no, i am not going to merely suggest that it's a good idea to be thankful.

my friend peter teaches the sunday school class i go to each week. and each week we start prayer with just listing our "thanks." there's something profound about saying thanks to God and to others in a communal setting that draws us close to the Father... there is something there that reminds us that we are His, that we are taken care of when we are reminded of all that He has done for us.

over the past year, i have mulled over the phrase "giving control to God." and i realize that i have absolutely no idea how to do this, and most days, even what this means. we like to say it a lot. but really, what does this mean? what does it mean to give control to One i cannot see, while i still need to live my life, make decisions, pay bills, and be proactive in loving people? what does it mean to be humble before the Creator of the universe and allow Him to take control of my life? what does it mean to truly live in a Christ-centered community with my brothers and sisters? i want to suggest that true, genuine gratitude is at the heart of it.

i have been reminded this week of a few things about gratitude. first, true thankfulness is at the heart of humility. if i am genuinely thanking you for doing something for me, i am admitting that i have not done it myself, or was not able to do it myself. i am confessing that i have received something outside of my control. in a way, i am reliquishing my dependency upon myself. thanksgiving leads to the willingness to be humble. living in gratitude reminds me of what i have been given, and that i did not do it for myself. and when i'm not thankful, when i'm arrogant and living in a posture of demanding to be taken care of, i am much more likely to live into pride and a host of other sins.

second, i'd like to suggest that to truly be thankful is also related to doing and being in the center of God's will. There's a verse (1 Thess. 5:18) that says, "Give thanks continually, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." i'm realizing more and more that i wonder and stress out over which decision is right and "God's will." maybe it's not necessarily a matter of which job to take or which road to go down-but it's about me being in a posture of genuine gratitude. It's a matter of me acknowledging that all good things come from above (and not my own doing!) and living a life that reflects my dependence on my Creator and living in awe and thankfulness for what He alone can do.

back to that first thought about the trouble of understanding how to give God control.... if i understand that all things come from Him, and I am able to live in thankfulness for all that He has blessed me with, then I am able to be much more free to relinquish control. I am able to remember in my mind and heart that His plan is intrinsically good and i can trust that. I am able to give myself over to Him. as simplistic as this sounds, it starts with giving thanks! Giving thanks is about giving up myself.

i believe understanding this will change how i see other people and everything that has been created by God, and how i understand this life. it seems so simple... yet this is our calling: to remember that God is the source, and that He is good.

Thought-flow

2007-03-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Musings of the week:

-i have discovered that i despise terms like 'evangelizing,' 'witnessing,' 'accepting Christ,' etc. Perhaps that makes me a bad Christian, and I am ok with that label. Instead of having a strategy to evangelize and change people, i think i would rather just invite people to follow Jesus... I would rather invite them to the feast prepared for us by our Heavenly Father. I'm already selfish enough... i really don't have a need to keep God for myself (as i accept Him for myself... i really think He wants to be shared with all the people He created).

-i am finding that in the recent days of gorgeous Kentucky weather, I would do just about anything to live in a place with a great porch. oh, how i long for this.

-There is great, deep and profound power in invitation. When we invite others to join us... for anything, we are reminding them that we delight in their presence and that we long to be with them. We are able to affirm them by saying, "i see good in you. so much so that i want to be with you." Do I delight in the presence of others in the same way that God delights in me? Do I understand how God delights in me and in my presence?

-i realize that it's quite easy to mourn over the things that i don't have, and forget all that i do have. but i do have so much.... i am so thankful today for the beautiful women in my lifegroup, for beautiful weather, for God's provision, for silly middle school girls, for the beauty of simplicity, for laughter, for babies, for friends who care, for the power of those who welcome me in, for cleansing tears, for redemption, for self-reflection and self-awareness, for hope.

-finally, i read this passage today and it was particularly meaningful to me:

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain.
I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me.
-Psalm 3:3-5

Journaling about Journaling

2007-03-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

I should be doing homework right now. What homework, you ask? well, in all reality the two people who read this probably aren't asking that, but i shall tell you anyway. All i have to do is write 2 journal entries for my discipleship development in the family class. This seems like an assignment that I'd love... I normally love to do self-reflective writing, the kind that helps me probe into my soul and allows me to express myself. however, I am definitely not into it, and i'm not sure why. In fact, doing school this semester has been difficult. In fact, it's been a struggle to stay focused the past month and a half. anytime i need to listen to someone who is speaking in a public setting I have found my mind wandering... daydreaming.... i feel as though i'm somewhere else. i don't know where i am, exactly, or where i wish i could be. and it's frustrating, because i want to be focused. i want to be in the moment. so this has been my prayer of late... that i would be where i am, and be engaged in what God has for me.

and so, since i am having trouble journaling about what someone else wants me to journal about, i'll start here. i have so much going on inside my head that i just don't know how to express. i know that is a common problem of mine, but it really does get old. i find myself longing for belonging, longing for the touch and depth of my Heavenly Father... longing to understand the beauty of how God has created me. longing to understand and to really, really know the mystery of having a relationship with Jesus. it so often does not make sense to me and doesn't click, especially being in the midst of much Christian-ese.

I was babysitting today for a sweet little 3 year old. We were playing outside and she decided that she wanted to pretend to be Jesus. I couldn't call her by her real name--I had to call her Jesus. There were a lot of thoughts that went through my head as we played this game. First, I kind of liked that she is growing up with a deep awareness of talking about Jesus and having the reminders that He is close, present, accessible. Second, I thought about what it might mean for someone to see me and to think... "hey, you remind me a lot of Jesus... so much so that you look like Him, talk like Him, think like Him." (i am nowhere near that point....) Perhaps that is the point of the deepening of the Christian life... to continually be on a quest to figure out what it means to both imitate Christ and to follow in His footsteps. There were other thoughts too... really, i thought it was funny that she wouldn't let me call her by her real name... only Jesus. it was cute.

i am also doing a lot of thinking about what it means to truly match up what i think with what i say, feel, believe and do. I am realizing more and more how many discrepancies there are in my life. i'd like to be genuine... to offer warmth, acceptance and hospitality to all... and i'm working on it.... but i also realize how many selfish tendencies i've got. i've been deeply reminded recently that the point of my life is not for myself. any good thing that is bestowed upon me is not really for me... it's for the Kingdom. it's for something much bigger than myself. i have had a friend recently remind me, a couple of times, that i just need to be honest. even if i am mad at him or disagree with him-i just need to say what i think. in theory, this is a great idea. but for some reason i struggle with this so much, and have a hard time just saying what i think without apology.

i'm also in a season where i realize that i have some very strong, deep desires that I am not sure are from God. As i am praying through these things, i struggle with the balance between knowing that God honors and uses the longings of my heart, but being able to desire only the things that are of the Father. i really have no idea how to do this, but trusting in the provision of God.

if you have made it all the way through this post, bravo! blessings to all who tread here...

a new week, a new post

2007-03-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

it's been one of those weeks where a lot has happened, and not a lot has happened at the same time. here's a review of the life of maggie...

-a tornado hit the town where i spent most of my childhood summers and where i still have family. it's been scary and sad to think about, especially reading reports on this. if you think about it, keep enterprise, AL in your prayers. this tornado appears to have done significant damage. i'm sad for my aunt who still lives there, as she takes in all this damage and destruction.

-the past few days have been hard. i've taken things way too hard, way too personally. i've made mountains out of molehills, and i'm realizing my selfish tendencies within this. i'm reminded that a little perspective goes a long way, while at the same time needing to give myself permission to be upset if that's how i feel. i've gone through the gamut of emotions this week... joy, pain, rejection, isolation, contentment, discontentment, holding on, releasing, deep frustration, feeling ugly, feeling beautiful. i struggle so much with not allowing others to define how i feel... slowly, i'm learning how to balance this with being comfortable in my own skin.

-i allowed frustration to get the best of me this weekend. luckily, i was able to confront my frustration, and the object of this frustration reminded me that i have the right to speak my mind, and i have the right to feel mad. it's nice to feel validated sometimes.

-learning how to be honest without being mean and while maintaining sensitivity and respect is definitely not something i have mastered. i'd like to be there... and ever so slowly, i think i'm getting there.

-in the midst of so many frustrations over the past few days, God has reminded me of His presence, His plan, His purpose, His love. and while being frustrated, i've also felt the warmth of connection with good friends. it's been a week of sometimes wondering why i try in friendships... feeling disillusioned, but then being reminded that i need to chill out. i've been reminded that people do care for me... that even in my messiness, i do have people who see beauty in me, and who don't want to see me hurting.

-i'm realizing that the ways in which i desire to be loved by others are often not how they will always choose to show love. instead of coming to the table with my demands, i need to seek to be surprised by joy.

Finding my voice

2007-02-25T12:16:00.000-08:00

Today my friend judy came up to me after church and said, "You have such an amazing, strong voice." I thought at first she was referring to my singing, and since she didn't sit anywhere near me during worship, i thought.. "whoa. i must have been singing way too loud... and kind of bad." but she went on to say that when i have things to say, they are good things. and not just good... but good. Things full of truth and insight... things that others need to hear. and she went on... she said, "maggie, you stay quiet most of the time... but when you do say something, it's something that others need to hear. you need to use your voice. you have thoughts worth hearing."

all i can say is... wow. this is something that has always been a struggle for me... i know that i have strong opinions, but i tend to live in this place that tells me that others will think what i have to say is juvenile, or stupid, or worthless, or won't make sense. or that my thoughts won't make a difference. I have a really hard time believing that what i have to say will make a difference... or that i have a voice worthy to be heard.

but i was reminded today that i do have a voice, thoughts put in my head by my Heavenly Father to do good things. I am often tempted to downplay what I think, wanting to reject what goes through my head. But my friend Judy has so lovingly reminded me that it's just not true. and when i reject my own voice, perhaps i am rejecting receiving from God, and from giving to others what God has given to me to share.

it strikes me that it's all part of a process of trusting the Creator with how He has created us. Self-deprecation can be so deceiving, and what may feel like humility is exactly the opposite.... looking to our own failings more than we look to our Father. Knowing that I have something worthwhile to say... something that others might listen to... wow. this floors me... all a part of the process of understanding God's purposes for me, i suppose....

a narcissistic faith?

2007-02-13T08:08:00.000-08:00

i know that i'm in seminary/grad school, but i try not to use 5 dollar words a lot. however, narcissism is one that i like a lot. it sounds cooler than just saying selfish. and i've been thinking about this a lot... how i tend to view my life and my story as more important than the lives of others. i've been praying recently for God to help me get outside of myself, to truly place myself in the shoes of those around me... to not think just from my own perspective, but from the eyes of folks around me.

last week in one of my classes, Dr. Kiesling posed this question to us: Has evangelicalism contributed to the narcissism of our age? Does the church's mission point to the cross, or to individualism?

in mulling over this question, i started thinking about the language we use in the church. Receive Christ for yourself. Accept Him in your heart. Make Him your personal Lord and Savior. These statements conjure up images of having a little Jesus action figure that i can put in my pocket and pull out when I need Him. Isn't God bigger than that?

Dr. Kiesling suggested that the language we should perhaps be using when one decides to be a Christian is to "follow Jesus." This, to me, speaks of the difference between trying to fit God into my life versus deciding to make my life about God.

How do I get rid of all this "I" language while still caring for and acknowledging the creation that is Maggie? How do I make the Kingdom of God my end goal? What does it really mean to follow Jesus... to follow this One I cannot see, cannot touch... but that I trust in? What does it mean to pour out my heart... to empty all that is important to me onto the feet of Jesus?

I've realized that recently it's been difficult to sit through worship services, where I feel like I hear the same thing i've been hearing for many consecutive weeks. How does this thing, this movement, this life in the Kingdom stay fresh and alive? And in my desire for spiritual moments, I realize that I've got some spiritual selfishness i need to deal with. Will this cycle never end?

Any thoughts?

peace and blessings to all who enter here,
maggie

Truth, Community and Encouragment

2007-01-29T19:42:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I have let some circumstances that are outside of my control get me down and define how i feel and how i see myself. This is something i've done my whole life, and something i find myself fighting against on a regular basis. i'm working on it...it can just be pretty tiring and overwhelming sometimes. trying to remind myself of the truth can be an uphill battle, as i fight the war of my over-analytic mind. The past 24 hours have been rough, and i have been fighting the battle of discouragement and doubt. In the midst of this, I've been reminded of the strength and beauty of community and friendships. In the middle of beating up on myself and not believing in the grace that God rains down on me, a friend reminded me today of some important things. They were things that I didn't even know that I needed to be reminded of, but yet there God met me. And i'm not sure if this friend knows the weight of what he did for me, but I guess that's part of what community is. When we are ourselves, when we are faithful to God and to our brothers and sisters, we speak life and truth into each other.

my friend peter explains this as "everyone showing up with an armful of presents." we give and receive the life-giving message of Christ's hope to each other. most of the time, we don't realize how much we mean to each other, but in the end, we bring the message of salvation to each other. what a simple yet beautiful thing.

some days, i'm realizing, it's just too much to try to convince yourself of the truth when the craziness of life hits. there's something about hearing truth from a brother, and knowing that he really cares and wants you to really believe it.

God is good.

Random Monday

2007-01-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

I feel as though i should post, just because. i'm not sure that anyone actually reads this, but just in case you do, here are my thoughts!

-I have been working a lot... babysitting and phonathon. and when i'm not working, i'm preparing for church stuff. that's been my life. i wish that i had something else really exciting to report, but i don't. i think that i struggle when life is not "exciting," so i'm trying to learn how to live in joyful contentment when life is even-keeled. but seriously, jumping on a trampoline or having a party or hearing from someone i've never heard from sounds fun right now. sound high-maintenance? i can be like that.

-i have been thinking a lot about my motivations and realize that most days, my motives are really not that great. in fact, they are really pretty selfish. i find that i do a lot of things for the attention and acclaim of others... especially "spiritual" things. this thought makes me sick. it leads me to think about what it REALLY means to be a disciple. is it singing pretty praise songs and praying and reading my Bible and going to church? or is it more? is it really about being able to serve others before myself? is it more about loving people who don't receive love? how do these two sets of things meet?

-i am longing for connection, yet needing alone time. i am learning how to be honest with other people (but that's a pretty slow process).

-i have struggled through some emotional hurts this week from unmet expectations. trying to hope-not expect.

-i have been really stressed about money.

-my roommate's not coming back this spring. i think it will be weird, but ok. i see God's hand in this.

-i have been trying to uncover all the things that God is wanting to refine. Sometimes i feel like i'm doing ok, only to realize that there's so much that God is wanting to tear away. Some days it feels like a lot to comprehend.

-i have been very thankful for emerging friendships this week... people who accept for who i am, quirks and all.

-i have been trying to be very, very honest about who i am, how i relate to God, where He is taking me, etc.

-i'm not sure how i feel about the upcoming semester. some days i dread it... i feel nervous about all that is coming up. trying to stand in faith that it will be ok. also excited about new friends and relationships.

-i am realizing now that this post sounds sort of negative. i don't know why i feel negative right now... things really are ok. i think i am very tired, and feeling unsettled. maybe i just need a hug, some hot chocolate and some good sleep. and if you've made it thus far in my ramblings, you are awesome!

so many thoughts, so few words

2007-01-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, with little way to articulate them, and i have been so up and down. i feel like i'm going through some sort of transition. do you ever feel like your soul is in transition? is that possible? if so, that is definitely how i feel right now. i don't think it's bad...in fact, it's probably a good thing....it's just....something. weird? hard? unidentifiable? and i love to be able to articulate myself-to put labels and words on my feelings. it always makes me feel at peace. and i can't right now-and that's the hard part.

i have found myself in many spots recently where i have needed to learn to be alone... and i realize that i stink at this. i crave people-i crave attention-i crave hugs and affirmation and encouragement and community and truth and authenticity...and when i don't have these things... i struggle. i don't think it's bad to crave these things, but when they start to define who you are... that's a definite danger zone.

as a result of having spent so many years of defining myself by what others have said, i now find myself in a spot of needing to search and seek out what my Heavenly Father says about me. A few weeks ago I was floored by a passage in Hosea:

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.

A couple of things really affect me in this passage. First, in verse 14 says that He will allure His daughter into the desert...into a wilderness spot, of sorts. i feel like i've been in a wilderness spot for a while, and i haven't understood it. i've scrambled and i've wrestled and i've tried to get away from the wilderness. it feels dry-hopeless-lifeless. but this passage reminds me of the purpose of the wilderness....it is out of God's love and desire for His children that He leads us into the wilderness... because sometimes in the wilderness, when we are most naked and vulnerable and needy that we are able to hear the life-giving words of the Father. It is out of His love that He leads us to the desert.

The second thing that pierced me about this passage is the end. "...you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" How often have I gone to God simply out of necessity? How many times have I viewed Him almost as a slot machine (put enough prayers in, and then something good may come out) or even more often as an angry, distant father for whom I could never be good enough? But i've been reminded that God longs to be more than a master who gives me the bare minimum... He longs for intimacy with me, and with His church as a whole. He longs for our hearts... our whole beings. He is not distant... He is not disinterested. He wants to be as close to me as i would one day be to my husband. He longs to be as close, if not closer, than two humans can possibly get.

i tend to live and learn experientially, and so feeling close to a God whom I cannot physically touch is a challenge sometimes. And as i find that I long for others, God is showing me how to be satisfied with Him. to be joyfully and simply content. some moments i'm good at this... and others... well... i'm learning. there are many times that i have to be reminded by others of who I am to God. but that's community, i suppose... and a subject for a future post....

Demands

2006-12-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

I once had a mentor (my Mission Year city director, Josh) who would constantly remind us to have "open-handed hopes" versus "close-fisted expectations." I have been reminded of this a lot in the past several days. I find that I often have expectations of how things should be-how people should respond-how people should relate-how I should respond-etc, etc, etc. It never, ever works out like it does in my head.... In fact, I find that I live inside my head a lot. Almost fantasy world of sorts--perhaps a way to escape from reality? maybe. and then i come face to face with unmet expectations, and that can be crushing.

Over Christmas break I have been blessed with people who care about me, financial provision, a family who cares about me, friends who have called, circumstances working out, and yet I have still managed to find room to complain. It's because of expectations. And when i've got these close-fisted expectations, there's not a whole lot of room for the beauty of hope to unfold. I feel like a small child whose parent is slowly releasing that furled up fist. i'm trying to learn how release, to dance with joy what life offers me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own expectations of how life should be that i experience the frustration that quickly leads to resentment. I resent others, resent relationships, resent myself. And i know that this is not the life God desires for me to live-because there is no freedom in this. God is showing me how to live in freedom, with open-handed hopes, learning to be surprised by Him... instead of demanding that I am taken care of in a certain way, in a certain time.

Praying to be surprised by joy,
maggie

Wedding Dresses, Checks, and God's goodness

2006-12-24T11:53:00.000-08:00

i'm in st. louis now for the holidays, and i've only been here for a couple of days so far, although it's felt longer than that. not because it's been bad, but just because it's been packed with lots of great things!

yesterday was a looong day. i went wedding dress shopping with my cousin. it was fun... but sort of an intense few hours. i was really, really glad i got to go... and it was just a sweet thing to be there the moment she found the dress she'll be wearing at the moment she commits to her husband (who i am a big fan of!). so that was pretty cool, but exhausting. then i came home, chilled with the parentals, then spent some time with one of my favorite people in the world... my best friend sarah. of course, by this time i was completely tired and out of it and about to drop. sorry, sarah. but it was great to see her.

then i went to church today, which was atypical, for a few reasons. the first reason is that next sunday will be the last sunday my home church, the church i attended since i was 5 years old, will have open doors. this church has been slowly dwindling and dying for a long time, and they've decided to call it quits. kind of bittersweet. it's not a church where i am incredibly spiritually fed... but there are people there who love me very deeply and who have known me since i was a young brat. the other reason that today was strange was that the church gave me a quite sizeable donation for helping me to pay off school loans. it was unexpected, sweet, and nothing short of God reminding me of His love and provision for me.

so that's what i've done so far over my break, but i feel God doing something great in me right now, something that is hard to articulate. I've been attempting to really be committed to prayer, and asking God to put in me a spirit of awe of His presence. I also feel like God is reminding me that He is desiring a greater level intimacy with me-that He longs to be more than just a provider, or a back-up plan. He longs to dance with me and to be the closest thing to me. I was reading the book of Hosea last week, and was hit hard with this message of intimacy with God, and have been pondering a lot about what this means. it's been good.

it's been one of those weeks where God is reminding me gently and clearly that He is faithful, that He is real, that He is quite active.

blessings to all who may come upon this for an incredible Christmas day! may you know the heighth and depth and breadth of Christ's love for you today!

movin' on up

2006-12-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

in a moment of boredom many months ago, i originally created this blog to post a quote of the day. yes, i realize that's sort of a waste of time when i already had another blog. however, i have come to realize that i actually like blogger better than xanga, so this shall be my new posting site! in honor of this new site, here are fun facts about me:

1. one of the things i love most in the world is wearing a great pair of fuzzy and fun socks.
2. i have never had chicken pox.
3. i am originally from st. louis, MO, but was born in nashville, TN. i have also lived in california, jackson, Tn, Georgia and Kentucky.
4. my favorite place as a kid was southern alabama. i use to visit my relatives there and would go to this little town called enterprise. i loved it. mostly because i got to go to camp and go swimming and do fun kid stuff all summer.
5. i do not know how to dive.
6. i hate banannas.
7. i have no food allergies.
8. i LOVE hot chocolate!
9. since high school, i have been a day care worker, receptionist, christmas present wrapper, preschool teacher, youth intern, youth director, day camp director, babysitter/nanny, retail worker, summer intern coordinator, and after-school teacher.
10. i graduated from high school in st. louis, MO in 1997 and from college in TN in 2001.
11. I am currently in seminary and will get my master of arts in Christian ministries with an emphasis in congregational care. i feel as though that is an absurdly long title for a relatively simple degree.
12. i la-la-la-LOVE mashed potatoes.
13. i have one older brother. his name is randall and he's an actor. he lives in new york city and i love visiting him there!
14. i love children's books.
15. once, as a young child, when asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, i replied, "a microphone." i don't remember this incident, but was reminded of this comment quite frequently. i don't really know what this comment says about me.
16. i love middle school girls. especially the ones who get left out.
17. i love watching old sitcoms. one of my favorites is the cosby show, and i love watching old re-runs of it.
18. I think that the best movie i saw this year was Little Miss Sunshine-hilarious!
19. I waste time watching tv. namely-the office, grey's anatomy, and gilmore girls. this is probably not a great vice, but it happens.
20. i like to feel smart. this doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i get excited.

Let's be honest... we're all thinkin' it....

2006-07-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

This was part of a prayer I heard the other day.

"Jesus, please help my grandmother to get some honeybuns today." --Timothy, 4 years old

Not a Quote... but still fun!

2006-05-24T11:56:00.001-07:00

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME : (first pet and current street name) ---Isaiah North Lexington

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME : (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy) ---Evelyn Almond Joy

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME : (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name) ---M. Mid

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME : (favorite animal, favorite color) --- Dog purple

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME : (middle name, city where you were born) --- Dianna Nashville

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME : (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) --- Midkkimac

7. JEDI NAME : (middle name spelled backwards, your grandpa's name on your father's side spelled backwards) --- annaid trebor

8. SUPERHERO NAME : ("The," your favorite color, the automobile you drive or your parents drive) --- The purple escort

On Food in Wilmore...

2006-05-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

"I am still completely satisfied with the wontons in Wilmore." -Jan Parker

The Journey

2006-04-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" -C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

What is a lie?

2006-04-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

"There are three kinds of lies. Lies, damn lies, and statistics." -Benjamin Disraeli

In honor of Lent...

2006-04-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

"I've just gone through lent and now you're giving me another." --from the movie Brother Sun, Sister Moon

Who is God to us?

2006-04-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

"God wants to Father us to maturity." --donald miller

What does that even mean?

2006-03-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

"I felt like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I just didn't know where to start first." --Dr. Steve Seamands

2006-02-27T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today's Quote:

"I appreciated these horoscopes because they're funny and they came with a pick-up line." --Jan Parker

Who Doesn't Love a Good Quote?!

2006-02-26T17:15:00.000-08:00

I love good quotes. Especially ones that make me giggle. So for all you phrase-a-holics out there, this one's for you. And I'm a little embarrassed that I now have two blogs. Procrastination is a great thing.

Here is today's quote:

"Waiting for other people to change is like planning your future around winning the lottery." --Michael P. Nichols